The White House has announced today, 1 April 2007, that following a secret visit to Guantánamo Bay Sports and Leisure Club, George W. Bush has decided to close the facility with immediate effect. Saying that the camp was full of "really nice guys who are not the evil-doers that I had been led to believe" President Bush expressed his deep regret that it had taken him to realise his mistake. According to unnamed sources at the Pentagon the current inmates will go through an accelerated process that is intended to prepare them for life in the outside world. Following this period, expected to last about six weeks, those being released will be flown first class to Crawford Texas where they will join the First Family for a Memorial Day cook out. One of the Bush twins, no one is quite sure which one, said that she and her sister were looking forward to seeing what a "Muslim man looks like up close".
After the holiday event the releasees will be repatriated to their home countries. Although details have not been finalised reliable sources say that the men will be compensated for their time serving at the pleasure of the President and that the packages will include "homes, cars, IPods and some surprises from Victoria's Secret".
The Decider in Chief is said to be so distraught over what he is terming his "third or fourth biggest mistake" that he plans to commission a Guantánamo Internees Memorial in the nation's capital. The Memorial would consist of a statue guardian full of likenesses of young virgins and the centrepiece would be a larger than life tableau that would feature three detainees (one hooded and shackled, one being water-boarded and one being forced to eat bacon) with a kneeling Bush at their feet begging for forgiveness.
In related news negotiations between the US Defense Department and Fox in which the now redundant facility would be leased to the television network are said to be advanced. Fox plans to use the camp as is to film a new reality series tentatively entitled "Surviving Gitmo: Big Brother and the War on Terra". Unnamed members of the Murdoch household indicated that plans for the show include having citizens of Islamic countries as diverse as Kosovo, Iraq, Iran, Bangladesh and Indonesia would be signed up as "volunteers" by their families, unbeknownst to them, and then would be "extraordinarily rendered" by a employees of a Fox subcontractor, rumoured to be Blackwater USA, to the set on Cuba.
American contestants would act as their guards and would be set interrogation tasks that would involve "cruel, inhuman and demeaning treatment all in the best possible taste". Other details of the show's format remain to be finalised although Bill O'Reilly is believed to head the short list to be compere of the proposed show.
After the holiday event the releasees will be repatriated to their home countries. Although details have not been finalised reliable sources say that the men will be compensated for their time serving at the pleasure of the President and that the packages will include "homes, cars, IPods and some surprises from Victoria's Secret".
The Decider in Chief is said to be so distraught over what he is terming his "third or fourth biggest mistake" that he plans to commission a Guantánamo Internees Memorial in the nation's capital. The Memorial would consist of a statue guardian full of likenesses of young virgins and the centrepiece would be a larger than life tableau that would feature three detainees (one hooded and shackled, one being water-boarded and one being forced to eat bacon) with a kneeling Bush at their feet begging for forgiveness.
In related news negotiations between the US Defense Department and Fox in which the now redundant facility would be leased to the television network are said to be advanced. Fox plans to use the camp as is to film a new reality series tentatively entitled "Surviving Gitmo: Big Brother and the War on Terra". Unnamed members of the Murdoch household indicated that plans for the show include having citizens of Islamic countries as diverse as Kosovo, Iraq, Iran, Bangladesh and Indonesia would be signed up as "volunteers" by their families, unbeknownst to them, and then would be "extraordinarily rendered" by a employees of a Fox subcontractor, rumoured to be Blackwater USA, to the set on Cuba.
American contestants would act as their guards and would be set interrogation tasks that would involve "cruel, inhuman and demeaning treatment all in the best possible taste". Other details of the show's format remain to be finalised although Bill O'Reilly is believed to head the short list to be compere of the proposed show.
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