This could get expensive

The US government has agreed to pay a quarter of a million dollars in compensation and apologised to Abdul Habeeb, an Iraqi refugee (how did he get in in the first place?), who they kept in detention for eight days in 2003 after he stepped off an Amtrak train in Montana to stretch his legs whilst looking Middle Eastern. At over 31K USD a day this could make erroneously detaining rather people expensive; not that they are likely to admit to it again.

And I thought he was supposed to be a disciplinarian

I am not a parent and I no longer really follow American football*, it really is boring you know, so I may be inexpert on the subject but perhaps this would be a good time for Philadelphia Eagles coach Andy Reid to resign in order to spend more time with his family. It is just a thought.

*I do accidentally get some news about the sport from the Weekly Dogfighting News.

Keystone Krisis

Panic still reigns in Pennsylvania over the absolutely insane plans by the state to shut down the weapon's check system for four inhumanely long days during which it will be impossible to purchase a gun except by driving to New Jersey, New York, Ohio, West Virginia, Maryland or Delaware. The other option will be to fly to Iraq and try and get one's hands on the 200 thousand missing American weapons there although that supply is unlikely to prove sufficient to get the Keystone State through those terrible 96 hours!

Is there anyone from Woking out there?

If so, I'm just wondering if there have been any sightings of increasingly irrelevant US Secretary of State Conocoleezza Rice in town. Having failed to bring peace to Israel and the (illegally) Occupied Palestinian Territories, Iraq, Afghanistan, Sudan/Darfur, Sri Lanka, the Philippines, Thailand, Kashmir, Chechnya, Somalia, the Niger Delta or Philadelphia I reckon that she is desperate to be able to take the credit for any peace deal worked out between Lewis Hamilton and Fernando Alonso!

It's nothing a fifteen month deployment as a foot soldier won't cure

Senior Airman Travis Gruber is the personal assistant to a California National Guard general. He also runs a website called HowToKillPeople.com. He has been suspended.

The website now bears an explanation that its contents were intended to be humorous.

Guano alert

Bird shit is being blamed for the collapse of the motorway bridge in Minnesota.

I also blame chickhawk bullshit for everything else.

Crisis ahead

The obesity epidemic spreading out from the United States through Western Europe will lead to a fertility crisis and women who wish to become pregnant should work to lose wait.

I eagerly await the release of the new tome from Faux New's John Gibson (is his hair injection molded?). Working title: Follow John's White Woman's Diet Plan and Save Our Christian Nation!

Travels with Uncle Gerry

Everything changed after 11/9 even for Sinn Féin leader Gerry Adams. You can read his account of his travels here but I especially enjoyed this droll encounter with an FBI agent:

"Have you a schedule, sir?"

"Yup," I say, with the patience of a man used to spending four or five hours at a time at the side of Irish roads in the company of the British Army's Parachute Regiment, back in the days when British Army roadblocks were daily rites of passage.

I hand the FBI young gun a copy of my travel schedule - a document that has been in the possession of the US state department for the past month or so.

"Huh," he says. "Why are you going to the White House, sir?"

"To see the president."

"Huh. Why?"

"He asked me," I say evenly.

My deadpan delivery is wasted on him. Maybe he is used to dealing with wise guys.

"Why, sir?"

"I can't discuss that with you. Security ... you know what I mean."

"Huh," he says, looking me straight in the eyes. I return his gaze. I have been interrogated on a number of occasions at Palace Barracks, where they beat you for the hell of it, so playing at "blinking first" with the FBI apprentice and letting him win is no problem.

Victor's history?

This year marks the sesquicentennial of the Indian Mutiny (aka Sepoy Revolt) which was either just one of those things that happen from time to time in an empire or a holocaust dependent on who you ask.

Arise Dr. May

Resplendently coiffured Queen guitarist has finally been awarded his PhD in Astronomy after turning in his thesis 36 years late. He was apparently otherwise engaged.

An adaptation for the stage of his paper entitled Radial Velocities in the Zodiacal Dust Cloud - The Musical is scheduled to open in the West End before Xmas.

Of barmaids and sailors

Bar staff are the Brits likely to die an alcohol related death according to the National Office for Statistics with sailors coming in second. No surprises there then.

Gone-zo watch (day 153)

US Attorney General and Bush succubus Alberto "Gone-zo" seems to still have the support of the only man who matters, His Imperial Majesty Emperor George the Last, as our Great Leader responded to a reporter's question as to whether Gone-zo would be leaving soon by replying that the AG had "done nothing wrong".

I reckon it all comes down to what "done", "nothing" and/or "wrong" means.

Meanwhile in the long dormant race for second place in the "who will get sacked next" competition England football manager Steve "I've Never Really Managed a Winning Side and It Doesn't Look Like I'm Going to Start Now" McClaren faces a critical European qualifying match in a couple of week's time after his side lost to Germany in a midweek friendly. If Bush doesn't get sacking soon McClaren could easily beat Gone-zo into the dole queue!

(To be continued...)

NEWS FLASH

A new study by Iraqi intelligence agencies will express serious doubts about the ability of American leader George W. Bush to unify his country, Iraqi media report.

Wait just a minute. I might have got some of that mixed up. Sorry for any confusion.

Wacko alert!

An author by the name of Robert Bowie Johnson Jr. thinks that Christians should refer to believers in evolution as "Slime-Snake-Monkey-People"; and "mutants". Because it is the Christian thing to do.

Mr. Johnson does not provide advice for Christians who believe in evolution. Should they begin insulting themselves and stop listening to the voices in their heads?

Jewish lightning?

Israel's only crematorium has burned down in suspicious circumstances. How does a crematorium burn?

Come to think of it I've never understood how the Crystal Palace burned down either.

Progress report

Many, perhaps most, of the electric switching stations that control Iraq's electric grid are now in the hands of various and sundry militias. Was this a bench mark?

Supporting the troops

A least 1,000 fewer mine resistant armoured vehicles will be deployed to Iraq this year because of the time required to ship them! Not because of the incompetents in the Defense Department who failed to work out that they would have to be shipped to Iraq rather than GIs going to the factories to pick them up.

C'est la guerre Faux

We can rest assured...

...that there will be no demonstrations, violence, condemnation or death threats over these cartoons of Jesus. Only evil Muslims do things like that!

In which I introduce a new index of candidate support

Barack, Barack, Barack! How many times have I told you not to say things like this, eh?

Barack Obama had to discuss insanity with Jon Stewart on the Daily Show didn't he? This had to get me thinking about how to rank the candidates by a Google search for their name + the word insane didn't it? So here are the results of the first Yank in London Candidate Insanity Ranking Analysis (CIRA). I take each candidate's hit count and calculate it as a percentage of the party's total.

A few notes. The Democrats get a lot more hits than their Republican opposite numbers despite the, in my opinion, greater and more obvious insanity of some of the Republican contenders. I have also including, even though their candidacies are not announced Al Gore, Fred Thompson, Newt Gingrich and, just for fun, Alan Keyes.

For the Democrats:

Al Gore 28.0%
Hillary Clinton 21.2%
Barack Obama 14.4%
John Edwards 14.3%
Bill Richardson 5.8%
Joe Biden 5.5%
Dennis Kucinich 5.4%
Mike Gravel 2.9%
Chris Dodd 2.3%

For the Republicans:

John McCain 18.5%
Ron Paul 15.7%
Mitt Romney 12.5%
Rudy Giuliani 11.8%
Fred Thompson 9.6%
Newt Gingrich 8.9%
Duncan Hunter 6.4%
Sam Brownback 5.0%
Tom Tancredo 4.9%
Mike Huckabee 4.8%
Alan Keyes 1.9%

The only real surprises were Tancredo and Keyes not ranking higher.

Why is the Bush adminstration like a woman?

Because it is allowed to change its mind.

Note: the sexist innuendo in this post's title was unavoidable and therefore unintended!

"I think I'll take whoever is behind door number three!"

Increasingly irrelevant US Secretary of State Conocoleezza Rice is listed by Forbes as Washington's most eligible bachelorette. Thanks but no thank if you know what I mean?

I do have a mate that fancies her but I suspect only as part of an elaborate fantasy involving leather, assorted lubricants and light bondage. Right Dan?

News about the son-of-the-son-of-the-son-of-Star Wars - patomine style

Is siting the radar for the US "defence" system in the Czech Republic a "provocation"?

"Oh yes it is!" says Austrian Defence Minister Norbert Darabos

"Oh no it isn't!" says Czech Foreign Minister Karel Schwarzenberg.

If they take away our guns only the cops will have guns

Didn't there used to be a poster/t-shirt/bumper sticker to that effect? I only ask as this story about an Oklahoma man being hit by a "stray" bullet from a police firing range three quarters of a mile a way reminded me. Key quote from victim Bill Bolechala:

"I’m not in shock, but I didn’t plan on getting shot."

Well who does Mr. Bolechala; who does?

Everybody's a critic

The Vietnamese, it seems, don't exactly see eye to eye with Captain Codpiece over his regrets that the Vietnam War didn't last longer.

"Doesn't he realize that if the US had stayed in Vietnam longer, they would have killed more people?" said Vu Huy Trieu of Hanoi, a veteran who fought against US troops in Vietnam. "Nobody regrets that the Vietnam war wasn't prolonged except Bush."

Oh and Vietnam's Foreign Ministry spokesman is named Le Dung, which I believe means "The Shit" in French

Xmas comes early to the coal mining industry

Bush is planning to eliminate more "wasteful" regulation that is currently preventing that essential industry, coal mining, from cutting the tops off of mountains if they want to; deservedly so in my book!

I couldn't help but be reminded of John Prine's song "Paradise". The reasons should be evident.

Truth in advertising

A new organisation called Freedoms Watch, starring Ari Fleischer and others, has been launched that is "dedicated to fighting to protect the ideals and issues that keep America strong and prosperous". From their website comes this mission statement:

Our mission is to ensure a strong national defense and a powerful fight against terror, especially in Iraq. On the domestic front, our mission is to give hope, lift people up, and achieve prosperity through free enterprise.

Those who want to quit while victory is possible have dominated the public debate about terror and Iraq since the 2004 election.

Our group will give a voice to those who believe that victory is America's only choice. For those who believe in peace through strength, the cavalry is coming.

Our goal, as we await General Petraeus' report, is to make sure our elected leaders do not abandon our nation's mission in Iraq and that they do not cave in to the demands of those who want to cut and run.

I never really thought that I would see the words "cut and run" in any one's mission statement but then I have often been accused of possessing a regrettable naïveté.

They plan on spending over 7 million USD airing ads in support of Our Divine Leader's noble efforts to replicate the American experience in Vietnam in Iraq.

In any case I don't think the we could sue them for false advertising over their name. With these folks prowling around we had best Watch our Freedoms every bloody instant or they might disappear!

Void where prohibited by law

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

First Amendment to the US Constitution

The American Civil Liberties Union has got its hands on a White House manual that details how those anti-patriots who have the temerity to disagree with the Decider(TM) are to be maltreated.

They should be searched. They should not be seen. They should be heard. If at all possible they should be made not to exist.

Never let the Constitution get in the way of a really good plan.

Just 159,941 easy payments*

Joseph Mollicone is a former banker who was convicted of embezzlement in 1993, sentenced to thirty years in prison and ordered to pay 12 million USD in restitution. He was released on parole in 2003 and began employment in metal working. His current court order requires him to may restitution repayments of 75 USD a month. It doesn't look as though he's going to have time to finish the payments off before he dies. It's a shame he hasn't got rich and influential friends like I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby who would pay off the debt for him.

*Interest not included

Bringing the war home

Chief Warrant Officer Mark Kelsey has a job you would not want. Trust me. On fifty four difference occasions he has been the representative of the US Army who brings the terrible news that a loved one is dead.