It depends on what the meaning of direct access is

This man (hereafter known as First Man) claims to have direct access to George Bush. Another man (hereafter known as Second Man) claims to have had direct access to First Man. First Man claims never to have allowed direct access to any man let alone Second Man. George Bush (Third Man?) could not be reached for comment as he was watching a DVD of La Cage aux Folles. Ken Mehlman is starting to feel like an extra man.

Things that make you go "hmm".

Help! There are homos destroying marriage and killing babies at Wal-Mart!

On Black Friday, if you're not too busy stimulating the Chinese economy, think about setting aside just a wee bit of your time to help save Wal-Mart. Now if you don't know why Wal-Mart needs saving you just haven't been paying attention but for those of you who don't know here's a primer:

On August 21, 2006, the National Gay & Lesbian Chamber of Commerce" (NGLCC) announced a "partnership" with Wal-Mart Stores, Inc.

Wal-Mart gave a one time $25,000 gift to join the NGLCC which leads efforts to abolish the definition of marriage - the union of one man and one woman.

Wal-Mart is now a "corporate member" of the NGLCC.

Wal-Mart will now prefer companies with lesbian, gay, bisexual or trangendered (sic) owners.

A Wal-Mart vice-president will serve as an advisor to the NGLCC

Wal-Mart will now sponsor (pay for) some programs of the NGLCC, including two conferences.

Wal-Mart now dispenses the "Plan B" abortion pill which makes them an accomplice to the killing of little boys and girls in the privacy of American homes.

Help save Wal-Mart for ordinary heterosexual, gun toting, God fearing Americans before it's too late!

This is taking organisation too far!

Look. I'm not the most organised person, right. I could stand with some improvement in that regard especially in my personal life. That doesn't mean that I have to take things this far does it?

Maybe the Christian right need a morning after pill after all!

It's happened to all of us. We go out for a good time and head down the pub where, after maybe one or two pints too many, we meet someone we think is nice, they seem to share our world view and promise to take of us. So we let them take us home.

Then in the cruel and early light of morning we discover that everything isn't quite at it seemed last night. (Was it the drink?) They aren't as attractive as they seemed. They smell just a little bit off - a curious mixture of sour milk and piss perhaps. They no longer seem to agree with our viewpoints and it doesn't seem like they have any interest in taking care of us. Whoever they are, they are lying in bed next to us smoking a fag with a cynical smile on their face. It is any wonder that we feel all dirty and used?

Of course not. It's just that evangelicals aren't as used to it as the rest of us are so it seems a far sight worse from where they're sitting. To make sure this doesn't happen to these nice people again I recommend that they continue sitting wherever it is they are now until at least a couple of days after the election. Trust me on this. Would I lie to you? (About this?)

It will be so much easier on all of us!

So if peace is green and chaos is red what colour is Iraq?

I'm pretty sure that Bush isn't colour blind. His folks sure seem to like their colour coded charts.

First it was the yellow / orange / red threat level. Today is an ORANGE day by the way but with the election on our doorstep that is sure to head towards red any moment now.

Now the New York Times has got a hold of a Pentagon chart documenting in living colour Iraq's descent into chaos. The situation is so bad that I, who is partially red / green colour blind, find it terrifying. It must be truly horrible for the fully colour sighted out there!

I think only Maxwell Smart can save us now!

Pas de la mode américaine

Just prove that we don't have to do everything the American way the House of Commons yesterday rejected a bid to reduce the upper limit on abortion from 24 to 21 weeks. This came despite considerable support for the measure from Ulster MPs who, as it happens, hail from somewhere one can't get an abortion at all!

"Hello girls"

I've no need of one myself of course but I am sure that there is a market for new Australian fashion product the "Wonderjock". And just so the wingnuts aren't embarrassed to buy one they are part of aussieBum's Patriot range of products.

Rush (I know you read me!) the ladies may not think you need Viagra if you wear one so if you're interested details may be found here.

Dildos held hostage

Terrorists in Israel have opened up a new front in the "war on terra" with the abduction of a treasure trove of sex toys from the car of "renowned sexologist" Shelly Pasternak. The pleasure chests that are missing contained no fewer than "40 vibrators, massage oils, a whip, (a) dildo, (a) blindfold, Chinese balls and handcuffs". Ms. Pasternak is thought to be distraught. As they say "innocence is the first victim of war".

The Israeli government has threatened to bomb Lebanon, the West Bank, the Gaza Strip and, for unknown reasons, Detroit back to the stone age unless the valuables are returned unharmed.

Le devant pour la libération de gnomes

Terrorists or freedom fighters. I leave it to you to decide.

(Note - Robin Cook's whereabouts for the period in question are unknown.)

Academic freedom in Iraq

The spate of assassinations of Iraqi academics continued yesterday with the execution of a dean of Baghdad University. Professors, university administrators and other academic professionals have been increasingly targeted in the ethnic violence that has brought chaos to much of Iraq.

I'm sure that the US government's explanation will be that whoever is responsible for these killings is an "enemy of freedom". In that vein does anyone know where David Horowitz was yesterday?

It's a good thing this guy wasn't around in Chaucer's time

It strikes me that this might prove to be seasonal work. Perhaps in the off season he could set up a "Hire-a-Hajji" franchise as well. Alternating between Fatima and Mecca might provide a nice variety of scenery.

It's always fun to watch....

...when capitalists turn on each other. Today the Forum of Private Business, an association of small and medium sized UK businesses, releases their ”Hall of Shame, a list of corporate bullies; i.e. major players who use their size and market share to impose conditions on their smaller suppliers that are unfavourable and anti-competitive.

And to think that I thought that was just the free market working properly!

I do have one question though. The list, which may be found here doesn't include Wal-Mart (or Asda as its subsidiary is known here). I'm sure they will try harder next year.

But just like England there's no one able to play on the left

With a bit of sophistry that would make John Madden proud (even without the Telestrator)Daniel Finkelstein of the Times explains to us why the invasion of Iraq was the right thing to do. Now Mr. Finkelstein is obviously much more intelligent I am and I cannot follow all of his reasoning but I think that the gist of his argument is that the war on Iraq was the right thing at the rignt time not because there were any legitimate justifications for an act of aggression but because the US were big favourites and likely to win. Even if you got 500-1 you wouldn't have put even a fiver on Iraq. I mean even if Ryan Giggs wasn't Welsh and could make space down their left wing Iraq wouldn't have stood a chance against America's up front pairing of Humvee and the appropriately named, if oddly spelt, Stryker (the name was probably changed at Ellis Island).

Clearly Mr. Finkelstien is the reincarnation of Damon Runyon.

Why a duck?

Why indeed! Over the past decade or so there has been an epidemic of Asian and African cities changing their names back from anglicised versions that they have been called since they were colonised back to more appropriate native language versions. It probably started when Peking was altered to Beijing and there have been innumerable other cases since. In most cases the old name rapidly withers away and is forgotten.

Except, for some reason, when an association with a duck keeps the old name alive. Ergo, even though Peking has been called Beijing for quite a number of years, Peking duck was never renamed keeps those memories alive. Likewise, even though it occurred more recently, Bombay would be forgotten and we would only think of Mumbai except for it's association with Bombay duck (actually a fish).

Pity poor Banglalore then for it is soon to be known asBengalooru and, as I know of no gastronomical delicacy named "Bangalore Duck", I imagine it will swiftly pass from our memories.

It's just like examining your own testicles

Well they are going to investigate themselves again. This time the US government is reported to have launched investigations into whether the US government acted to suppress statement and findings related to global warming at National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) and NASA. The director of NASA's Goddard Institute has already stated that the administration took measures to muzzle his public utterances.

I wait with bated breath.

Fringe party update

One of the real joys of living in the UK, especially around election time, is the plethora of smaller parties that a parliamentary system encourages. So given the near success the SNP & Plaid Cymru had the other day in attempting to force the government into opening an independent enquiry into the causes and execution of the invasion of Iraq I think this would time to have a look about to see what the smaller parties in Britain are up to.

Let's start with the UK Independence Party (UKIP). UKIP primary focus is on getting the UK out of Europe presumably by cutting the channel tunnel in two. Despite generally being seen as a one trick pony. They are not, however, frightened of taking controversial stands on other issues and they have demonstrated this only this week when, in the wake of the issuance of the Stern report, their leader, Nigel Farage, equated climate change science with witchcraft. Maybe he was just trying to get in the Halloween spirit.

On to the British National Party (BNP) - also known as the "Nazis who like to pretend they aren't Party". It is not unusual for columnists to endorse parties but it is rather rarer the other way around. This did not stop the head of the BNP, Nick Griffin, from endorsing the Daily Mail's loveable Melanie Phillips as capable of "rational, intelligent thought". Clearly Mr. Griffin has never read Ms. Phillips's column. (I should note that "Melanie Phillips"+islamophobe nets over 500 hits on Google!)

Elsewhere, in a move that is sure to yield results, George Galloway of the Respect Coalition has demanded that Tony Blair be held to account on Iraq. Those of you outside the UK who didn't have a chance to see Mr. Galloway dressing up as a cat on Celebrity Big Brother have missed a television classic.

Any survey of British politics would not be complete without the inclusion of the Ulster Unionist Party (UUP) and their charismatic leader the Rt. Rev. Ian Paisley. There are signs however that Dr. Paisley may be suffering from late onset dementia. The man who's website cheerfully informs us that the Pope is the Antichrist recently sat down to have tea with the head Catholic Church in Ireland. Undoubtedly they just had a wee chat about the projected outcome of the next Old Firm match. I'll bet the term "fenian" didn't come up once!

Last but not least we leave with news that an official of the Monster Raving Looney Party in North Kent has been sentenced to an eighteen month community service order for hitting his partner. This sort of thing would never have happened if only Screaming Lord Sutch were still alive!

Y2K and climate change - a false simile

Over the past few days, subsequent to the release on the Stern report, I have come across a number of situations where those who doubt the seriousness of the problems related to climate change have compared it to the so-called "millennium bug". These commentators suggest that global warming is all hype and that nothing bad will actually happen "just like the year 2000".

What occurred or failed to occur at midnight 31, December 1999 has no bearing on the case for or against climate change, or perhaps it does but only in juxtaposition to the argument that they are attempting to make.

The issues relating to IT systems and the year 2000 were very real indeed. I don't believe anyone tried to suggest that. There was a problem. The world took action (at considerable expense) and there was very little impact indeed. If action had not been taken the only thing in doubt is the scope of the disaster.

We should let the Y2K experience be a guide to us as what we can do when we put our minds to it and do not defer action because we do not wish the problems to be real.

The death of a terrorist

Nelson Mandela is a much better human being than I am (but I suspect you knew that already). He is capable of praising PW Botha now that he has died. I am not.

As far as I am concerned he was a terrorist. The fact that he died comfortably at home in the arms of his family does not make him materially different than other members of the larger terrorist community.

I would like to take the opportunity to use his death to remind us that governments CAN and DO commit acts of terrorism and that heads of state and heads of government CAN BE and ARE terrorists. Nationhood does not and cannot excuse terrorism and when governments commit or excuse acts of terror they do so in our names. It is our duty to ourselves and to humanity as a whole not to allow that to happen and to see to it that there are consequences if it does!

God has her own TV channel!

(Well at least the Vatican does.)

The Pope needs to have a talk with the Republicans or perhaps Maggie Thatcher. He doesn't seem to understand that the Vatican is a government and governments should never run anything that can be privatised.

The Holy See hasn't had much luck with the banking business in the past. Now it would seem that their troubles have broadened to include broadcasting. According to the Guardian

An unholy row has broken out at the Pope's television station, with accusations flying that it paid derisory salaries, imposed demeaning conditions, victimised women employees - and even tried to hold a staff meeting to find out if some were virgins.

I didn't know that they had a TV station of their own but now that I do I have some programming suggestions.

• Big Brother's Big Brother - this will be very much like the Big Brother you know and love (or hate as the case may be) with the exception that all the contestants will be priests and nuns and instead of being voted off the show the unfortunate losers get sent to hell. The winner gets an all expense paid trip to Benidorm and, of course, an eternity at the right hand of God. As you would expect the diary room will be staffed by God herself.
• God's Hospital - similar to the Beeb's City Hospital but will actually host the world's first live virgin birth. Highlights of the virgin conception would be available only on pay per view.
• Saved - just like Lost except...well I'm sure you get the idea
• I'm a Celibate Get Me Out of Here - lovable Geordies Ant & Dec treat a selection of priests to lapping dancing, sex chat websites, porn movies and gay weddings. The winner, gets a fortnight's holiday in that modern Gomorrah, San Francisco.

Somewhere Joe McCarthy is spinning in his grave

I'm not sure how I've missed this. Will Vermont elect an unrepentant socialist to the Senate in the form of Bernie Sanders? Why are the wing nuts not swinging from the rafters screaming about the collapse of western civilisation and Christian America? (Well they are doing that, of course, but they don't seem to mention this aspect of it!)

I guess they just don't care about a state with a French name! Where that leaves Louisiana I don't know although based on their Katrina performance I could venture a guess.

Tony and his big brother George

The desire of Tony Blair to emulate the behaviour of big brother George Bush seemingly knows no bounds. Just like your average five year old boy (maybe he’s learning from Leo) he wants to goes everywhere George goes and do everything he does. When they get together down at the ranch little brother Tony even likes to try and walk just like George. So we shouldn't be surprised with the news that ministers seem determined to circumvent the prohibitions on torture currently enshrined in British and international law.

The government hopes to overturn a European court of human rights decision which barred them from deporting a Sikh activist suspected of terrorist connections, Karamijit Chahal, to India on the grounds that he risked being tortured. At the time home secretary John Reid described the decision as "outrageously imbalanced".

What's next I wonder?

All Wingnuts! All the Time!

Do you waste countless hours scouring the internet searching out the latest ravings of the misguided few? Do you waste precious search time looking for the latest from our friends on the far, far right? Now none of that is necessary. Human Events online is proud to announce the launching of their new service Rightometer a digest of the "best" of the right wing blogs! At the simple click of the mouse you will now be able to find the finest punditry that the planet has to offer.

Here are some of today's treasured moments:

• Robert B. Bluey works in base nineteen (which is apparently an important number in Islam
• Michael Burns explains why divorce is bad.
• Mark Tapscott wonders "where is the right wing press"?
• Much, much more

So mosey on over and say howdy because it's a lonely job slaving away at a keyboard in your PJs in the defence of freedom!

Chastity belts for Jenna and not-Jenna!

Who do you think explained the "facts of life" to the Bush twins? Laura? George? Julio the pool boy? Maybe no one's told them yet!

I guess it doesn't really matter because if the Bush administration has their way they won't be getting any anytime soon.

Maybe this is all just satire and it's been too subtle for me to pick up all along. After all it is the Bush administration who seems to be against sex and have picked a man by the name of Wade Horn to explain it to us. It could be worse. They could have picked someone named Mike Hunt instead.

This isn't really about abortion

The Susan B Anthony List, an anti-abortion organisation is putting together a "get out the vote" campaign in what it views as critical Senate campaigns. For some reason it has targeted the Pennsylvania race where both candidates are opposed to abortion. Why have they picked this race? I can't find any sensible explanation on the website (but then I am having a difficult time finding anything sensible on the website.) I only know it isn't about abortion! Maybe Bob Casey needs to come out against bestiality or move to Virginia.

I wonder what this means for your hair (I haven't got any!)

There is a crisis in British hairdressing. If we don't act now it is entirely possible that there will be no one to cut our hair in a few year's time. Thousands of hairdressers, nearly half the UK total, are suffering from "a debilitating and career-threatening skin disease brought about by the chemicals" they put on your head. The condition is dermatitis, which can "cause hairdressers' skin to redden, swell, blister, flake, crack and itch" according to Geoffrey Theobald, chairman of the Local Authorities' Coordinators of Regulatory Services. To me this just sounds like the results of a fortnight in Spain for the average twenty-something English woman.

Definitely maybe

"Not now" - maybe later. Tony Blair's reaction to calls for a commission of enquiry on the Iraq war after he narrowly escaped the House of Commons vote last night are not surprising.

I think what he really means is "not while I'm Prime Minister"!

"Global warming a fiction - use more oil" says OPEC

We should not be surprised at OPEC's reaction to the Stern Report on climate change. It is not, after all, dissimilar to the reaction a heroin distributorwould have to a report on the dangers of addiction to opiates.

Faint mae'n gostio i barcio yma?

No - I can't pronounce it either but if you are thinking of going to Llanberis you might want to learn. It could get you a 50% discount on parking!

Help with pronunciation might be forthcoming from this site although I think their section on "other strange combinations" should really apply to the entire language!

While we are on Welsh how did a language hasn't got a letter "J" end up with so many Joneses?

Feed the cows!

Courtesy of Andrew Brown a picture of the recycling cows of Lewisham!

Amis on America

I am generally of two minds about Martin Amis. While he is clearly a very talented writer there are times when he seems misogynist and even racist. Nonetheless I thought I should share, without comment, this passage from his novel London Fields.

For some time now I have thought it possible to believe that America was going insane. In her own way. And why not?

Countries go insane like people go insane; and all over the world countries reclined on couches or sat in darkened rooms chewing dihydrocodeine and Temazepam or lay in boiling baths or twisted in straitjackets or stood there banging their heads against the padded walls. Some had been insane all of their lives, and some had gone insane and then gotten better again and then gone insane again. America: America had had her neuroses before, like when she tried giving up drink, like when she started finding enemies within, like when she thought she could rule the world; but she had always gotten better again. But now she was going insane, and that was the necessary condition.

In a way she was never like anywhere else. Most places just are something, but America had to mean something too, hence her vulnerability – to make-believe, to false memory, false destiny. And finally it looked as though the riveting struggle with illusion was over, and America had lost.