I know I'm a few hours early as Captain Codpiece didn't actually proclaim victory in Iraq until 2 May 2003 but whenever I see a picture of him looking so hot and virile in that flight suit I feel something stirring somewhere that I would rather not mention out loud (I think it's a sin)!

In any case, since our job was over nearly five years ago I can only assume that the 3919 Americans who have died in Iraq since then have all died in vain. So Captain Codpiece, your mission, and you have no choice but to accept it, is to explain that to the families of those 3919 brave Americans; none of whom were Bushes or Walkers.

As I noted the other day, with the return of Silvio and the Xenophobes to the helm of the state in Italy is drifting further and further to the far, far right. Now we have a (former) neo-Fascist as the new mayor of Rome and he was greeted with chants of Duce! Duce!. Time to reorganise my holiday plans I think.

Fresh faced Tory leader and man of the people (Eton College/Brasenose College Oxford) David Cameron is attempting to woo Northern voters by telling them he is no "namby-pamby" from Notting Hill. I can only the assume that the standard response on Merseyside yesterday was "fuck off back to London you fucking cunt you".

Even when buying your crank. After all, buying an illegal drug from an illegal immigrant is more illegal than buying an illegal drug from a God-fearing American who cooked it up in his own trailer.

"I did not sex with that child."

Shorter American public: "We don't believe you!"

Of course someday very soon we will may to answer the question: "Should child molesters get in the Hall of Fame?"

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: Hiya. The economy sucks but I'm rich and have an ironclad pension so I'm OK thank God. Drill in ANWR! Blame Congress! I want to reach out to Congress but only if they do exactly what I say. Jennifer?

Q: Are Americans sufficiently stimulated? Things still suck out there. Will you cut the gas tax?

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: The stimulating stuff is just starting to stimulate so they probably are fully stimulated yet, but they will be as long as we drill in ANWR.

Q: Is that a yes on gas tax?

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: No.

Q: Where you wrong when you said the economy wasn't in a recession? The cost of food and stuff sure is high. Even Rush Limbaugh is losing weight! Why won't the Saudis let the price of gas be 19 cents a gallon again?

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: These are tough times. Especially if you're not rich. I don't know any people like that but I hear they're having a hard time buying new helicopters. But everything's going to be OK because the not rich people will soon have batteries in the cars and be able to go 40 miles! Nuclear power - believe it - I do!

As to the Saudis I asked my buddy St. Tony Blair about this but he says that BAE told him we wouldn't be able to afford the bribes.

Q; Are biofuels causing the price of food to go up? The World Bank says they are. What can America do to make food cheaper around the world?

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: It's the weather not biofuel and the price of gas is going to drive more grain to energy and make the situation worse. It's in America's interests that we grow our own energy and if that means other people go hungry... Does that answer your question?

Q: Gas tax. Why don't you want Americans to be able to afford vacations this summer like John McCain or do you want they to be poor and unhappy like Barack Osama?

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: You're trying to get me to endorse McCain aren't you? I told you guys I'm only going to do that subliminally. So cut it out. In the mean time we are anal-ysing all sorts of stuff. That's me I'm The Anal-yser! You're starting to make me stroppy.

Q: What about peak oil? What about renewables?

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: We like cellulosic ethanol which is a fancy word I just learned. Well, I learned how to say it, not what it means. We're also in a period of transition. This means incredible amounts of money are transition from ordinary Americans to the oil companies; or as I like to call them, my friends.

In the meantime ANWR, ANWR, ANWR. Drill in ANWR and gasoline will be free!

Q: I'd like to give you an opportunity to make a little joke now!

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: OK Rog! I like a little joke. Mr. Sunshine.

Q: Other people think you are mad for continuing to fill the strategic petroleum reserve. What do you say to that?

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: We're only doing that because of global market, al Qaeda, destroy us.

Q: I want to talk about Afghanistan. Their President was almost killed. Are we winning?

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: Of course we're winning. That's why the evil doers are fighting so hard and killing so many!

But it's hard in Afghanistan. If you know the history of the country, and I don't but I'm some of you do, it's a hard country. And they've got girls there. And an Army.

Q: But are we winning?

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: Progress! Progress! Good!

Q: But are we winning?

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: Stop it now! I'm angry with you. Just stop it. Do think I'm here to answer questions?

Q: [inaudible}

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: Hey! They've cut off your mike! I'm just like Bill O'Reilly. This is awesome.

Q: You said were were winning.

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: There you go asking questions again. I mad at you. I'm going to have to start yelling soon.

Now I gave you an exclusive and we're winning in Afghanistan and everywhere. Cause that's what we do. We're winners!

Q: [inaudible]

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: Now they've turned off all the mikes. That'll teach you lot!

Q: When we asked you about Israel bombing Syria you said you had to go off and clear brush. Now all of a sudden you've released classified photos and told us it was a nuclear installation being built by commies. Why did you wait nearly a year to tell the American people?

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: We briefed some people and we were afraid that disclosure would lead to war in the middle east and I am Mr. Peace. Also there are secret coded messages in our statements that you, with your little tiny brains will not understand, did you hear that Ahmadinejad?

Q: Here's a softball. Ready? Everything's the fault of the Democrats isn't it? The economy? FISA? Colombia? Why don't they recognise how right you are in all things?

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: You are so right! It's hard to believe how they want to endanger and impoverish the American people isn't it? Susan?

Q: [flicking her hair coquettishly off of her forehead] When do I get an "exclusive at the ranch"?

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: Just you wait baby.

Q: Even though drilling in ANWR will make gasoline free isn't that a long way off? What are you going to do to make gasoline free now? And will the GDP numbers show we're in a recession?

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: Well things are tough on the people who aren't rich. But no body tells me anything so I don't know.

And ANWR is mid term so gasoline will be free soon! And we've done other stuff. We've increased CAFTA! [in thought bubble: "can you believe I'm taking credit for that?") I wish I had a magic wand.

Q: B-

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: Don't interrupt me. Now I'm more confused than usual. But I want to make people feel good and I want to drill in ANWR. Did I mention permanent tax cuts?

Q: Another softball. Ready? Is Jimmy Carter a traitor and is he just trying to undermine you so you don't win the Nobel Peace prize too?

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: Hamas are evildoers. And so are Syria. And Iran. And some other countries I can't pronounce. The problem is Hamas. [in thought bubble: "don't you worry. Jimmy'll be in Gitmo soon!"]

Q: But isn't Carter a traitor? Why didn't you stop him?

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: I don't talk to him. It's all Hamas's fault. You go to meetings with these people, which I don't by the way because they are evildoers, and they lie. Who do they think they are? I mean I supported the elections and then the damn Palestinians had to go an elect the evildoers. Why are they so ungrateful after all I have done to them? And there's going to be an agreement soon because I need a legacy.

Q: Congress is not going to pass exactly the 108 billion dollar spare change for Iraq act. What will you do?

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: 108! 108! 108! and not a penny more (or less). If they do something else it's all their fault, like everything else.

Q: Another softball. Ready? I'd like to give you an opportunity to tell the next President what they will need to do in order to continue to fuck up the country and the planet to the same order of magnitude as you. Go ahead.

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: You're right. They mustn't forget the Eternal Global War on Terra. America is under attack. Be afraid. And don't protect American jobs because American corporations need the money more than American citizens need their jobs! And remember God is on America#'s side; not anyone else's.

Q: Thank you.

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: You're looking hot.

Q: Thank you. You're trying to get me off, aren't you you sexy devil?

Q: Americans think the country is in a recession. Why are they wrong? Also do you know how to spell Zimbabwe?

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: It's just a word. So I want Americans to feel good and not worry and get out there and get stimulating. Buy a new TV. Don't worry about the mortgage payments. And no - I don't know how to spell Zimbabwe. I think it has an "i" in it and maybe an "s".

Have a nice day.

If you think I've taken liberties with the editing, and I have, and you wish to actually find out what he said the official White House probably-not-unedited transcript may be found here.

The Islamic Republic of Iran has stopped accepting US dollars, God's currency of choice, for it's oil.

Albert Hofmann - 1906 - 2008 - accidental discoverer of LSD- without whom the sixties would not have been the same.

Brace yourselves. A woman in Ohio has found Jesus in her uterus or at least in an ultrasound of her uterus. As usual I don't see it myself but obviously I haven't been praying hard enough. The nicest touch is that the child in question; there definitely is a child in there; is a girl!

Is the best argument against "Intelligent" Design this one from Dr. Francisco Ayala, who is in addition to being a molecular biologist is also a former Catholic priest? His premise is that if life is designed whoever did it did a shit job! He suggests that on the basis of nature God would be a sadist and She would be "the greatest abortionist of them all."

Not that any rational approach will work with these people as they will just tell us that this is all part of God's grand plan and that Her purpose is unknowable by the likes of us, even though we MAY know that She designed all this!

This story from Altoona PA in which a drunken man, armed with a gun, managed to shoot himself whilst trying to shoot bees (really - he was) set me to thinking. Would it be too much to ask that it should be possible to remove from an individual the "right" to carry weapons, possess weapons or live in a household containing weapons after they are found to be in possession of weapons (or at least found to have used weapons) whilst under the influence of alcohol* or illegal drugs? Surely no one could object to that could they?

*The drink driving standard could be used for those old enough to drink whilst zero tolerance should be imposed for illegal drugs and alcohol for the underage.

First US Vice President "I'm a Big" Dick Cheney and his team told us that he wasn't part of the Executive Branch of government because he was President of the Senate, making him a member of the Legislative Branch (and therefore not subject to an Executive Order on classified information) and now his lawyer tells us that the Legislative Branch has no authority over him either! Perhaps this means that he doesn't actually exist and that it has all been, like that season of Dallas just a horrible dream!

The more I have had an opportunity to consider US Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia's decision on the constitutionality of torture, without actually having heard a case, the more enraged I have become. In fact, I actually work up sometime around 3 this morning thinking about it. In fact I may have been dreaming about it which clearly is evidence of my deteriorating mental state (but enough about me).

Justice Scalia is, of all of the right wing Supreme Court Justices, the one most beloved by the Christian right; i.e. those who feel that God's law and Christian morality (as defined by them) should be the basis for American government and jurisprudence. This is hard to reconcile with the curious nature of Justice Scalia's (non binding) opinion on torture. His thinking is diametrically opposed to any moral structures and is based on a typical lawyer's conceit; that torture of a suspect is not punishment and therefore is not covered, he asserts, by the Eighth Amendment restrictions on "cruel and unusual punishment". Ergo torture is Constitutional.

So why do the Christian right so adore Scalia? I suspect it is because that, irrespective of his reasoning, his opinions nearly always coincide with theirs; the ends justify the means.

Justice Scalia's opinion could also prove critically important, should it be adopted by a majority of the Court, as it would probably ensure that American treaty ratifications would provide absolutely no protection for the citizens of the world from torture by Americans, at least as long as they haven't been charged with or found guilty of any offence.

Illegal US detainees in Iraq, Afghanistan, Diego Garcia and places unknown as well as those held at the Guantánamo Bay Beach and Leisure Resort are already exempted from any protections under the Geneva Conventions if the US military deems them not to be prisoners of war. Scalia's thinking would also ensure that any legal or illegal detainees of the United States are not offered protections under the United Nations Convention Against Torture and Other Cruel, Inhuman or Degrading Treatment or Punishment.

Why is this? The Convention clearly defines torture as:

"It also provides that:

So how is it that acts that the US is currently engaged in and has recently engaged in do not represent torture as such and therefore would be in violation of the US ratification of this treaty? Because when the US ratified the Convention a reservation was noted to the effect that "the United States considers itself bound by the obligation under Article 16 to prevent 'cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment,' only insofar as the term 'cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment' means the cruel, unusual and inhumane treatment or punishment prohibited by the Fifth, Eighth, and/or Fourteenth Amendments to the Constitution of the United States."* Therefore anything found acceptable by American courts under the 4th, 8th and 14th Constitutional Amendments is not covered by the Convention!

So we are trapped, if Scalia carries the day, in a situation where there are essentially no protections for foreign nationals, and few protections for Americans, from torture at the hands of Captain Codpiece and his evil minions and their undoubtedly equally evil successors.

We should be ashamed. I certainly am.

*(Note: a further American reservation to the ratification goes even further and ensures that any psychological or mental abuse must effectively cause permanent harm if these acts are to be considered to constitute torture.)

...it's important to do it well as the outstanding facilities at the US government run Guantánamo Bay Beach and Leisure Centre see it ranked amongst the world's 10 worst prisons by The Times!

Charges of homicide have been brought against Dale and Leilani Neumann of Wisconsin after they stood by, praying, whilst their 11 year old daughter died of a treatable, if rare, type of diabetes. The Neumanns did not seek medical help. There will be those who say that this is an intrusion into the family's "right" to pursue their religion and to raise their children in their faith but the state has a much, much stronger obligation to protect and defend the young from any who would abuse them and, yes, this is abuse in the 21st century.

I do feel some sympathy for the surviving Neumanns but I feel even greater sympathy for their daughter Lisa. We as a society cannot accept this behaviour nor can we allow it to go unpunished irrespective of the rationale of the parents. Our responsibility is to the safety of the child; not to the parents or their beliefs and certainly not to God.

Number 11: despite his attempts to portray himself as a straight shooter and a man of people it is clear that he believes that rules don't apply to him as he spent much of last year using his wife's private jet (why didn't my ex have one of those?) at a very small percentage of the true cost by taking advantage of an (unintended) loophole in campaign finance rules.

I wonder if they're members of the "Mile High Club".

...I would think that he will not be soothed by the news that a Secret Service agent has been suspended after a noose was found hanging at the Service's main training facility; but that's just a guess.

An Australian man, known as the "Flying Vet", has been taken into custody in Texas after he landed his plane seven miles from Captain Codpiece's country estate. Apparently he wanted to thank the Captain personally after he had been rescued at sea by the US Coast Guard. Maurice Kirk's desire to be seen publicly with the US President has been enough to get him taken to, and held in, a local psychiatric facility.

On this day in 1967 Muhammed Ali was stripped of his world heavyweight boxing championship for refusing induction into the US Army. Four years later the US Supreme Court finally found in favour of Ali and his conviction was overturned.

He'll always be The Greatest!

On the idea of a gasoline tax moratorium. Irrespective of the state of the American economy the government should be doing nothing, I repeat NOTHING, to encourage America's profligate energy consumption; both because we are approaching (if we have not passed) the point of peak oil and because of the country's extravagantly high greenhouse gas emissions. This is simply pandering to the electorate with no thought for policy or for the consequences. The price of petrol in America is still far below that of the rest of the developed world; in the case of the UK it is less than half! If anything the tax should be put on a schedule of aggressive, stepwise increases with the funds raised ring fenced equally for research into alternative energy sources and into public transportation. Of course being right is no way to win an election, especially in America!

A factory in Guangdong in China has been found to have been manufacturing Free Tibet flags for export. I believe that they may have subsequently ceased and desisted!

Smug and arrogant, not to mention fat, US Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has already made up his mind that torture isn't "cruel and unusual punishment" as defined in the 8th Amendment to the US Constitution because, get this, it isn't punishment; just psychotic behaviour then. Key quote: "That's my view and it happens to be correct."

The price of doner kebabs is soaring possibly due to a shortage of whatever they make doner kebab meat from!

The neo-con house organ The Weekly Standard has been telling us for five years that we are winning in Iraq. I think that they have even told us on occasion that we HAVE WON in Iraq. Now, thanks to an article from Holy Father Fredrick Kagan, we finally know how we can tell!

Curiously Mr. Kagan is capable of seeing things that I, and many others, cannot like the stability of the Iraqi state and it's control over its own territory!

The wing nuts of the right like to make fun of Barack Obama's name by constantly using his middle name Hussein, which just happens to be the same as that of some guy we've just spent $3,000,000,000,000 to kill, or "accidentally" mispronouncing his surname as "Osama" which just happens to be the surname of a bloke who would like to spend $3,000,000,000,000 to kill. How come no one ever points out that his first name, Barack, is practically the same as the surname of one extremist right wing former Israeli Prime Minister? Does this mean if Osama Obama is elected we will well and truly have a Zionist Occupied Government?

The return of Silvio Berlusconi to power in Italy, at the head of a rag tag nationalistic and xenophobic coalition may have turned one of my favourite country's into Europe's most right wing state. Strangely Italy is also home to one of the last functioning Communist parties on the continent. The good news is that, as it is Italy we are talking about, the government is unlikely to last for long.

The incredible shrinking Federal tax rebates are on the way so get out there and get stimulating. (This doesn't mean you should use the money on sex toys.) And don't use the funds to anything boring like make mortgage payments either. This is silly money; so be silly.

...to keep on erring whilst thinking you're doing it right is Florida. The state that brought us Election Cluster Fuck 2000 looks set to repeat its proudest moment and retain the much coveted title of "state most difficult to vote in".

Boffins at the University of California believe they are close to finding a way to get at the medical benefits of marijuana without all those nasty side effects like making Cheech and Chong funny or making Tastykakes taste like they're not made from petroleum.

The US Department of Homeland Security has yet another brilliant idea to protect America and keep the fear pumping; sign up the nation's boaters as security guards.

You know what this means don't it? Gilligan is now in charge of protecting the nation's coastlines.

(And if you've got brown skin and beard - don't even think about buying a boat!)

Is Douglas Feith who is, according to a reliable source, the "dumbest fucking guy on the planet" about to join Alberto "Gone-zo" Gonzales on the dole queue? Let's hope so, eh?

The US government is sticking up for that America hating, anti-Judaite Jimmy Carter. Unleash thy venom!

Because there is nothing else to do in a state with a crumbling education system, high poverty and considerable crime, not to mention their responsibility for eight years of Captain Codpiece, the Florida state legislature is fake bull balls on cars.

If not, perhaps it ought to. The situation of Specialist Jeremy Hall, who has sued the Army after he was harassed by officers in Iraq for his atheism is reviewed in the NY Times.

The family of US Lt. Colonel Billy Hall, killed in Iraq, gave permission for the press to cover his funeral in Arlington National Cemetery. The military, undoubtedly acting on orders from above by those who wish to shield sensitive American eyes from the human cost of their arrogance, had other ideas.

Thank you Col. Hall and fuck you George Bush.

Number 10: to claim that Hamas wants Barack Obama to be the next President is simply unacceptable and hopefully, and I am holding my breath here, the media will hold him accountable. (Wait. Sorry. Dreaming.)

It seems that, if one is the President of the United States or his designate, one may make up international law as one goes along. Ergo there are no such things as "human rights.

I think we are best to forget about impeachment and let him, and his evil minions, be snatched up by a court in another, more civilised country.

They might not like the fact that Israel has now recognised gay adoption. Why do they hate the baby Jesus?

The former CEO of the former company Countrywide Financial, Angelo Mozilo, managed the company to the brink of bankruptcy before it was taken over by Bank of America. Because of this he very graciously declined to accept over 35 million USD worth of severance pay and other perks at his "retirement". We now know that Mr. Mozilo could afford to make this noble gesture, in part at least, because of his over 145 million USD in "earnings" from the company for 2007. Most of that amount, 120+ million USD, came from converting options; presumably before the stock tanked.

I gotta get me one of these jobs someday (soon).

When we start allowing the islamofascist jihadi suiciding holy warriors to dictate how we use our language* then the islamofascist jihadi suiciding holy warriors have well and truly won.

At least we fought the good fight!

*Actually the language belongs to the English but for the sake of argument let's pretend otherwise.

We're having a mayoral election here next week and it looks as it "Red" Ken Livingstone might just sneak out a third four year term. He has been well behind in the polls to floppy haired Tory buffoon Boris Johnson until now. Yes America London has had a SOCIALIST at the helm for eight years and the city is in pretty good shape. If nothing else he has sorted out the buses.

We shall know on May Day.

Occasionally I am pleasantly surprised by events. Who would have thought that the state of Texas would have the temerity courage to deny accreditation to the science programme of the Institute for Creation Research as they have to apparent interest in teaching science.

You would think that Auntie would know better. When I first saw the headline "Plans to control access to Amazon" I panicked. Where the hell would I buy my CDs and books? However after taking the time to actually read the article I find that the story is about an idea under consideration by the Brazilian government to require all researchers and workers in THE Amazon basin to procure permits and any found in THE Amazon rain forest without a permit would be heavily fined.

Captain Codpiece is confident that a Palestinian state will be defined during his reign term. He even went so far as to describe Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas as someone that "rejects the idea of using violence to achieve objectives, which distinguishes him from other people in the region". Captain Codpiece said this completely without any sense of irony.

Presidet Abbas's perspective on the situation is rather different as he said, and I paraphrase broadly: "we ain't goin' nowhere". He also forgot to describe the US President as a "man of peace", for obvious reasons.

The Roman Catholic Apostolate for Holy Relics of Los Angeles has decided that the best way to improve morale amongst American troops stationed overseas is to bring them bit of dead people. Personally I think most of them would be happier with a copy of Playboy but that's just me.

The Pentagon's incredible level of "support" for returning troops continues without pause. The father of a soldier who is now stationed at Fort Bragg, NC after returning from 15 months in Afghanistan has posted a video on YouTube of the wonderful housing that these brave lads get to live in; peeling paint, mildew and overflowing sewage are all part of the package. Not to worry though, even though the Army won't stump up for off base housing until the conditions are improved to live-able, there will be new barracks for everyone by 2013!

It seems the chunky drug addict is either calling for, or looking forward to, white riots in Denver during the Democratic National Convention this summer.

For those of you who have forgot the song here's the Clash performing it in Victoria Park in 1978.

Douglas Feith, neo-con extraordinaire, current favourite for this year's "dumbest fucking guy on the planet" and leading architect of Captain Codpiece's Iraq Cluster Fuck has announced that whatever problems there may be in Iraq today, they are somewhere between none and legion depending on your source of information, none of them are