CAPTAIN CODPIECE: Hiya. The economy sucks but I'm rich and have an ironclad pension so I'm OK thank God. Drill in ANWR! Blame Congress! I want to reach out to Congress but only if they do exactly what I say. Jennifer?
Q: Are Americans sufficiently stimulated? Things still suck out there. Will you cut the gas tax?
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: The stimulating stuff is just starting to stimulate so they probably are fully stimulated yet, but they will be as long as we drill in ANWR.
Q: Is that a yes on gas tax?
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: No.
Q: Where you wrong when you said the economy wasn't in a recession? The cost of food and stuff sure is high. Even Rush Limbaugh is losing weight! Why won't the Saudis let the price of gas be 19 cents a gallon again?
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: These are tough times. Especially if you're not rich. I don't know any people like that but I hear they're having a hard time buying new helicopters. But everything's going to be OK because the not rich people will soon have batteries in the cars and be able to go 40 miles! Nuclear power - believe it - I do!
As to the Saudis I asked my buddy St. Tony Blair about this but he says that BAE told him we wouldn't be able to afford the bribes.
Q; Are biofuels causing the price of food to go up? The World Bank says they are. What can America do to make food cheaper around the world?
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: It's the weather not biofuel and the price of gas is going to drive more grain to energy and make the situation worse. It's in America's interests that we grow our own energy and if that means other people go hungry... Does that answer your question?
Q: Gas tax. Why don't you want Americans to be able to afford vacations this summer like John McCain or do you want they to be poor and unhappy like Barack Osama?
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: You're trying to get me to endorse McCain aren't you? I told you guys I'm only going to do that subliminally. So cut it out. In the mean time we are anal-ysing all sorts of stuff. That's me I'm The Anal-yser! You're starting to make me stroppy.
Q: What about peak oil? What about renewables?
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: We like cellulosic ethanol which is a fancy word I just learned. Well, I learned how to say it, not what it means. We're also in a period of transition. This means incredible amounts of money are transition from ordinary Americans to the oil companies; or as I like to call them, my friends.
In the meantime ANWR, ANWR, ANWR. Drill in ANWR and gasoline will be free!
Q: I'd like to give you an opportunity to make a little joke now!
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: OK Rog! I like a little joke. Mr. Sunshine.
Q: Other people think you are mad for continuing to fill the strategic petroleum reserve. What do you say to that?
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: We're only doing that because of global market, al Qaeda, destroy us.
Q: I want to talk about Afghanistan. Their President was almost killed. Are we winning?
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: Of course we're winning. That's why the evil doers are fighting so hard and killing so many!
But it's hard in Afghanistan. If you know the history of the country, and I don't but I'm some of you do, it's a hard country. And they've got girls there. And an Army.
Q: But are we winning?
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: Progress! Progress! Good!
Q: But are we winning?
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: Stop it now! I'm angry with you. Just stop it. Do think I'm here to answer questions?
Q: [inaudible}
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: Hey! They've cut off your mike! I'm just like Bill O'Reilly. This is awesome.
Q: You said were were winning.
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: There you go asking questions again. I mad at you. I'm going to have to start yelling soon.
Now I gave you an exclusive and we're winning in Afghanistan and everywhere. Cause that's what we do. We're winners!
Q: [inaudible]
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: Now they've turned off all the mikes. That'll teach you lot!
Q: When we asked you about Israel bombing Syria you said you had to go off and clear brush. Now all of a sudden you've released classified photos and told us it was a nuclear installation being built by commies. Why did you wait nearly a year to tell the American people?
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: We briefed some people and we were afraid that disclosure would lead to war in the middle east and I am Mr. Peace. Also there are secret coded messages in our statements that you, with your little tiny brains will not understand, did you hear that Ahmadinejad?
Q: Here's a softball. Ready? Everything's the fault of the Democrats isn't it? The economy? FISA? Colombia? Why don't they recognise how right you are in all things?
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: You are so right! It's hard to believe how they want to endanger and impoverish the American people isn't it? Susan?
Q: [flicking her hair coquettishly off of her forehead] When do I get an "exclusive at the ranch"?
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: Just you wait baby.
Q: Even though drilling in ANWR will make gasoline free isn't that a long way off? What are you going to do to make gasoline free now? And will the GDP numbers show we're in a recession?
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: Well things are tough on the people who aren't rich. But no body tells me anything so I don't know.
And ANWR is mid term so gasoline will be free soon! And we've done other stuff. We've increased CAFTA! [in thought bubble: "can you believe I'm taking credit for that?") I wish I had a magic wand.
Q: B-
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: Don't interrupt me. Now I'm more confused than usual. But I want to make people feel good and I want to drill in ANWR. Did I mention permanent tax cuts?
Q: Another softball. Ready? Is Jimmy Carter a traitor and is he just trying to undermine you so you don't win the Nobel Peace prize too?
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: Hamas are evildoers. And so are Syria. And Iran. And some other countries I can't pronounce. The problem is Hamas. [in thought bubble: "don't you worry. Jimmy'll be in Gitmo soon!"]
Q: But isn't Carter a traitor? Why didn't you stop him?
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: I don't talk to him. It's all Hamas's fault. You go to meetings with these people, which I don't by the way because they are evildoers, and they lie. Who do they think they are? I mean I supported the elections and then the damn Palestinians had to go an elect the evildoers. Why are they so ungrateful after all I have done to them? And there's going to be an agreement soon because I need a legacy.
Q: Congress is not going to pass exactly the 108 billion dollar spare change for Iraq act. What will you do?
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: 108! 108! 108! and not a penny more (or less). If they do something else it's all their fault, like everything else.
Q: Another softball. Ready? I'd like to give you an opportunity to tell the next President what they will need to do in order to continue to fuck up the country and the planet to the same order of magnitude as you. Go ahead.
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: You're right. They mustn't forget the Eternal Global War on Terra. America is under attack. Be afraid. And don't protect American jobs because American corporations need the money more than American citizens need their jobs! And remember God is on America#'s side; not anyone else's.
Q: Thank you.
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: You're looking hot.
Q: Thank you. You're trying to get me off, aren't you you sexy devil?
Q: Americans think the country is in a recession. Why are they wrong? Also do you know how to spell Zimbabwe?
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: It's just a word. So I want Americans to feel good and not worry and get out there and get stimulating. Buy a new TV. Don't worry about the mortgage payments. And no - I don't know how to spell Zimbabwe. I think it has an "i" in it and maybe an "s".
Have a nice day.
If you think I've taken liberties with the editing, and I have, and you wish to actually find out what he said the official White House probably-not-unedited transcript may be found here.
Q: Are Americans sufficiently stimulated? Things still suck out there. Will you cut the gas tax?
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: The stimulating stuff is just starting to stimulate so they probably are fully stimulated yet, but they will be as long as we drill in ANWR.
Q: Is that a yes on gas tax?
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: No.
Q: Where you wrong when you said the economy wasn't in a recession? The cost of food and stuff sure is high. Even Rush Limbaugh is losing weight! Why won't the Saudis let the price of gas be 19 cents a gallon again?
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: These are tough times. Especially if you're not rich. I don't know any people like that but I hear they're having a hard time buying new helicopters. But everything's going to be OK because the not rich people will soon have batteries in the cars and be able to go 40 miles! Nuclear power - believe it - I do!
As to the Saudis I asked my buddy St. Tony Blair about this but he says that BAE told him we wouldn't be able to afford the bribes.
Q; Are biofuels causing the price of food to go up? The World Bank says they are. What can America do to make food cheaper around the world?
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: It's the weather not biofuel and the price of gas is going to drive more grain to energy and make the situation worse. It's in America's interests that we grow our own energy and if that means other people go hungry... Does that answer your question?
Q: Gas tax. Why don't you want Americans to be able to afford vacations this summer like John McCain or do you want they to be poor and unhappy like Barack Osama?
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: You're trying to get me to endorse McCain aren't you? I told you guys I'm only going to do that subliminally. So cut it out. In the mean time we are anal-ysing all sorts of stuff. That's me I'm The Anal-yser! You're starting to make me stroppy.
Q: What about peak oil? What about renewables?
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: We like cellulosic ethanol which is a fancy word I just learned. Well, I learned how to say it, not what it means. We're also in a period of transition. This means incredible amounts of money are transition from ordinary Americans to the oil companies; or as I like to call them, my friends.
In the meantime ANWR, ANWR, ANWR. Drill in ANWR and gasoline will be free!
Q: I'd like to give you an opportunity to make a little joke now!
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: OK Rog! I like a little joke. Mr. Sunshine.
Q: Other people think you are mad for continuing to fill the strategic petroleum reserve. What do you say to that?
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: We're only doing that because of global market, al Qaeda, destroy us.
Q: I want to talk about Afghanistan. Their President was almost killed. Are we winning?
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: Of course we're winning. That's why the evil doers are fighting so hard and killing so many!
But it's hard in Afghanistan. If you know the history of the country, and I don't but I'm some of you do, it's a hard country. And they've got girls there. And an Army.
Q: But are we winning?
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: Progress! Progress! Good!
Q: But are we winning?
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: Stop it now! I'm angry with you. Just stop it. Do think I'm here to answer questions?
Q: [inaudible}
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: Hey! They've cut off your mike! I'm just like Bill O'Reilly. This is awesome.
Q: You said were were winning.
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: There you go asking questions again. I mad at you. I'm going to have to start yelling soon.
Now I gave you an exclusive and we're winning in Afghanistan and everywhere. Cause that's what we do. We're winners!
Q: [inaudible]
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: Now they've turned off all the mikes. That'll teach you lot!
Q: When we asked you about Israel bombing Syria you said you had to go off and clear brush. Now all of a sudden you've released classified photos and told us it was a nuclear installation being built by commies. Why did you wait nearly a year to tell the American people?
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: We briefed some people and we were afraid that disclosure would lead to war in the middle east and I am Mr. Peace. Also there are secret coded messages in our statements that you, with your little tiny brains will not understand, did you hear that Ahmadinejad?
Q: Here's a softball. Ready? Everything's the fault of the Democrats isn't it? The economy? FISA? Colombia? Why don't they recognise how right you are in all things?
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: You are so right! It's hard to believe how they want to endanger and impoverish the American people isn't it? Susan?
Q: [flicking her hair coquettishly off of her forehead] When do I get an "exclusive at the ranch"?
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: Just you wait baby.
Q: Even though drilling in ANWR will make gasoline free isn't that a long way off? What are you going to do to make gasoline free now? And will the GDP numbers show we're in a recession?
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: Well things are tough on the people who aren't rich. But no body tells me anything so I don't know.
And ANWR is mid term so gasoline will be free soon! And we've done other stuff. We've increased CAFTA! [in thought bubble: "can you believe I'm taking credit for that?") I wish I had a magic wand.
Q: B-
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: Don't interrupt me. Now I'm more confused than usual. But I want to make people feel good and I want to drill in ANWR. Did I mention permanent tax cuts?
Q: Another softball. Ready? Is Jimmy Carter a traitor and is he just trying to undermine you so you don't win the Nobel Peace prize too?
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: Hamas are evildoers. And so are Syria. And Iran. And some other countries I can't pronounce. The problem is Hamas. [in thought bubble: "don't you worry. Jimmy'll be in Gitmo soon!"]
Q: But isn't Carter a traitor? Why didn't you stop him?
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: I don't talk to him. It's all Hamas's fault. You go to meetings with these people, which I don't by the way because they are evildoers, and they lie. Who do they think they are? I mean I supported the elections and then the damn Palestinians had to go an elect the evildoers. Why are they so ungrateful after all I have done to them? And there's going to be an agreement soon because I need a legacy.
Q: Congress is not going to pass exactly the 108 billion dollar spare change for Iraq act. What will you do?
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: 108! 108! 108! and not a penny more (or less). If they do something else it's all their fault, like everything else.
Q: Another softball. Ready? I'd like to give you an opportunity to tell the next President what they will need to do in order to continue to fuck up the country and the planet to the same order of magnitude as you. Go ahead.
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: You're right. They mustn't forget the Eternal Global War on Terra. America is under attack. Be afraid. And don't protect American jobs because American corporations need the money more than American citizens need their jobs! And remember God is on America#'s side; not anyone else's.
Q: Thank you.
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: You're looking hot.
Q: Thank you. You're trying to get me off, aren't you you sexy devil?
Q: Americans think the country is in a recession. Why are they wrong? Also do you know how to spell Zimbabwe?
CAPTAIN CODPIECE: It's just a word. So I want Americans to feel good and not worry and get out there and get stimulating. Buy a new TV. Don't worry about the mortgage payments. And no - I don't know how to spell Zimbabwe. I think it has an "i" in it and maybe an "s".
Have a nice day.
If you think I've taken liberties with the editing, and I have, and you wish to actually find out what he said the official White House probably-not-unedited transcript may be found here.
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