One of the questions I have always hated in job interviews, and which is not so omnipresent over here, is the "where do you want to be in ten years time". In that vein I thought that a little idle speculation as to where some of the recent casualties in (and of) American politics might end up in 2016 might be warranted.
1) Randall "Duke" Cunningham - the former Republican Congressman from California was sentenced in 2006 to a little over eight years in prison after pleading guilty to a litany of charges relating to his overzealous attempts to enhance his income whilst in Congress. He was released in 2012 after serving over six years of his sentence during which he overcame prostate cancer. During his time in the federal pen he became the leader of a group of radical white extortionists and blackmailers know as the Laundry Boys. He had his inmate number, 94405-198, tattooed on his penis (in a very, very small font). After his release from prison he returned to the San Diego and he now works in a Chinese restaurant where he buses tables and is also responsible for pricing the menu.
2) Jack Abramoff - the Republican lobbyist supremo turned supergrass managed to reduce his sentence for fraud and corruption of public officials to five years by ratting on anyone and everyone he had illicit dealings with. He began serving his sentence in late 2006 and was released in 2010. His first post-prison business venture, a kosher deli in Dearborn MI, was a failure after, in his haste to get started, he neglected to do sufficient research beforehand and his choice of location, adjacent to the Islamic Center of America proved to be unfortunate. He now works as a croupier in an Indian casino in Mississippi.
3) Mark Foley - shortly before the midterm elections in 2006 the then Republican Congressman was forced to resign his seat following revelations about sexually explicit emails and text messages he sent to male, teenage Congressional pages. Shortly after his resignation he announced that he had been sexual molested by a Roman Catholic priest as a teenager which caused him to become an alcoholic, a homosexual and a right wanker. He immediately checked into a rehab clinic where he remained until 2010. When he finally emerged from detox he entered a Christian programme which exorcised him of his homosexuality. Now completely straight and dry he is the wrestling coach for St. Mark's Catholic School for Wayward Young Men in Key West.
4) Jim Ryun - following his defeat in 2006 the conservative member of Congress from Kansas broke with the Republican Party accusing them of becoming "wussy liberals". Putting an end to his political career he decided to return to the athletics arena and took up coaching. This lasted three years until the US Track and Field Federation decertified him after he refused to coach several promising young middle distance runners with Hispanic surnames unless they could provide written documentation that they were "really American". He now runs a toxic waste dump outside Topeka and is rumoured to be drinking heavily.
5) Richard Pombo - during his six terms in the House of Representatives this Republican from California was a fierce opponent of all things environmental and a global warming denier. He became a lobbyist for and advisor to a number of multinational petrochemical companies; a career that earned him a significant salary until 2011. That year he was converted to the environmental cause after his palatial beach house in Malibu was washed away by rising sea levels. In a cruel twist of irony he had had a hand in cancelling the federal insurance programme that would have reimbursed him for his loss. He is now a sustenance farmer and radical environmentalist living somewhere in Montana.
6) Curt Weldon - the long term Republican Congressman was believed to have one of the safest seats in the House representing the prosperous suburbs of Philadelphia. Shortly before the election news of an FBI investigation into assistance that he may have provided to his daughter's lobbying firm became public and he was suddenly unemployed. He offered his services to Boeing Corporation with whom he had always had a cosy relationship. They asked him what he could do for them now and since the response was "bloody little" they failed to offer him a position.
1) Randall "Duke" Cunningham - the former Republican Congressman from California was sentenced in 2006 to a little over eight years in prison after pleading guilty to a litany of charges relating to his overzealous attempts to enhance his income whilst in Congress. He was released in 2012 after serving over six years of his sentence during which he overcame prostate cancer. During his time in the federal pen he became the leader of a group of radical white extortionists and blackmailers know as the Laundry Boys. He had his inmate number, 94405-198, tattooed on his penis (in a very, very small font). After his release from prison he returned to the San Diego and he now works in a Chinese restaurant where he buses tables and is also responsible for pricing the menu.
2) Jack Abramoff - the Republican lobbyist supremo turned supergrass managed to reduce his sentence for fraud and corruption of public officials to five years by ratting on anyone and everyone he had illicit dealings with. He began serving his sentence in late 2006 and was released in 2010. His first post-prison business venture, a kosher deli in Dearborn MI, was a failure after, in his haste to get started, he neglected to do sufficient research beforehand and his choice of location, adjacent to the Islamic Center of America proved to be unfortunate. He now works as a croupier in an Indian casino in Mississippi.
3) Mark Foley - shortly before the midterm elections in 2006 the then Republican Congressman was forced to resign his seat following revelations about sexually explicit emails and text messages he sent to male, teenage Congressional pages. Shortly after his resignation he announced that he had been sexual molested by a Roman Catholic priest as a teenager which caused him to become an alcoholic, a homosexual and a right wanker. He immediately checked into a rehab clinic where he remained until 2010. When he finally emerged from detox he entered a Christian programme which exorcised him of his homosexuality. Now completely straight and dry he is the wrestling coach for St. Mark's Catholic School for Wayward Young Men in Key West.
4) Jim Ryun - following his defeat in 2006 the conservative member of Congress from Kansas broke with the Republican Party accusing them of becoming "wussy liberals". Putting an end to his political career he decided to return to the athletics arena and took up coaching. This lasted three years until the US Track and Field Federation decertified him after he refused to coach several promising young middle distance runners with Hispanic surnames unless they could provide written documentation that they were "really American". He now runs a toxic waste dump outside Topeka and is rumoured to be drinking heavily.
5) Richard Pombo - during his six terms in the House of Representatives this Republican from California was a fierce opponent of all things environmental and a global warming denier. He became a lobbyist for and advisor to a number of multinational petrochemical companies; a career that earned him a significant salary until 2011. That year he was converted to the environmental cause after his palatial beach house in Malibu was washed away by rising sea levels. In a cruel twist of irony he had had a hand in cancelling the federal insurance programme that would have reimbursed him for his loss. He is now a sustenance farmer and radical environmentalist living somewhere in Montana.
6) Curt Weldon - the long term Republican Congressman was believed to have one of the safest seats in the House representing the prosperous suburbs of Philadelphia. Shortly before the election news of an FBI investigation into assistance that he may have provided to his daughter's lobbying firm became public and he was suddenly unemployed. He offered his services to Boeing Corporation with whom he had always had a cosy relationship. They asked him what he could do for them now and since the response was "bloody little" they failed to offer him a position.
From this point forward his life spiralled downwards and out of control. As his own position worsened his daughter had to plead guilty to federal racketeering charges and was sentenced to prison. Left without family support Weldon took to the streets of his native Marcus Hook relying on handouts from the volunteer fire company for food. They allowed him to set up a small tent behind the fire house where he lived for two and half years. He eventually emigrated to Russia where he is now an errand boy for a Russian crime syndicate.
7) James Talent - his Senate career was brief (elected to complete four years of a term in 2002) but stormy. He took strong anti-abortion and anti-stem cell research positions. His failed attempt to win a full term was due, in part, to efforts by actor Michael J. Fox, a sufferer from Parkinson's disease, to unseat him. After leaving the Senate he returned to teaching law for a few years before contracting Parkinson's himself. He is now in a nursing home and his wife and children have become vocal advocates for foetal stem cell research.
8) Rick Santorum - he never got to be the senior Senator from Pennsylvania losing his job, as his did, in 2006. After a brief career and unsuccessful career as a lobbyist he was commercially idle for some time. However once gay marriage was mandated in all 50 states by a US Supreme Court decision in 2009 he reinvented himself as an internet entrepreneur. His innovative website, Cani-date (TM), provided a meeting place for consenting adult male humans and dogs over the age of three. Here collie lovers would meet collies, sheepdog fanciers would meet sheepdogs and those who doted on daschunds would meet daschunds. As of 2016 he stands to net around 500 million USD from the sale of the site and the concept to MicrosoftGoogleMacintosh.
In a related story the suit filed against Santorum and his wife by their six children which asserted that "in twelve years of home schooling none of us learned a damn thing" has recently been settled out of court for a reported 500 million USD.
9) Ken Mehlman - the former Republican Party chairman left that post in 2007 after tiring of the rumours about his sexual preference that constantly swirled around him and dissatisfaction within the party over the 2006 election results which saw Democrats regain both house of Congress. To this day Mr. Mehlman has made no public statements as to his sexual preference. He currently runs an interior design business in Boca Raton with his business partner and roommate, the Brazilian born Reinaldo.
10) Donald Rumsfeld - sacked in 2006 from his post as the Secretary of Defence he went into semi-retirement before resurfacing as a professor of English literature and creative writing at Bob Jones University. His annual four week summer seminar "Poetry and its Role in Government" draws bureaucrats and high ranking civil servants from distant and diverse countries such as Zimbabwe, Indonesia, Burma, China and Equatorial Guinea.
11) Condoleezza Rice - Ms. Rice stuck it out with President Bush through his difficult final years resisting all the while calls for her to stand for the Presidency in her place. After leaving office she held a news conference where she announced her intention to have a sex change operation and to undergo a course of steroid treatment in order to fulfil her dream of playing in the National Football League. Renamed Conrad he made his debut for the Washington Redskins in 2011 (at the advanced age of fifty seven) playing right end. Unfortunately his football career was cut short as he liked to play so far to the right of the team's formation that he was only very rarely on the field of play. He is now the piano coach for the Chicago Bears and lectures on the cold war.
12) Dick Cheney - as of this writing the former Vice President is now seventy-one years old and confined to a hospital bed where he survives thanks to an artificial heart whilst he awaits yet another heart transplant. Since leaving office in 2008 Mr. Cheney has had four unsuccessful transplants. In what his doctors consider a medical oddity they are fairly certain that the hearts had rejected him rather than the other way around. 1.4 million registered organ donors have now signed a petition at Dontgivemyhearttoadick.org which demands that, in the event of their untimely death, none of their organs may be utilised to prolong the life of Dick Cheney and therefore the suffering all humanity.
One of the hearts which rejected Cheney was saved and was subsequently transported to Havana where it now beats happily in the chest of El Presidente Fidel Castro now aged 90.
13) Saddam Hussein - (I'll bet you weren't expecting to see him still about!) The former ruler of Iraq was convicted of crimes against humanity in 2006 and sentenced to death. His victorious appeal had claimed that since he had so many look alikes in his employ that there was no way to know "beyond a reasonable doubt which one actually committed these dastardly acts". He was released in early 2007. During his time in custody he became a huge fan of Reverend Pat Robertson after becoming addicted to watching CBN on satellite TV. Reverend Robertson personally oversaw Saddam's conversion to Christianity and also performed his baptism. In 2010 Saddam emigrated to the US where he opened a lobbying and consulting firm. His high profile clients include Halliburton, GE's Electric Boat Division and ExxonMobileTexacoTotalBPShell. He divides his time between a residence in Fairfax VA and one in Virginia Beach where he resides whilst he tapes his weekly call-in show for CBN, "Ask Uncle Saddam".
14) Tony Blair - Blair's career fell into a swift and irreversible decline during the later years of the Bush administration. Finally leaving 10 Downing Street to a relieved Gordon Brown (and to the relief of the British public) in 2007 he found that he was so closely associated with President Bush that he was unable to make a living on the rubber chicken circuit. Cherie divorced him in 2009 and went back to the full time practice of law. She later returned to Downing Street as the second wife of David Cameron in 2010. Following the divorce a devastated Tony tried to make a go of it in the UK for a few years but eventually emigrated to India in 2013. He now works in a Mumbai call centre handling enquiries for NHS Direct. He says he is very happy and still smiles a lot.
15) George Walker Bush - I saved the best for last. The final two years of his administration were, even when compared to the first six years of his rule, an unmitigated disaster. During that time Iran, Iraq, Saudi Arabia, Egypt, South Africa, Brazil, Argentina, Mexico, Canada and the Vatican all achieved nuclear weapons status. The 2007 military coup in Iraq brought the Baath party back into power to the considerable relief of most Iraqis after the failed experiment in American imposed democracy. With Saddam Hussein acting as the party's senior statesman Iraq quickly shook off the American yoke and rebuilt herself. Unfortunately they refused, along with Saudi Arabia, Iran, Nigeria, Venezuela, Mexico and Russia, to sell any crude oil to the US or any American company or agent. By early 2008 gasoline prices in the US reached $15 a gallon and the economy collapsed. The Republican Party held its 2012 convention in Jonestown, Guyana and it was sponsored by Kool-aid.
Following the end of his term he found that his father was no longer able or willing to sort out his problems so Bush 43 retired to his ranch (actually country estate) in Crawford where he quickly realised that clearing brush was not an economically viable occupation. He spent several difficult years unemployed and had to suffer the ignominy of Laura returning to work part time in the Crawford library. The library's only claim to fame is that it is the proud owner of both of the books that the ex-President had managed to finish; My Pet Goat and Thomas the Tank Engine.
Finally in 2014 he was released from this enforced idleness by the offer of a 5% share of the Durham Bulls baseball team. Under his contract with the AAA team he now earns 15,000 USD a year for donning the Bull mascot uniform and performing in the stands and on the field during the seventh inning stretch. There were fears that he might return to drinking after team sponsor José Cuervo Tequila started a promotion whereby the bull could win a free litre of Cuervo Gold if he could name the leaders of three countries on the radio during batting practice. The sponsors quickly found out that on the rare occasions where he got the answers to the first two questions correct all they had to do to prevent him winning the booze was to ask him who the current leader of the USA was as the final question. As he invariably answered "George W. Bush" he managed, much to Laura's relief, to remain dry.
In a final, tragic note the twin Bush daughters were expecting their Dad to do for them what his Dad had done for him (i.e. make sure they never actually had to work for a living) quickly found out that he was unable to continue with this long lasting Bush family tradition. Jenna is now a waitress at a Hooters in Houston and Barbara works a till at the Wal-Mart in Durham.
See you in 2026!
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