01 January 2008

Remember you heard it here first!

Many people like to take this time of year to look backwards. Optimist that I am I like to look forward. So without further ado I present: "2008 - The Year in Preview"

10 January - the 52nd birthday of Yank in London is not celebrated by a Space Shuttle Launch

21 January - at 13:00 British Prime Minister Gordon Brown calls a snap election for 13:30 the same afternoon. The polling station in Downing Street is the only station that manages to open. At 21:00 the results from Downing Street are reported. The Labour candidate received one vote, the Conservative candidate received four votes and the Official Monster Raving Loony Party candidate received ten votes and is asked to form a government.

31 January - the newly declared independent Lakota Nation is recognised by Lichtenstein

14 February - Senator Larry Gay - ("Not Now nor Never Has Been Gay" - Idaho) arrested in a gay brothel in American Fork Idaho. Claims he just stopped by for a chat.

29 February - Pete Dougherty arrested eleven times in a twenty four hour period.

7 March - Rush Limbaugh announces he has fallen off the OxyContin wagon; follows his announcement with an endorsement of Hillary Clinton for President.

19 March - Osama bin Laden releases a video cover version of "California Girls" and announces he will we designing a new range of beach wear for women

1 April - Tom Cruise visits the White House

2 April - In an unscheduled address to the American people Captain Codpiece announces that he has converted to the Church of Scientology. He apologises for all of his irrational behaviour and blames the illegal invasion of Iraq on Thetans.

3 April - Captain Codpiece taken to Walter Reed Hospital for "routine check up"

29 April - Michael Jackson is declared the winner of Celebrity Big Brother. The series lasted only one show as the former pop superstar's housemates staged a mass jail break after spending only two hours in his company.

30 April - Michael Jackson refuses to leave the Big Brother house and begins to construct a replica of Neverland estate in the back garden.

1 May - the newly declared independent Lakota Nation is recognised by Iran

15 May - the Guantánamo Bay Beach and Leisure Club launches a bid for 2016 Olympics

30 May - increasingly irrelevant US Secretary of State Conocoleezza Rice resigns citing a desire to "spend more time with her family".

9 June - former Republican Presidential ever-so-hopeful Tom Tancredo revealed to be the son of illegal immigrants.

10 June - former Republican Presidential ever-so-hopeful Tom Tancredo demands that he be deported.

11 June - former Republican Presidential ever-so-hopeful Tom Tancredo put on a slow boat to Italy

28 June - Captain Codpiece released from Walter Reed Hospital following extremely extensive "routine check up". He says the Thetans are gone and he is a Christian again.

4 July - Captain Codpiece announces the illegal invasion of Iran.

5 July - US troops attempting to invade Iran from Afghanistan and navigating via GPS mistakenly conquer Turkmenistan.

14 July - former Republican Presidential ever-so-hopeful Tom Tancredo refused entry to Italy. The Italian authorities refer to him as a complete tosser and put him back on a slow boat to the US.

31 July - the newly independent Lakota Nation warns United States to leave its soil or face "dire consequences".

4 August - doctors at Walter Reed hospital announce that they have failed to located a heart in US Vice President "I'm a Big" Dick Cheney and say that they believe he may have been dead for the past seven years. "I'm a Big" Dick Cheney tells them to go fuck themselves.

9 August - Guantánamo Bay Beach and Leisure Club announces that should it be successful in its bid for the 2016 Olympics that it will introduce water-boarding and the two man naked stress position as demonstration sports.

10 August - Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman announces that he is now an Independent Republican and will seek the Vice Presidential nomination from any party.

28 August - the Democratic National Convention opens in Denver CO.

31 August - a hopelessly deadlocked Democratic Convention accidentally nominates Bill Clinton's half brother Roger as it's Presidential nominee.

1 September - the 2008 Republican National Convention opens in Saint Paul MN

4 September - a hopelessly deadlocked Republican National Convention nominates Jenna and not Jenna Bush as their Presidential and Vice Presidential candidates for November. When asked who is running for which office Jenna (or possibly Not Jenna) replied "we'll sort that out later" and scurried away to the bar for some Tequilla slammers.

10 September - Israel completes construction of its border wall fence around the illegally occupied Palestinian territories.

11 September - a special anniversary edition of

My Pet Goat

is released

12 September - Israel announces that it likes its border wall fence so much it is going to add a lid.

25 September - Bill O'Reilly found in an Atlantic City hotel room naked, bound and gagged with $20,000 in chips and a loofah in his anus.

26 September - 127,000 women, along with Senator Larry Craig (Still Not Gay - ID) turn themselves into the Atlantic City police claiming responsibility.

1 October - Osama bin Laden releases a video in which he announces that after careful consideration he has become a follower of the "Reverend" Sun Myung Moon.

2 October - the Washington Times signs up Osama as a daily columnist.

10 October - Vladimir Putin names himself Tsar. Claims the move is entirely constitutional and what the Russian people demand. The Russian people send out for more vodka.

20 October - Lakota Nation demands that the UN Security Council approve a reverse invasion of the United States citing clear and irrefutable evidence of the presence of weapons of mass destruction as well as refusal to allow UN inspections of its WMD programmes.

27 October - Conocoleeza Rice comes out as a lesbian and announces that her long time partner is ring wing "pundette" Ann Coulter

28 October - Ann Coulter announces to her long time partner that she doesn't want to disappoint her but "look at this Adam's Apple will you - I'm a bloke".

4 November - the US Presidential election takes place. No one shows up to vote in Dixville Notch NH. Networks unclear what to do. Turn out is extremely light as Americans have clearly lost the will to live. After the polls close in Ohio it is revealed that the Bush twins have garnered 27 million more votes than there are registered votes but the Ohio state commissioner of elections (and chairman of the Bush twins' Ohio campaign) said that there was nothing to worry about as computers are never wrong. The Bush twins sweep all 50 states and the dynasty continues.

5 November - Pete Dougherty arrested twelve times in twenty four hours breaking his previous record of eleven arrests established earlier in the year.

25 November - Bush announces the impending illegal invasions of Israel, Italy, India, Indonesia, Iceland and Ireland. He says he didn't want to miss out on any "I" countries before he goes.

26 November - the National Guards of Idaho, Illinois, Indiana and Iowa, at least those few not in Iraq, Afghanistan or Iran, are put on full alert.

27 November - the Irish ambassador in Washington lodges a complaint over the impending invasion; claims the real name of his country is Éire.

25 December - Captain Codpiece Bush pardons "I'm a Big" Dick Cheney and himself. Claims that there is nothing in constitution to prevent it.

31 December - God gets completely fucked off with what's happening on Her least favourite planet and slams an asteroid into it ending all life on Earth.

THE END (Happy New Year)

1 comment:

Mike said...

I'm actually rather looking forward to the asteroid bit anymore.