Come the revolution

HAPPY MAY DAY!

About this quantitive easing thing....

...if HM's government has cranked up the printing presses how come one still can't find a reasonably new fiver for love nor money?

I'm just asking.

Note: I may or may not have spent several minutes trying to get a ticket machine to take an ancient and revered five pound note this morning before re-queuing for the machine that would actually take debit cards....

Because the internet is there to help...

...Google Maps is happy to provide a H1N1 Swine Flu Map; although they do seem to have forgotten New Zealand.

Note to Israelis: this is also known as a Mexican Flu map so you don't have to mention the S***E!

I don't think the Mexicans are going to like this

According to Israel's Deputy Health Minister Yakov Litzman, a member of fundamentalist United Torah Judaism party, no one in Israel we be allowed to contract or die of the Swine Flu. All Israeli citizens will have to contract or die of the lesser known "Mexican Flu" instead. Well at least this pandemic didn't happen during Passover!

Note: I can just imagine hordes of American wing nuts heaping scorn and worse on any Muslim who might have made the same declaration. I wait with bated breath....

Shooting fish in a barrel

Over at Global Politician one Professor Barry Rubin tries to demonstrate his in depth knowledge of the Middle East by dissecting an argument made by a "young man" about that critical Middle Eastern country, Afghanistan; a country separated from the "Middle East" by hundreds of miles, if not more.

Perhaps there is a God....

...as Newt Gingrich, serial divorcer and general scumbag, considers seeking the Republi-con Presidential nomination next time around. Should he run I confess I am conflicted as to whether Mr. Gingrich or Ms. Palin might do the party more damage. Perhaps she would settle for second fiddle again.

Going, going, gone

The great Phillies broadcaster, Harry Kallas, is dead at 73.

Why do Americans hate America

They want cap and trade, gays in the military and the end to the senseless embargo of Cuba. Thank God America's not a democracy or some of these terrible things might actually happen!

Isn't it ironic, don't you think?

It certainly wasn't in the Alanis Morissette song but it certainly seems to be in real life. An assistant bank manager in Scotland has been jailed for a little over a year for stealing £31,000 from customer accounts. In today's environment this seems rather curious. Perhaps her real crime was stealing ONLY £31,000. Had she stolen £31,000,000 or better yet £31,000,000,000 she probably would have been made a Dame!

I guess that Carol Barclay will have to accept her fifteen minutes of fame coming from the fact that she will almost certainly be the only HBOS employee to be punished for stealing money from taxpayers.

The green shoots of recovery!

There is a shoe shop in Bromley that has, for roughly the past 24 months, been advertising its "Going Out Of Business Sale". This evening on the way home I noticed that the large placards have been taken down and they are advertising their new "spring range"; possibly circa 2007.

Has anyone seen Rush Limbaugh?

Ten beached whales have been refloated off the west coast of Oz.

Sad, sad, sad

Nicholas Hughes, the only son of the poets Ted Hughes and Sylvia Plath, has committed suicide in London. His mother famously committed suicide when Nicholas and his sister Freida were both infants.

All singing, all dancing!

Should you be in Beijing soon you really must make an effort to see Das Kapital - The Musical. I shit you not.

They will be heroes

Today is the 175th anniversary of the sentencing of the Tolpuddle Martyrs for having the temerity to form an insidious trade union. Thank God that can never happen today!

Strange enough to be true

The Daily Mash imagines some advice from Il Papa to the residents of Africa on safe sex.

All hail Honkball

The Dutch have beaten the Dominicans at baseball. No word if they might have slipped the Latino side a few space cakes before the match!

Murder Inc - "I'm a Big" Dick Cheney style

Investigative reporter extraordinaire, Sy Hersh, tells us that former US Vice President "I'm a Big" Dick Cheney was running a hit squad out of his office. One can only hope that if America won't prosecute this scum bag, and lock him away for the rest of his (un)natural life, that he will eventually make the mistake of leaving the country and a true democracy will do it for us!

Nancy Reagan...

...baby killer. Who'd have thunk it, eh?

BREAKING NEWS!!!!

Noted American evangelist Billy Graham defines Christianity as a cult! I quote:

"One characteristic of cults is that they strongly believe they alone are right in their beliefs and everyone else is wrong"

I find the fact that he then goes on, in the very same paragraph, to suggest that this seemingly does not apply to Christianity ("thus they reject the central truths of the Bible that Christians have held in common for almost 2,000 years and substitute their own beliefs for the clear teaching of Scripture") I assume to be untended but hilarious irony!

Why the Pope and all his evil minions are going to Hell

A nine year old Brazilian girl was raped and fell pregnant. She had an abortion on Wednesday. All of the medical staff who assisted in the termination are about to be ex-communicated for their part in this heinous act. The rapist however is undoubtedly still allowed to receive communion.

My day so far

Before 0405 - wake up

0405 - look at clock and realise it is 0405

0425 - give up battle to return to sleep

0425 to 0630 - shower, eat, drink coffee, write emails, do some work

0630 - depart for Bromley South

0652 - arrive Bromley South - notice that ALL TRAINS are delayed or cancelled due to "very severe weather conditions in Kent" (this means it got a bit chilly last night)

0659 - my 0704 train to Ramsgate is cancelled but 0736 train to Canterbury West is listed as "on time"

0731 - 0736 train apparently goes missing and is listed as delayed

0736 - 0830 - wait outside the barriers, occasionally popping off for a double espresso, whilst getting buffeted around for 3,127 commuters who, despite the rucksacks strapped to their backs, the kit bags over their shoulder or their hand bags the size of Luxembourg, naively fail to realise that they take up more space their body without the luggage.

0831 - just before going through barriers hear the following announcement: "the train now standing on platform 1 is the 0614 Blackfriar's service.

0832 - share chuckle with woman standing next to me

0842 - board marginally delayed 0736 Canterbury West train

0944 - arrive Lenham where all evidence of "very severe weather" has magically vanished and it is a lovely sunny spring morning.

0958 - arrive work and warn colleagues that today is not a day to fuck with me.

0958 - 1718 - work (it doesn't go very well)

1908 - arrive at the Partridge and begin consuming London Pride. This will continue until morale improves (or chucking out time arrives)

I thought that you should know.

What is 8.426149773176359....

...and the other joys of Square Root Day.

Hint: the answer is the 20th prime number.

Happy birthday Dr. Seuss

He would have been 105 today. He is the source of many fond memories from my childhood!

They see them here, they see them there, they see them everywhere!

Socialists. Socialists. Socialists. Socialists. Socialists. And I could go on and on and on but all of this reminds me of a song....

What a shame Bush 41 didn't do this to Bush 43 when he was a kid, eh?

I can only imagine that there are hordes of right wingers out there in America scorning the fact that one Hugh Spencer didn't let his 13 year old son Evan play a violent World War II based video game until he had read the Geneva Conventions. Not only that he had to abide by them when he played undoubtedly meaning he never wins.

Meanwhile on this side of the Great Water...

...those dangerous and evil lefties at the Guardian have hired some real scientists to write about real science once a week or so. Now surely that can't a good idea, can it?

I can hardly wait for Mad Mel to weigh in.

Only Jesus can save those Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys now!

Without further ado I direct you to PrayforFrance.org. One can never be certain these days but I don't think this is a piss take.

Come the revolution...

Oh the hubris! A group of wealthy, probably obscenely rich, American is suing Swiss Bank UBS from turning over their names to the US Internal Revenue Service as part of an investigation of possible, one might say probable, tax evasion on the part of these unnamed Yanks.

The list grows longer; even if I have to leave their actual names off of it for the moment.

He's also not giving back Checkers

Disgraced, but not impoverished, former RBS chairman "Alright! Said" Sir Fred Goodwin is refusing to return one red cent of the £16,000,000 pension pot he clearly didn't earn during his 10 year stint at the helm of the now foundering, if not grounded, bank.

This means that over the decade he "worked" at RBS the company put in roughly £133,000 a month; approximately the annual salary of about five of the bank's frontline workers. Should Sir Fred suddenly discover his honour, an admittedly unlikely event, and return his ill-gotten gain perhaps the bank could use the funds to keep about 600 of the 20,000 RBS workers about to get the sack in employment for an extra year. Or maybe not.

All right said Sir Fred

I'm doing something wrong. I'm obviously not incompetent enough. This cunt works for ten years at RBS, drives into nationalisation and at the age of 50, younger than me, ends up with a £16,000,000+ pension pot returning him £650,000 a year!

"A spectre is haunting Europe..."

Wingnuts beware. Today is the 161st anniversary of the publication of the Communist Manifesto. Undoubtedly that fifth columnist in the White House has some private secret celebration planned.

You will note that the good folks at The Spectator seem to have cropped the words "fifth columnist" from the article as written by pre-eminent right wing nut case Melanie Phillips but, once again, they have been found out by Google cache!

Come the revolution

Ameica and the world may look to McDonalds corporation to provide tasteless and expensive meals oozing with saturated fat, sugar and salt but, in Little Rock AR at least, don't look for them to provide for their minimum wage employees as they have denied worker's compensation to former employee Nigel Haskett after he was shot by a patron who he ejected after he abused a women in the store. Apparently the job description doesn't stretch to human decency.

Today in "you gotta be fucking kidding me"

Former British Premier St. Tony Blair has won a prestigious $1,000,000 dollar prize for global leadership. I am certain the fact that it is awarded by a university in Tel Aviv will do wonders for his status as an honest broker in the Middle East.

Well, at least we're fucking rid of him!

If Mick says it it must be true!

Without actually explaining why radical Christian (but cuddly) Christian conservative Mick Huckabee claims that the American stimulus package is "anti-religious".

I assume he doesn't actually mean "anti-religious" but rather "anti-my-peculiar-brand-of-right-wing-fundamentalist-protestant-Christianity".

In praise of the great state of Arkansas

As the state legislature brings new meaning to the old phrase "Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition"!

Dear Mr. Rodriguez

I don't really care what you think as far as I am concerned cheating and drug abuse is far worse than stalking. Surely it's time you grew up.

And I certainly hope that you plan to personally reimburse every young man or woman, under the age of 18 say, who bought one of your shirts (or shoes or whatever), under the false pretense that you were playing by the rules. Perhaps someone should initiate a class action suit.

And he's not even a banker

Chelsea FC have sacked Luiz Philipe Scolari and as reliable news source The Daily Mash notes he as once again displayed his tactical brilliance by banking £15,000,000 for a mere seven months work. I think his performance is superior to even that of those bastards are Merrill Lynch.

In praise of the efficiency of Michael Steele

The new Republi-con National Chairman has managed, in one simple visit to George Stephanopoulos on a Sunday morning, to increase the US unemployment rate to somewhere about 25-30% as he brazenly announces that government jobs aren't jobs at all. I certainly hope that the good people of the great state of Maryland invoice this upstanding American for the somewhere around $500,000 he didn't earn as the Lieutenant Governor of Maryland as, after all, it wasn't a job.

He may be black but there is no doubt of his authenticity as a Republi-con, now is there?

Weather report

You know those miserable, dark, torrential downpours lovers are always running through in old war films based in London? We've been having one all day and it's fucking miserable.

Come the revolution...

I'm not sure what the point of this NY Times article is meant to be but I am absolutely certain that people who are making (well) in excess of $1,000,000 a year but have virtually no funds available at the end of their year, who are therefore living pay cheque to pay cheque, ARE INCAPABLE OF MANAGING THE PUBLIC'S MONEY and therefore we won't be needing them in their $3,000,000 or, if the President has his way, $500,000 a year jobs. I'm sure that they will enjoy their live on the dole.

A message to all Italian women (and Italian men with a conscience)

I certainly hope that any of you who may have been so foolhardy as to vote for your current President, Silvio Berlusconi, will consider his comments as regards Eluana Englaro and demand his immediate resignation. Ms. Englaro has been in a vegetative state for over 16 years and her father has finally won a protracted court battle to allow her force feeding to be discontinued; thereby allowing his daughter to die with some dignity. Sr. Berlusconi has seen fit to pander to the Vatican, despite over 75% of the Italian population believing that she should be allowed to die, and has issued a fiat demanding that the order of the Italian Supreme Court not be honoured. The Italian President, Giorgio Napolitano, has refused to sign this imperial decree but Berlusconi is attempting to have the Italian Parliament ratify and nullify the court order.

However my outrage is not at Mr. Belusconi's blatant attempts to seize imperial power in Italy and go against the order of the court and the will of the electorate in order to placate Il Papa. My own position is in opposition to his. My outrage is at his comments to the effect that Ms. Englaro, despite having been in a coma for over 16 years, is "in the condition to have babies". Clearly any politician who holds the female citizens in such low esteem that he considers them little more than equipment for breeding deserves immediate retirement; and a shameful retirement at that.

I certainly hope that the women of Italy agree and see to it that he must leave his office; immediately and in disgrace.

So this would be the farce bit

Karl Marx (am I allowed to say his name as an American?) once famously said that "history repeats itself, first as tragedy, second as farce".

With that reminder I bring you the news that not-Joe the non-plumber now seems to have a job as a non-adviser to the Republi-cons. It just doesn't get any better than this...

The land of the free....

...except perhaps in Texas.

Jesus wants you to buy a Ford!

Is this who the salesman is going to see when he says he has to talk over his offer with his manager?

Just not good enough

Former ex-Roman Catholic Bishop Richard Williamson who denies that the holocaust occurred has "agreed" to examine the evidence to see if there just might have been a few Jews, gypsies, homosexuals or communists killed by the Nazis and their allies before and during the Second World War. It would seem that former ex-Bishop Williamson wants to give this effort due diligence and has indicated that this will take some time.

I can only assume that until he gets his finger out ex-Hitler Youth member his Holiness and sole representative of (at least one of may) God(s) on Earth Pope Benedict XVI will re-excommunicate the former ex-Bishop.

I wait with bated breath.

And grown men wept

Presented without comment a poem written by an American soldier after he returned from Iraq and before he killed himself; submitted by his father. There's a link to more for those with the stomach for it.

Terrorist fifth columnists expose themselves in Washington

US Representative Pete Sessions (Republicon-TX) admits that his party views the Taliban as role models.

If you're of certain age, like me, and...

...grew up around Philadelphia you will probably watch this video and think Horn & Hardart. And you would be right.

Hey Gone-zo - don't throw your shoulder out

Disgraced, and possibly still unemployed, former US Attorney General Alberto "Gone-zo" Gonzales has decided that he did a heck of a good job whilst running the US Justice Department AND repeatedly breaking the law. He better be careful; it is possible to do serious damage to yourself whilst patting yourself on the your back.

The end of an American dream

World renowned football star David "Golden Balls" Beckham has announced that he fancies a move from third rate US "soccer" team the LA Galaxy to better known and, well, better AC Milan after his loving spouse Posh determines that the Milanese shopping is acceptable.

Ex-VP lauds effeciency of Obama administration

Former VP "I'm a Big" Dick Cheney is effusive in his praise of the new Democratic administration as he claims that in a mere 15 days they have endangered all Americans and made it almost certain that Islamofacistragheadbrownpeople (and possibly Democrats) will attack America with a chaotic mix of nuclear weapons, anthrax and box cutters.

What a cunt. Now if he would only disappear quietly into the slime from which he emerged, eh.

Come the revolution...

...one Mr. James F. Reda must surely be high on the list. Mr. Reda is an "executive pay consultant" and his reaction to the pay cap mooted by President Obama for those starving fat cats running taxpayer financed banks in the US is the following:

“That is pretty draconian — $500,000 is not a lot of money, particularly if there is no bonus”

Well if Mr. Reda smokes I will be happy to provide him with a last cigarette.

And if you think $500,000 per annum is "draconian" he ought to have a look at the pay packet of American living in the real world; assuming said American is getting a pay packet at all anymore.

I, for one, am not all that sympathetic

In the middle of a recession a federal judge from Connecticut is resigning because he can't seem to get by on his salary of $169,300; an income that, without any additions and I'm sure he has some, puts him well within the top 5%. Of course, he is a Republican!

It must be God's fault!

The Vatican has admitted to "management errors" in its decision to reinstate noted anti-Judaic Catholic priest Richard Williamson. And, given that God surely sits on the board of the Roman Catholic Church, surely She must be held to account.

In memorium

Today is the 50th anniversary of the Day the Music Died.

Today in Schadenfreude

The independent(?) and democratic(?) nation of Iraq has decided that it doesn't want Blackwater's mercenaries hanging about anymore. Who's going to guard the soldiers now?

A great man passes

Fellow Pennsylvanian and chronicler of the Poconos (who didn't want to be Rabbit at least for a minute) John Updike has has died at the age of 76. No Nobel for him now.

Auntie's spectacular own goal

By now I am certain that all of you are familiar with the unconscionable decision by the head of the BBC to refuse to air an appeal for donations to alleviate the suffering those in Gaza who are suffering in what is truly a humanitarian disaster. There are probably in excess of a half a million innocent civilians without water and power and certainly over a hundred thousand, probably more, who are without homes. The argument by BBC honchos is that they cannot seen to be taking sides in a political conflict; an argument that has never occurred to them before when they broadcast appeals for aid to Darfur and elsewhere.

There are at least two unanswered questions that demand a response;

As I write this I am listening to an interview on the BBC's own World Service between Mr. Thompson, head of the Beeb, and John Humphreys, one of Mr. Thompson's employees. Mr. Thompson admitted that there was incredible suffering in Gaza but that the BBC could not allow the appeal because the political situation is unsettled. Unfortunately the usually dogged Mr. Humphreys failed to follow up and demand an answer to the question why these hundreds of thousand of innocents are to be allowed to suffer because of politics.

The second, more dangerous question, that also must be answered is whether there was any contact between official Israeli government sources, official Hamas government sources or unofficial lobbyists on either side and any BBC officials before, during or after the time when this disgraceful decision was made.

I imagine that we will not know the answer to the later question for many years, if ever.

America's real entitlement problem

The (not very) eminent bad comedian and worse columnist Ben Stein has penned a column that seems to ask us to feel sorry for those who shouldn't have any expectation that anyone should feel sorry for them; especially in a nation that prides itself on "hard work" and "self reliance" (whatever meaning either of them have in modern America). Whilst he eventually extols the virtues of "saving" he seems to miss the basic problem entirely, especially in the case of his first example.

His first sob story relates to a woman that he "has known since she was a teenager" without noting how long that may have been. Her terrible story is that she is living in a "house", and I use the word reservedly, on which she has a 2,200,000 USD interest only mortgage with payments of about 12,000 USD a month. She is scrapping by on 20,000 USD graciously provided by her ex-husband (10K in the form of child support and 10K in alimony). Fortunately she seems to have a sugar daddy of some sort who helps out by picking up the credit card bills and other incidentals that her additional 8,000 a month doesn't seem to cover. She has a bit of a shop that Mr. Stein seems to describe as a hobby rather than an enterprise. Suddenly because the value of her "house" is falling and her alimony is running out she is suddenly worried about money. I don't know how long she has been sucking at the entitlement teat but she has clearly, for reasons not entirely clear, been living well beyond her means.

There are currently, and there will be many more, tragic victims of the economic crisis in America and across the world. This woman is clearly not one of them. I don't mean to sound hard and unfeeling but is there any other option in this case?

Mr. Stein's other worry seems to be case of his handsome, if irresponsible, son who seems to have gone and got himself married even though his only means of support seems to be his father.

I haven't even crocodile tears for these Americans who seem to feel that not only does America owe them a living (without working or working very hard) but it owes them a living and a lifestyle that very, very few of the planet's 6,000,000,000 human being can even dream of.

Come the revolution!

Meanwhile in cloud cuckoo land...

...we find lunatics making the case for privatising the issuance of currency.

Well this should resolve the Newton v Leibniz controversy once and for all!

An obscure prayer book auctioned off in London ten years ago would seem to indicate that Archimedes had discovered the core tenets of the Calculus over 2000 years ago. This news would have been discovered sooner if some medieval monk hadn't rubbed out most of the maths and scribbled prayers over it. It is not yet known whether said monk was indeed an ancestor of former American president George W. Bush.

Surely this must be covered by Intelligent Design!

These evolving sing robots developed by a researcher at Britain's University of Plymouth are just too cool!

The (nearly) Empress's Old Clothes

It seems that the extravagant wardrobe purchased for the extraordinary Sarah Palin by the Republicans during the campaign remain undonated to charity and languishing in bin liners in an RNC office somewhere. Of course the Republican escape clause is that they had said that "it was always the intent that the clothing go to a charitable purpose after the campaign". The Republican Party's slogan ought to be "We Aim to Please It's Just That Our Aim Is Lousy".

There is still no word as to the eventual last rest place of Todd Palin's silk pants.

Today's celebrity birthday

Roe v Wade is 36 today and I reckon it will make 40!

Exploding wing nut heads alert

I plan to sit back and watch as America's right-wing-nut community goes berserk over the completely accurate comments by UN special rapporteur on torture, Manfred Nowak, that US must investigate and prosecute George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld et al for crimes against humanity.

The United States has ratified the UN convention on torture which places an obligation of states to prosecute violations and the US Constitution defines ratified treaties as the highest law of the land.

One just has to love Microsoft, doesn't one?

Here I am at my desk at work, opening up a Word document, and at the bottom I get the following message:

100,005 characters (an approximate value)

I have been invited to rejoin the American community

Yesterday, possibly for the first time ever, President Obama acknowledged the existence of the non-believers as real Americans.

"For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and non-believers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace."

A bloody good start

Our new President has ordered a halt to the (illegal) tribunals at the Guantánamo Bay Beach and Leisure Resort.

Fair and balanced and insane

Faux News' Chris Wallace (his father must be so proud) opines that Barack Obama may not actually be President of the United States because Chief Justice John Roberts fucked up the oath of office.

Today in infamy

Thirty two years ago today I was pardoned by Jimmy Carter; an act for which I am forever grateful.

One word

My exile in Britain has often been lonely and antagonistic. I have often been called by friends and strangers alike to defend the actions of a country of which I am, and always will be a part, but with which I did not agree.

Today my exile was not longer lonely. I have had emails and phone calls from friends in Britain, Ireland, France,Germany, the Netherlands, Spain, Australia, Hong Kong, Egypt and Israel. I have finally had a chance to watch the new president's speech for myself.

The one word that was common to all of these contacts, and to my own teary eyed viewing of the speech, was "stirring".

If my and our new president can make America think of itself differently and the world to think of America differently isn't that simply enough.

I think so.

Auntie has a sense of humour!

I was watching the beginning of the Obama's speech at work on the BBC iPlayer (not available to those of you who do not live in this green and pleasant land). I needed to turn it up so that we all could hear.

I don't know if it is any louder than other embedded video players but the volume control goes all the way up to 11!

12:00 EDT - 20 January 2009

The end of an error!

That is all.

Credit where credit is due

Assuming that the story that yesterday's commutation of sentence for the two US Border Patrol ex-officers convicted of covering up the murder of a Mexican drug dealer are indeed the last of Captain Codpiece's acts of mercy I have to congratulate him on getting it just right. Unlike Bill Clinton's distasteful final flourish the Captain has been sparing and, thankfully, avoided the wholesale, pre-emptive pardons of his criminal cronies, including "I'm a Big" Dick Cheney and "Gone-zo" Gonzales, the rabid right wing has been trying to push him to making.

Even the fact that he commuted the sentences of the two ex-border guards, who had become poster children for the wing nut community, rather than pardoning their crime is, I believe, the right thing.

So let it never be said that I never complemented Captain Codpiece on anything; even though it had to wait for his ultimate day!

Jesus he's like so seventies man

Our Lord and Saviour along with his Mum have miraculously appeared in an Australian lava lamp. No word as to whether they were upside down.

I think I need to pay more attention to American football!

I confess my interest in the old gridiron sport has faded considerably in the sixteen years I've lived here even though I realise that de Iggles are doing rather well this year, even if unexpectedly so.

However I must confess that the following headline has reinvigorated my interest:

"The New York Jets And The Flaming Lesbian Catfight"

Some might call it torture

In fact some do! Now that at least one highly placed American official, Susan Crawford who is the convening authority of the (illegal) military commissions, has admitted that the US HAS tortured at least one of those illegally detained at Gitmo isn't it time for investigations and prosecutions? After all Captain Codpiece has gone on record to say that the "US doesn't torture" which must mean it is a crime, right?

Today in Palin-ville

The Guardian reads Ramb-ette's new biography so that no one else has to and sums it up in their "Digested Read" feature. My favourite paragraph?

"At school, Sarah stood out as one of the brightest children. "I could tell she would go far," remembers former geography teacher, George Bush. "She was the only one who could identify Iraqistan on a map." Sarah's potential was realised when she came seventh in the Wasilla Miss Congeniality competition in 1979"

Ah, it's good to be cool again

I'm just trying to catch up after a month's hiatus. I'm sure most of you will realise that I have spent the better part of the eight years trying my best not to sound American. This act of mine fooled precious few Londoners but lots of American tourists.

How, if the ultimate edition of The Observer for 2008 is to believed I need pretend no longer!

Finally we know!

The credit crunch is not the fault of greedy bankers as those capitalism hating Euro-socialists would have you believe. It is the fault of Bromley and Beckenham local hero David Bowie; or at least that is what The Daily Mirror would have us believe.

Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what your country can do TO you

In its eternal wisdom the US Department of Defence has seen fit to recall 50 year old Paul Bandel of Tennessee fifteen years after he left the Army and to deploy him to combat duty overseas.

Don't tread on him

A Las Vegas area woman has suddenly discovered an image of Jesus on a floor tile that she's had for eight years. Obviously this wasn't the tidiest kitchen in Nevada. It was on EBay for a while but has been temporarily withdrawn.

I think we should take him at his word

Ever courageous neo-con extraordinaire and nearly former US Ambassador to the United Nations John Bolton once again recommends military action by the US, or its regional surrogate Israel, against Iran.

Well I think it is time that we armed the great man with an assault rifle, strapped a couple of bandoliers over his chest, sprayed his mustache with Kevlar and dropped him somewhere over Tehran. After all he "accidentally" missed out on Vietnam and this could be his last chance.

Good luck John; we more or less wish you well.

Mystery in Miami

Thousands of shoes, of all varieties, suddenly appeared on the Palmetto Expressway in Miami yesterday with no apparent explanation. Rumours that Captain Codpiece had been seen fleeing down the highway pursued by a horde of Iraqi journalists shortly before the footwear appeared cannot be confirmed at this time.

R.I.P.

The Christmastime carnage continues as South African anti-apartheid activist Helen Suzman has passed away at the age of 91.