Holiday madness!

One does wonder how these folks ever got on the telly in the first place, let alone how they stay there. Sean Hannity pronounces to the nation that Halloween is an (evil) liberal holiday because it teaches "kids to knock on other people's doors and ask for a handout". Well how else are they going to learn to grow up to executives for defence firms?

Perhaps we should give some thought to the holidays celebrated throughout the year and across the nation and see what moral value we can assign to them. Undoubtedly we will find a terrible liberal bias which threatens to brainwash the country's children and destroy the white Christian America all right thinking Americans hold dear.

New Year's Day - this is a bit of a tricky one. Properly observed it ought to be a good and moral conservative holiday during which the nation's menfolk sit around drinking beer, eating nachos and watching (American) football matches whilst the ladies rustle up something in the kitchen. However if you live in or near Philadelphia it is entirely possible you will spend the day watching men dressed in bizarre costumes marching down Broad Street wearing rather a lot of feathers and looking rather like minor characters out of La Cage aux folles So for most of America a good Christian holiday but in eastern Pennsylvania something balanced dangerously on the edge of gayness. Half a point to the right.

• Martin Luther King Day - do we even have to discuss this? Clearly a day celebrating the destruction of states' rights, affirmative action and interracial breeding. A point for the left.
• President's Day - again a bit of a tricky one. On the surface this would clearly appear to be one for the right celebrating the births of two slave owners. However the inclusion of Jefferson makes it a bit tricky for anyone who has ever read his writings. Fortunately this does not apply to 99.99% of Americans and therefore we can award one full point to the right.
• Memorial Day - this holiday is to honour men and women who have died in the armed services in defence of their country. It should belong to everyone but right wing clearly believes it belongs to them because the dangerous, anti-patriotic, un-American "hard left" clearly do not want service men and women to die for their country and therefore want to cheat them of their opportunity to have a day of their own. A half point to the right.
• Independence Day - again a day that should belong to everyone but which the right claims as their own. Again the dangerous sub-humans on the left show their seditious spirit by refusing to drape themselves in red, white and blue for the day. Again a half point to the right.
• Labor Day - this ought to be a day that is the sole preserve of the left but something happened to the trade union movement in America before I was born. Most Americans actually forget why they get the day off and just drive to the shore for the weekend to get pissed and grab a last bit of sun. Minus one half point to the left for having lost their way.
• Columbus Day - this holiday that celebrates imperialism and genocide so splendidly clearly belongs to the right who claim it celebrates the true American spirit of the true Americans who have no American blood whatsoever. A full point to the right.
• Veterans Day - seem Memorial Day. Half point to the right.
• Thanksgiving Day - this should be a simple harvest festival belonging to everyone (if one can overlook the shadow of imperialism and genocide) but somehow the right claims this "Christian" festival is about family values, meaning gays get no turkey, and God. The left has allowed this to happen so a full point to the right.
• Xmas Day - if one approaches Xmas as a holiday devoted to gluttony, greed, wholesale consumerism and America's place as a Christian nation it clearly is a right wing holiday; if one reads the New Testament one would most probably argue that this is a holiday devoted to community spirit, sharing and general socialism. Unfortunately we do not make this argument often or well and therefore one full point awarded to the right.

So after reviewing the official holidays the score is five full points for the right and only a half point for the left. Where oh where is this bloody liberal bias. Perhaps we shall find it tomorrow when I review the unoffical national holidays!