Saint Tom the Divine

There are important things are brewing in the hallowed halls of Scientology. The "church" has discovered a new saviour in the "Chosen One". This divine and blessed being is currently on Earth in the form of none other than vertically challenged Hollywood giga-star Tom Cruise. He has been told by church big wigs that he is their Christ-like figure destined to go forth and convert the world. I have seen signs of this proselytising spirit already as there have been groups of the wacky, I mean holy, Scientologists on Bromley High Street recently offering their famous free stress test and selling sacred tracts by L. Ron Hubbard.

I have so many questions I really don't know where to start.

• Does this mean his Cruiseness is the son of God or the son of Hubbard?
• Was his mum a virgin?
• Is his wife a virgin?
• Is his child the son of the son of God (or Hubbard)?
• Where does this leave poor Nicole as the jilted ex-lover of his Divineness?
• Will Tom be crucified (other than figuratively in the reviews of his films)?
• Will Tom be resurrected after he dies and come back to make an endless stream of Mission Impossible sequels?
• Will there be Churches of Scientology named after him?
• Will there be an order of Scientologist priests or nuns named after him? The Tomites? The Cruisians?
• Is he the patron saint of shortness?
• Is there already a factory somewhere in China already producing little plastic images of The Chosen One ready to be mounted on the dashboards of the official Scientologist fleet?
• Will he eliminate mental illness, perhaps starting with post-partum depression?
• Will Brooke Shields now have to apologise to him?
• Should I sell my pharmaceutical stocks before the word gets out?
• Am I too tall to be a Scientologist now?
• Will he run for President? If so will he do better or worse than Bush? (This is a very, very tough call!)
• Has his elevation improved young Katie's orgasms, assuming she is not a virgin (see above)?
• Et cetera, et cetera, ad nauseum.