It's like watching squid thaw!

No, really, it is and you can watch it here.

"For Christ's sake are you done if there yet?"

Police in Kansas are investigating the rather bizarre case of a woman who spent two years on her boyfriend's toilet and had to be cut away from the toilet seat because her flesh had attached itself.

The simple life in Dibble OK

"Hey Jim Bob. I do believe them goats is fuckin'. Better call the Sheriff."

Baseball banned in Italy!!!

Yes - America's national sport will no longer be played in Italy now that an Italian court has ruled it illegal for men to scratch their balls in public. Nose picking still allowed as far as I can tell.

This is going to mean a whole lot of remakes

It seems that the Vikings were much more concerned with their sartorial splendor than we have thought to date.

Why commercial pilots shouldn't have a sense of adventure

(Or in this case ex-pilot.) It is not a good idea to buzz an airport's control tower in a passenger jet, especially if the airline's chairman is safely tucked away in first class.

Mark your calendars!

14 March is Talk Like a Physicist Day. I may give it a try on the day but I suspect I will quickly be found out.

Is that a nail in your penis or are you just glad to see me

This must have really bloody hurt.

It's about bloody time

In my somewhere-around-a-decade-long marriage* I don't believe I ever managed to buy an item of apparel, with the possible exception of a woolly jumper, for my wife that fit. I learned to retain all receipts! I have long believed that the there is a way to make sense of the sizes of women's clothes but that it certainly involves the utilisation of pi and probably both imaginary numbers and the Planck length as well. In any case I never worked out the formula and to this day I am both intimidated and mystified by women's clothing sizes.

Well finally the Spanish government, run by Socialists, is going to do something about it. Well done!

Now if I could just remember the difference between British and American shoe sizes.


*Don't pick on me for not knowing exactly how long my marriage lasted. It is much easier to recall when a marriage began (I still know the precise date) than to work out when it ended!

It's a bird...

It's a plane...

It's a whotel...

What?

All eyes on Punxsutawney

Yes. Today is Groundhog Day and the morning news teams for TV stations across America will descend on the western Pennsylvania town for the most meaningless "news" story of the year.

In related news the film "Groundhog Day" has turned fifteen even though it only thinks it is one.

Paging Sam-I-Am

There is a chicken in Cuautitlán, Mexico that has taken to laying what are alleged to be green eggs. Now I know that I have partial deuteranopia but the eggs in the picture look bloody gray to me!

This must have been one small cow

I don't know how else to explain how these thieves were able to get the bovine contraband into the back seat of a Proton Wira.

The ballad of Jesus and the weiner poopie

Just watch this. Mere words cannot do it justice. (Key quote: "we won't press charges if Jesus is unharmed"!)

Valentine's Day isn't that far off...

...if you're still trying to think of a present you could do worse than some eco-lingerie!

Isn't he too dark skinned for the part?

Johnny Depp wants to play Michael Jackson perhaps because he has long been searching for a part weirder than Edward Scissorhands.

Bizarre celebrity rumour of the week

Is eminently talentless and disturbed "superstar" Britney Spears moving to Pakistan? If so, I am certain that she will fit right in.

Skate boarding? Fruit salad making?

Why have the Scouts left saving the President's life off of the list of new merit badges?

And they seemed so right for each other

Dr. Phil has had to cancel his planned "Britney Spears is Insane" TV special. Too bad really, I'm sure it would have been most tasteful. Not that I would have watched it.

"I told you I'm not going!"

A ten year old Mexican boy glued himself to his bed rather than go to school. Why didn't I ever think of that?