British Browns v Buccaneers preview

With the clash between the Premiership football sides owned by the owners of American football sides (Aston Villa v Man U for the uninitiated) having just kicked off I share with you the concerns of the Guardian’s Barney Ronay as to the potential impact that this injection of American football money will have on proper football:

Spike that pigskin

The standard football goal celebration is long overdue a makeover. Expect tearing your shirt off and making a shushing gesture to be replaced by the NFL standard mass Bill Cosby-style funky jive dancing, provocative "spiking" of the ball in the opposition six-yard box and a 30-stone centre-half in tight, shiny trousers doing the Bruce Grobbelaar spaghetti legs.

Soak the manager

The traditional handshake to be phased out in favour of sneaking up behind the gaffer and pouring an enormous tub of Lucozade Sport over his head, thereby ruining (a) his extremely expensive black cashmere overcoat; and (b) any chance of that improved contract offer.

Half-time spectacular

It's time for football to raise the light entertainment bar. The standard penalty-shoot-out-with-club-mascot-in-goal could easily be replaced by a 15-minute musical extravaganza starring Eminem, Barbra Streisand and Metallica, with at least one flesh-flashing "wardrobe malfunction" plus a heavy metal version of God Save The Queen. We can keep the raffle though.

Jazz up the roster

Having endured over a hundred years of professional football players with names like Alf, Gary and Keith, an injection of NFL exoticism can't come soon enough. Look forward to a future England XI made up of men called things like Chuck Tieclip and Jamal Johnson-Cheeseburger III.

Break it up a bit

Regularly exhausted by being made to concentrate for a whole 45 minutes, football supporters would welcome a US-style dumbing down into easy, bite-sized chunks. Expect to see Premiership games interrupted every two minutes by George Foreman trying to sell you his revolutionary fat-draining pasty-warmer.

Get some specialists in

Gridiron squads are all about specialisation: kicking teams, kicking return teams, Sunday afternoon at 3.42 with the wind from the south-west teams. Expect Premiership clubs to respond by employing a player whose sole job is to hoof the ball absolutely miles every 10 minutes while everyone else rushes after it. Although, those who saw Martin O'Neill's Leicester City may suspect he's already thought of this one. Barney Ronay