Attention Minutemen!

As if you were not stretched thin enough already working valiantly to ensure that the residents of the Hamptons go without pool boys and house cleaners but now you've got to be on the look out for lorry loads of dodgy jalapeños as well.

We really don't pay you enough!

Finally - China becomes a democracy!!

The Chinese authorities have belatedly decided to provide "free speech zones" during the Olympics and everyone knows that free speech zones are as good as free speech or they wouldn't be allowed in America, right?

He is not a bun!

So Obama has had his big moment in Berlin only to further anger the true protectors of American values by having the temerity to put up posters in German in Germany. Meanwhile I'm sure that people in the Philadelphia area, seeing headlines about the Senator's appearance in Berlin, are wondering why it's such a big deal that he visited New Jersey.

Today in Schadenfreude (or is it quote of the week?)

"We're fucked." The reaction of a leading Republicon strategist to the statement by the Iraqi Prime Minister essentially demanding a timebable for the withdrawal of the occupying American troops.

1,000 reasons John McCain shouldn't be President

Number 64: remember the New Math? Well last week the Aged One invented the New Geography. In this new "science" Pakistan and Iraq seem to have a border. It is of course possible, one might say probable, that in the Arizona Senator's mind he has already illegally invaded Iran, conquered it and split the territory amongst it's neighbours.

The end of a beautiful friendship?

The foreign affairs of the select committee in the British House of Commons has come to the conclusion that the British government can no longer trust the American government when it says it does not torture. Well who needs the bloody Brits anyway. I think Fiji's still on our side.

And he knows whereof he speaks!

In Houston the other day Captain Codpiece told his twelve remaining supporters that "Wall Street got drunk" which, I assume, explains everything and as soon as they get a fry up in them and a couple of Bloody Marys all will be well!

The 5% solution

In the California town of Merced nearly 5% of its homes has been foreclosed in the past year. But there's always an upside; Mrs. Codpiece might be able to get a bargain on her new house in Dallas.

A marriage made in heaven!

McDonald's corporation, who has been bringing nutrition to America's youth for generations has a deal with Faux News in La, who has been bringing a peculiar version of the truth to America's voters for far too long, that will see product placement coming to your local newscast. With the introduction of digital one can only assume that one will be able to push the red button to supersize your news.

But he's an evil doer!!

US Navy Captain Keith J. Allred, the judge overseeing the trail of Osama bin Laden's former driver Salim Ahmed Hamdan in the luxurious courtroom at the palatial Guantánamo Bay Beach and Leisure Resort, has barred the introduction of some of Hamdan's statements into evidence just because he may have been tortured roughed up a bit. Why does Captain Allred hate freedom? One can only assume that the Captain will mysteriously disappear shortly.

1,000 reasons John McCain shouldn't be President

Number 63: he's so worried that the Social Security trust fund is going to go broke he isn't waiting until he retires to his money out! For fuck's sake John. Your wife's worth something in the neighbourhood of $100 million. Can't you just ask he to up your allowance and leave something for the little people?

The following is a message from the Right Reverend Dr. James Dobson

"Won't someone please stop me before I endorse again!"

Some Saturday levity

There's a new episode of "Fun with War Crimes" (not for the faint of heart).

A trial balloon

Well it was really just a matter of time wasn't it? Our dear friends at Family Security Matters have ever so subtly put forward the suggestion that Captain Codpiece be made President for Life whilst there's still time! Well as long as it done with good faith and in the true spirit of American democracy.

1,000 reasons John McCain shouldn't be President

Number 62: he (or his ghost writers) isn't even qualified to write a simple opinion piece.

Activist judges free Janet Jackson's tits!

The US 3rd Circuit Court of Appeals has overturned the FCC's ludicrous half million USD fine for the nano-second glimpse we got of her breast piercings during the Super Bowl a couple of years ago. Why does no one even note that you see a hundred times the amount the breast flesh during the obligatory cleavage panning shot of the cheerleaders before every prime time game?

Free markets kill

A new study from a researcher at Cambridge University makes a link between IMF mandated cuts in universal healthcare in Eastern European with increases in the rate of tuberculosis there. The study fails to discuss whether these people are using their best judgement by infecting themselves after a careful cost/benefit analysis.

Put your head between your knees...

...and kiss your habeas corpus goodbye. Despite all his fine talk it appears that Captain Codpiece has no intentions to follow the law despite the Supreme Court's unequivocal ruling!

Hey America think you've got it bad?

Never mind. It could be worse you could be a Zimbabwean. They must be paying over 3 billion dollars for a gallon of gasoline!

You can check out anytime you want...

...but you'll need a helicopter to the airport because you wouldn't want to leave the Green Zone after you weekend getaway at the Hotel Baghdad.

Faux and (un)balanced

The American airwaves are alive as one network accuses another of bias and, to our immense amusement, the accusations are coming from the home of Fauxness!

Thank God it's only a "time horizon"...

...because if Bush and al-Maliki had agreed to a timetable instead it would mean that the terrorists have won!

I didn't mean to be right!

I have long semi-jokingly described America as a first world nation and a third world nation sharing the same geography. It seems that I may have been right at we all should be shamed by the 30 year gap in life expectancy between the states of Mississippi and Connecticut.

Larry Craig will not go gently into his goodnight

He doesn't want those dern ferners to jerk us around by our "gas nozzles" with a possible exemption for airports men's' rooms!

Has Captain Codpiece been possessed by aliens that don't know his habits?

I could have sworn he had said that he would never talk to terrorists and if those evil Iranians with their unpronounceable names aren't terrorists, well who is?

1,000 reasons John McCain shouldn't be President

Number 61: he's cheating on your taxes!

The one million name list

America's list of potential terrorists has now reached seven figures. Any predictions as to when it will reach eight figures? But don't worry. If you're not an evil doer you have nothing to worry about unless you might want to fly somewhere.

Now I'm not saying he'd shouldn't have gone to Tony Snow's funeral...

...but you would think that someday before he slinks back off to Texas he might have the humility and courage to finally attend to the funeral of a soldier whose death he has done so much to cause.

Guilty as charged!!!

Those dangerous freedom haters and terrorist enablers at the International Red Cross has found that the administration of Captain Codpiece and his evil minions have probably committed war crimes. The mere prospect of Bush, Rumsfeld and Cheney having to face a court someday, probably in Europe, is making exciting things happen to my ever so patriotic little man downstairs!

"So like how much to find out what he's hiding in that codpiece?"

Only about $250,000 apparently which surely is value for money!