The Mills tapes

Paul McCartney's estranged wife (or is she an ex-wife? I haven't been keeping track) Heather Mills is in trouble with the Old Bill for abused the abusing the 999 emergency number by making frequent, non-emergency calls. Fortunately and as a public service I have been able to get my hands on tapes of these calls and will provide them to you solely for your edification.

Call 1 - 0742 Monday

Operator: "Emergency services. Which service do you require?"

Caller: "There's a man outside my flat-"

Operator: "Please calm down madam. Which service do you require?"

Caller: "This is Mrs. Paul McCartney damn it. There's a man outside my flat with a phone-"

Operator: "One moment madam. I'll put you through to the police."

Hold music: "Let me take you down, 'cos I'm going to Strawberry Fields
Nothing is real, and nothing to get hungabout
Strawberry Fields forever
Strawberry Fields forever
Strawberry Fields forever"

Police operator: "Metropolitan Police. This is PC Lennon. How may I help?"

Caller: "There's a man outside my flat with a mobile phone. I think he's taking pictures. He even looked up at my window a moment ago."

PC Lennon: "Madam could you please state the nature of your emergency?"

Caller: "For heaven's sake you twit. I said there's a man outside my flat with a mobile phone! What don't you understand?"

Line goes dead.

Call 2 - 0748 Monday

Operator: "Emergency services. Which service do you require?"

Caller: "I rang six minutes ago about a man outside my flat and the bloody coppers aren't here yet-"

Operator: "Please calm down madam. I am only an operator I need to know the emergency service that you require."

Caller: "Listen you bitch. What don't you underst-"

Line goes dead.

Call 3 - 0750 Monday

Operator: "Hello Ms. Mills. I'll just put your through to the police."

Caller: (muttering) "About damn time they treated me with the respect I deserved. Don't they know I'm disabled?"

Hold music: "Send me a postcard, drop me a line,
Stating point of view
Indicate precisely what you mean to say
Yours sincerely, wasting away

Give me your answer, fill in a form
Mine for evermore
Will you still need me, will you still feed me,
When I'm sixty-four?"

PC Harrison: "This is PC Harrison. Please state the nature of the emergency."

Caller: "Lennon, Harrison! What the fuck is this?"

PC Harrison: "Madam I would ask you not to use that sort of language if you would be so kind."

Caller: "Look. This is Heather Mills McCartney and this is the third time I've rung! There still aren't any police here. What bloody use are you lot anyway? There was a man with a mobile phone taking pictures and now he's been joined by a young woman. My God! She's wearing one of Stella's outfits. Can't you see what he's doing? It's Paul sending them to harass me. Now they're going through my rubbish bins. I think they work for The Sun"!

Line goes dead.

Caller: "The cunt hung up on me. I'll have his bollocks for this. Do you hear me?"

Call 4 - 0752 Monday

Operator: "Miss Mills. I'll just put you through to the police."

PC Harrison: "Yes. Miss Mills. Do you have a real emergency to report?"

Caller: "Of course it's a fucking emergency you bloody twit! The man and woman are still going through my rubbish. Now there's an old man joining them. For fuck's sake! Can't you see what he's doing? He's sent fucking Ringo!"

Click. Line goes dead.

Caller: "Hello? Hello? He fucking hung up on me again! Someone's going to pay for this. I'll beat him with my fucking leg if I have too!"