Today in infamy - "isn't he manly?" edition

I know I'm a few hours early as Captain Codpiece didn't actually proclaim victory in Iraq until 2 May 2003 but whenever I see a picture of him looking so hot and virile in that flight suit I feel something stirring somewhere that I would rather not mention out loud (I think it's a sin)!

In any case, since our job was over nearly five years ago I can only assume that the 3919 Americans who have died in Iraq since then have all died in vain. So Captain Codpiece, your mission, and you have no choice but to accept it, is to explain that to the families of those 3919 brave Americans; none of whom were Bushes or Walkers.

Il duce would be so proud (slight return)

As I noted the other day, with the return of Silvio and the Xenophobes to the helm of the state in Italy is drifting further and further to the far, far right. Now we have a (former) neo-Fascist as the new mayor of Rome and he was greeted with chants of Duce! Duce!. Time to reorganise my holiday plans I think.

So just your bog standard namby-pamby then

Fresh faced Tory leader and man of the people (Eton College/Brasenose College Oxford) David Cameron is attempting to woo Northern voters by telling them he is no "namby-pamby" from Notting Hill. I can only the assume that the standard response on Merseyside yesterday was "fuck off back to London you fucking cunt you".

Remember to always buy American!

Even when buying your crank. After all, buying an illegal drug from an illegal immigrant is more illegal than buying an illegal drug from a God-fearing American who cooked it up in his own trailer.

Shorter Roger Clemens

"I did not sex with that child."

Shorter American public: "We don't believe you!"

Of course someday very soon we will may to answer the question: "Should child molesters get in the Hall of Fame?"

Yesterday's Bush presser (edited for clarity)

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: Hiya. The economy sucks but I'm rich and have an ironclad pension so I'm OK thank God. Drill in ANWR! Blame Congress! I want to reach out to Congress but only if they do exactly what I say. Jennifer?

Q: Are Americans sufficiently stimulated? Things still suck out there. Will you cut the gas tax?

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: The stimulating stuff is just starting to stimulate so they probably are fully stimulated yet, but they will be as long as we drill in ANWR.

Q: Is that a yes on gas tax?

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: No.

Q: Where you wrong when you said the economy wasn't in a recession? The cost of food and stuff sure is high. Even Rush Limbaugh is losing weight! Why won't the Saudis let the price of gas be 19 cents a gallon again?

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: These are tough times. Especially if you're not rich. I don't know any people like that but I hear they're having a hard time buying new helicopters. But everything's going to be OK because the not rich people will soon have batteries in the cars and be able to go 40 miles! Nuclear power - believe it - I do!

As to the Saudis I asked my buddy St. Tony Blair about this but he says that BAE told him we wouldn't be able to afford the bribes.

Q; Are biofuels causing the price of food to go up? The World Bank says they are. What can America do to make food cheaper around the world?

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: It's the weather not biofuel and the price of gas is going to drive more grain to energy and make the situation worse. It's in America's interests that we grow our own energy and if that means other people go hungry... Does that answer your question?

Q: Gas tax. Why don't you want Americans to be able to afford vacations this summer like John McCain or do you want they to be poor and unhappy like Barack Osama?

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: You're trying to get me to endorse McCain aren't you? I told you guys I'm only going to do that subliminally. So cut it out. In the mean time we are anal-ysing all sorts of stuff. That's me I'm The Anal-yser! You're starting to make me stroppy.

Q: What about peak oil? What about renewables?

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: We like cellulosic ethanol which is a fancy word I just learned. Well, I learned how to say it, not what it means. We're also in a period of transition. This means incredible amounts of money are transition from ordinary Americans to the oil companies; or as I like to call them, my friends.

In the meantime ANWR, ANWR, ANWR. Drill in ANWR and gasoline will be free!

Q: I'd like to give you an opportunity to make a little joke now!

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: OK Rog! I like a little joke. Mr. Sunshine.

Q: Other people think you are mad for continuing to fill the strategic petroleum reserve. What do you say to that?

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: We're only doing that because of global market, al Qaeda, destroy us.

Q: I want to talk about Afghanistan. Their President was almost killed. Are we winning?

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: Of course we're winning. That's why the evil doers are fighting so hard and killing so many!

But it's hard in Afghanistan. If you know the history of the country, and I don't but I'm some of you do, it's a hard country. And they've got girls there. And an Army.

Q: But are we winning?

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: Progress! Progress! Good!

Q: But are we winning?

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: Stop it now! I'm angry with you. Just stop it. Do think I'm here to answer questions?

Q: [inaudible}

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: Hey! They've cut off your mike! I'm just like Bill O'Reilly. This is awesome.

Q: You said were were winning.

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: There you go asking questions again. I mad at you. I'm going to have to start yelling soon.

Now I gave you an exclusive and we're winning in Afghanistan and everywhere. Cause that's what we do. We're winners!

Q: [inaudible]

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: Now they've turned off all the mikes. That'll teach you lot!

Q: When we asked you about Israel bombing Syria you said you had to go off and clear brush. Now all of a sudden you've released classified photos and told us it was a nuclear installation being built by commies. Why did you wait nearly a year to tell the American people?

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: We briefed some people and we were afraid that disclosure would lead to war in the middle east and I am Mr. Peace. Also there are secret coded messages in our statements that you, with your little tiny brains will not understand, did you hear that Ahmadinejad?

Q: Here's a softball. Ready? Everything's the fault of the Democrats isn't it? The economy? FISA? Colombia? Why don't they recognise how right you are in all things?

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: You are so right! It's hard to believe how they want to endanger and impoverish the American people isn't it? Susan?

Q: [flicking her hair coquettishly off of her forehead] When do I get an "exclusive at the ranch"?

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: Just you wait baby.

Q: Even though drilling in ANWR will make gasoline free isn't that a long way off? What are you going to do to make gasoline free now? And will the GDP numbers show we're in a recession?

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: Well things are tough on the people who aren't rich. But no body tells me anything so I don't know.

And ANWR is mid term so gasoline will be free soon! And we've done other stuff. We've increased CAFTA! [in thought bubble: "can you believe I'm taking credit for that?") I wish I had a magic wand.

Q: B-

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: Don't interrupt me. Now I'm more confused than usual. But I want to make people feel good and I want to drill in ANWR. Did I mention permanent tax cuts?

Q: Another softball. Ready? Is Jimmy Carter a traitor and is he just trying to undermine you so you don't win the Nobel Peace prize too?

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: Hamas are evildoers. And so are Syria. And Iran. And some other countries I can't pronounce. The problem is Hamas. [in thought bubble: "don't you worry. Jimmy'll be in Gitmo soon!"]

Q: But isn't Carter a traitor? Why didn't you stop him?

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: I don't talk to him. It's all Hamas's fault. You go to meetings with these people, which I don't by the way because they are evildoers, and they lie. Who do they think they are? I mean I supported the elections and then the damn Palestinians had to go an elect the evildoers. Why are they so ungrateful after all I have done to them? And there's going to be an agreement soon because I need a legacy.

Q: Congress is not going to pass exactly the 108 billion dollar spare change for Iraq act. What will you do?

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: 108! 108! 108! and not a penny more (or less). If they do something else it's all their fault, like everything else.

Q: Another softball. Ready? I'd like to give you an opportunity to tell the next President what they will need to do in order to continue to fuck up the country and the planet to the same order of magnitude as you. Go ahead.

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: You're right. They mustn't forget the Eternal Global War on Terra. America is under attack. Be afraid. And don't protect American jobs because American corporations need the money more than American citizens need their jobs! And remember God is on America#'s side; not anyone else's.

Q: Thank you.

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: You're looking hot.

Q: Thank you. You're trying to get me off, aren't you you sexy devil?

Q: Americans think the country is in a recession. Why are they wrong? Also do you know how to spell Zimbabwe?

CAPTAIN CODPIECE: It's just a word. So I want Americans to feel good and not worry and get out there and get stimulating. Buy a new TV. Don't worry about the mortgage payments. And no - I don't know how to spell Zimbabwe. I think it has an "i" in it and maybe an "s".

Have a nice day.

If you think I've taken liberties with the editing, and I have, and you wish to actually find out what he said the official White House probably-not-unedited transcript may be found here.

Clear justification for an (illegal) invasion!

The Islamic Republic of Iran has stopped accepting US dollars, God's currency of choice, for it's oil.

"May he rest in peace hey wow my hand is melting"

Albert Hofmann - 1906 - 2008 - accidental discoverer of LSD- without whom the sixties would not have been the same.

I'll bet Mum's a virgin and all!

Brace yourselves. A woman in Ohio has found Jesus in her uterus or at least in an ultrasound of her uterus. As usual I don't see it myself but obviously I haven't been praying hard enough. The nicest touch is that the child in question; there definitely is a child in there; is a girl!

Why do Gods make such lousy engineers?

Is the best argument against "Intelligent" Design this one from Dr. Francisco Ayala, who is in addition to being a molecular biologist is also a former Catholic priest? His premise is that if life is designed whoever did it did a shit job! He suggests that on the basis of nature God would be a sadist and She would be "the greatest abortionist of them all."

Not that any rational approach will work with these people as they will just tell us that this is all part of God's grand plan and that Her purpose is unknowable by the likes of us, even though we MAY know that She designed all this!

In which I offer an exremely mild restriction on gun ownership that even the NRA will love!

This story from Altoona PA in which a drunken man, armed with a gun, managed to shoot himself whilst trying to shoot bees (really - he was) set me to thinking. Would it be too much to ask that it should be possible to remove from an individual the "right" to carry weapons, possess weapons or live in a household containing weapons after they are found to be in possession of weapons (or at least found to have used weapons) whilst under the influence of alcohol* or illegal drugs? Surely no one could object to that could they?

*The drink driving standard could be used for those old enough to drink whilst zero tolerance should be imposed for illegal drugs and alcohol for the underage.

The incredible vanishing Vice President

First US Vice President "I'm a Big" Dick Cheney and his team told us that he wasn't part of the Executive Branch of government because he was President of the Senate, making him a member of the Legislative Branch (and therefore not subject to an Executive Order on classified information) and now his lawyer tells us that the Legislative Branch has no authority over him either! Perhaps this means that he doesn't actually exist and that it has all been, like that season of Dallas just a horrible dream!

The Scalia torture paradox

The more I have had an opportunity to consider US Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia's decision on the constitutionality of torture, without actually having heard a case, the more enraged I have become. In fact, I actually work up sometime around 3 this morning thinking about it. In fact I may have been dreaming about it which clearly is evidence of my deteriorating mental state (but enough about me).

Justice Scalia is, of all of the right wing Supreme Court Justices, the one most beloved by the Christian right; i.e. those who feel that God's law and Christian morality (as defined by them) should be the basis for American government and jurisprudence. This is hard to reconcile with the curious nature of Justice Scalia's (non binding) opinion on torture. His thinking is diametrically opposed to any moral structures and is based on a typical lawyer's conceit; that torture of a suspect is not punishment and therefore is not covered, he asserts, by the Eighth Amendment restrictions on "cruel and unusual punishment". Ergo torture is Constitutional.

So why do the Christian right so adore Scalia? I suspect it is because that, irrespective of his reasoning, his opinions nearly always coincide with theirs; the ends justify the means.

Justice Scalia's opinion could also prove critically important, should it be adopted by a majority of the Court, as it would probably ensure that American treaty ratifications would provide absolutely no protection for the citizens of the world from torture by Americans, at least as long as they haven't been charged with or found guilty of any offence.

Illegal US detainees in Iraq, Afghanistan, Diego Garcia and places unknown as well as those held at the Guantánamo Bay Beach and Leisure Resort are already exempted from any protections under the Geneva Conventions if the US military deems them not to be prisoners of war. Scalia's thinking would also ensure that any legal or illegal detainees of the United States are not offered protections under the United Nations Convention Against Torture and Other Cruel, Inhuman or Degrading Treatment or Punishment.

Why is this? The Convention clearly defines torture as:

"any act by which severe pain or suffering, whether physical or mental, is intentionally inflicted on a person for such purposes as obtaining from him or a third person information or a confession, punishing him for an act he or a third person has committed or is suspected of having committed, or intimidating or coercing him or a third person, or for any reason based on discrimination of any kind, when such pain or suffering is inflicted by or at the instigation of or with the consent or acquiescence of a public official or other person acting in an official capacity. It does not include pain or suffering arising only from, inherent in or incidental to lawful sanctions." (Article 1.1)

"It also provides that:

No exceptional circumstances whatsoever, whether a state of war or a threat or war, internal political instability or any other public emergency, may be invoked as a justification of torture."(Article 2.2)

So how is it that acts that the US is currently engaged in and has recently engaged in do not represent torture as such and therefore would be in violation of the US ratification of this treaty? Because when the US ratified the Convention a reservation was noted to the effect that "the United States considers itself bound by the obligation under Article 16 to prevent 'cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment,' only insofar as the term 'cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment' means the cruel, unusual and inhumane treatment or punishment prohibited by the Fifth, Eighth, and/or Fourteenth Amendments to the Constitution of the United States."* Therefore anything found acceptable by American courts under the 4th, 8th and 14th Constitutional Amendments is not covered by the Convention!

So we are trapped, if Scalia carries the day, in a situation where there are essentially no protections for foreign nationals, and few protections for Americans, from torture at the hands of Captain Codpiece and his evil minions and their undoubtedly equally evil successors.

We should be ashamed. I certainly am.

*(Note: a further American reservation to the ratification goes even further and ensures that any psychological or mental abuse must effectively cause permanent harm if these acts are to be considered to constitute torture.)

If you're going to do illegal detention...

...it's important to do it well as the outstanding facilities at the US government run Guantánamo Bay Beach and Leisure Centre see it ranked amongst the world's 10 worst prisons by The Times!

The state's obligation

Charges of homicide have been brought against Dale and Leilani Neumann of Wisconsin after they stood by, praying, whilst their 11 year old daughter died of a treatable, if rare, type of diabetes. The Neumanns did not seek medical help. There will be those who say that this is an intrusion into the family's "right" to pursue their religion and to raise their children in their faith but the state has a much, much stronger obligation to protect and defend the young from any who would abuse them and, yes, this is abuse in the 21st century.

I do feel some sympathy for the surviving Neumanns but I feel even greater sympathy for their daughter Lisa. We as a society cannot accept this behaviour nor can we allow it to go unpunished irrespective of the rationale of the parents. Our responsibility is to the safety of the child; not to the parents or their beliefs and certainly not to God.

1,000 reasons John McCain shouldn't be President

Number 11: despite his attempts to portray himself as a straight shooter and a man of people it is clear that he believes that rules don't apply to him as he spent much of last year using his wife's private jet (why didn't my ex have one of those?) at a very small percentage of the true cost by taking advantage of an (unintended) loophole in campaign finance rules.

I wonder if they're members of the "Mile High Club".

Should Barack Obama become US President...

...I would think that he will not be soothed by the news that a Secret Service agent has been suspended after a noose was found hanging at the Service's main training facility; but that's just a guess.

Giving new meaing to the term "bush pilot"

An Australian man, known as the "Flying Vet", has been taken into custody in Texas after he landed his plane seven miles from Captain Codpiece's country estate. Apparently he wanted to thank the Captain personally after he had been rescued at sea by the US Coast Guard. Maurice Kirk's desire to be seen publicly with the US President has been enough to get him taken to, and held in, a local psychiatric facility.

Today in infamy - "they never called me nigger" edition

On this day in 1967 Muhammed Ali was stripped of his world heavyweight boxing championship for refusing induction into the US Army. Four years later the US Supreme Court finally found in favour of Ali and his conviction was overturned.

He'll always be The Greatest!

Obama - right, Hillary (& McCain) - wrong

On the idea of a gasoline tax moratorium. Irrespective of the state of the American economy the government should be doing nothing, I repeat NOTHING, to encourage America's profligate energy consumption; both because we are approaching (if we have not passed) the point of peak oil and because of the country's extravagantly high greenhouse gas emissions. This is simply pandering to the electorate with no thought for policy or for the consequences. The price of petrol in America is still far below that of the rest of the developed world; in the case of the UK it is less than half! If anything the tax should be put on a schedule of aggressive, stepwise increases with the funds raised ring fenced equally for research into alternative energy sources and into public transportation. Of course being right is no way to win an election, especially in America!

It's like watching squid thaw!

No, really, it is and you can watch it here.

"Free" trade is sometimes, but not always, a wondorous thing!

A factory in Guangdong in China has been found to have been manufacturing Free Tibet flags for export. I believe that they may have subsequently ceased and desisted!

When he's right - he's wrong

Smug and arrogant, not to mention fat, US Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has already made up his mind that torture isn't "cruel and unusual punishment" as defined in the 8th Amendment to the US Constitution because, get this, it isn't punishment; just psychotic behaviour then. Key quote: "That's my view and it happens to be correct."

It's blasphemy I say!

Meet the Islamic Jesus. (Hint: he's not the son of God.) And the Christian right doesn't seem to be happy.

Now this IS a food crisis!

The price of doner kebabs is soaring possibly due to a shortage of whatever they make doner kebab meat from!

It's about time

The neo-con house organ The Weekly Standard has been telling us for five years that we are winning in Iraq. I think that they have even told us on occasion that we HAVE WON in Iraq. Now, thanks to an article from Holy Father Fredrick Kagan, we finally know how we can tell!

Curiously Mr. Kagan is capable of seeing things that I, and many others, cannot like the stability of the Iraqi state and it's control over its own territory!

Ssh. Don't tell anyone but I think Obama's Jewish!

The wing nuts of the right like to make fun of Barack Obama's name by constantly using his middle name Hussein, which just happens to be the same as that of some guy we've just spent $3,000,000,000,000 to kill, or "accidentally" mispronouncing his surname as "Osama" which just happens to be the surname of a bloke who would like to spend $3,000,000,000,000 to kill. How come no one ever points out that his first name, Barack, is practically the same as the surname of one extremist right wing former Israeli Prime Minister? Does this mean if Osama Obama is elected we will well and truly have a Zionist Occupied Government?

Il Duce must be so proud

The return of Silvio Berlusconi to power in Italy, at the head of a rag tag nationalistic and xenophobic coalition may have turned one of my favourite country's into Europe's most right wing state. Strangely Italy is also home to one of the last functioning Communist parties on the continent. The good news is that, as it is Italy we are talking about, the government is unlikely to last for long.

Americans do your duty!

The incredible shrinking Federal tax rebates are on the way so get out there and get stimulating. (This doesn't mean you should use the money on sex toys.) And don't use the funds to anything boring like make mortgage payments either. This is silly money; so be silly.

To err is human...

...to keep on erring whilst thinking you're doing it right is Florida. The state that brought us Election Cluster Fuck 2000 looks set to repeat its proudest moment and retain the much coveted title of "state most difficult to vote in".

Well where's the fun in that?

Boffins at the University of California believe they are close to finding a way to get at the medical benefits of marijuana without all those nasty side effects like making Cheech and Chong funny or making Tastykakes taste like they're not made from petroleum.

Today in not-exactly-news

The rich got richer; at least in Britain!

The fearless flotilla!

The US Department of Homeland Security has yet another brilliant idea to protect America and keep the fear pumping; sign up the nation's boaters as security guards.

You know what this means don't it? Gilligan is now in charge of protecting the nation's coastlines.

(And if you've got brown skin and beard - don't even think about buying a boat!)

Iran's flawed logic

"We think it would be unlikely the Americans would take the decision to get themselves into a new fiasco, the consequences of which they themselves have acknowledged would be painful for the region and the world...We hope those who think better in America view the realities more closely and manage to correct such approaches."

On the surface the above statement from the Iranian Foreign Ministry would seem to be entirely sensible and on point assuming, of course, that they were dealing with rational human beings. The problem with it is that it fails to take into account who is still "running" the US government and will continue to do so for the next 267 days!

Schadenfreude alert!

Is Douglas Feith who is, according to a reliable source, the "dumbest fucking guy on the planet" about to join Alberto "Gone-zo" Gonzales on the dole queue? Let's hope so, eh?

For your listening pleasure

Gil Scott Heron - "Winter in America". Yes,despite everything, it is still winter in America.

Attention wingnuts!!!

The US government is sticking up for that America hating, anti-Judaite Jimmy Carter. Unleash thy venom!

Florida to impose forced castration!

Because there is nothing else to do in a state with a crumbling education system, high poverty and considerable crime, not to mention their responsibility for eight years of Captain Codpiece, the Florida state legislature is fake bull balls on cars.

Does the Pentagon now report to the White House Office of (My) Faith (Only) Affairs?

If not, perhaps it ought to. The situation of Specialist Jeremy Hall, who has sued the Army after he was harassed by officers in Iraq for his atheism is reviewed in the NY Times.

Have you no shame Mr. Bush?

The family of US Lt. Colonel Billy Hall, killed in Iraq, gave permission for the press to cover his funeral in Arlington National Cemetery. The military, undoubtedly acting on orders from above by those who wish to shield sensitive American eyes from the human cost of their arrogance, had other ideas.

Thank you Col. Hall and fuck you George Bush.

1,000 reasons John McCain shouldn't be President

Number 10: to claim that Hamas wants Barack Obama to be the next President is simply unacceptable and hopefully, and I am holding my breath here, the media will hold him accountable. (Wait. Sorry. Dreaming.)

Captain Codpiece's moral relativism

It seems that, if one is the President of the United States or his designate, one may make up international law as one goes along. Ergo there are no such things as "human rights.

I think we are best to forget about impeachment and let him, and his evil minions, be snatched up by a court in another, more civilised country.

Today in infamy

Guernica - 26 April 1937.

"Ssh. Whatever you do don't tell the Christians!"

They might not like the fact that Israel has now recognised gay adoption. Why do they hate the baby Jesus?

Good work if you can get it!

The former CEO of the former company Countrywide Financial, Angelo Mozilo, managed the company to the brink of bankruptcy before it was taken over by Bank of America. Because of this he very graciously declined to accept over 35 million USD worth of severance pay and other perks at his "retirement". We now know that Mr. Mozilo could afford to make this noble gesture, in part at least, because of his over 145 million USD in "earnings" from the company for 2007. Most of that amount, 120+ million USD, came from converting options; presumably before the stock tanked.

I gotta get me one of these jobs someday (soon).

Can we still call them "suiciders"?

When we start allowing the islamofascist jihadi suiciding holy warriors to dictate how we use our language* then the islamofascist jihadi suiciding holy warriors have well and truly won.

At least we fought the good fight!

*Actually the language belongs to the English but for the sake of argument let's pretend otherwise.

The excitement is palpable!

We're having a mayoral election here next week and it looks as it "Red" Ken Livingstone might just sneak out a third four year term. He has been well behind in the polls to floppy haired Tory buffoon Boris Johnson until now. Yes America London has had a SOCIALIST at the helm for eight years and the city is in pretty good shape. If nothing else he has sorted out the buses.

We shall know on May Day.

Well surprise, surprise (in a Gomer Pyle voice)

Occasionally I am pleasantly surprised by events. Who would have thought that the state of Texas would have the temerity courage to deny accreditation to the science programme of the Institute for Creation Research as they have to apparent interest in teaching science.

In which I drone on and on and on about THE importance of THE definite article!

You would think that Auntie would know better. When I first saw the headline "Plans to control access to Amazon" I panicked. Where the hell would I buy my CDs and books? However after taking the time to actually read the article I find that the story is about an idea under consideration by the Brazilian government to require all researchers and workers in THE Amazon basin to procure permits and any found in THE Amazon rain forest without a permit would be heavily fined.

Two sides to every story

Captain Codpiece is confident that a Palestinian state will be defined during his reign term. He even went so far as to describe Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas as someone that "rejects the idea of using violence to achieve objectives, which distinguishes him from other people in the region". Captain Codpiece said this completely without any sense of irony.

Presidet Abbas's perspective on the situation is rather different as he said, and I paraphrase broadly: "we ain't goin' nowhere". He also forgot to describe the US President as a "man of peace", for obvious reasons.

This should cheer them up no end

The Roman Catholic Apostolate for Holy Relics of Los Angeles has decided that the best way to improve morale amongst American troops stationed overseas is to bring them bit of dead people. Personally I think most of them would be happier with a copy of Playboy but that's just me.

Welcome home Johnny!

The Pentagon's incredible level of "support" for returning troops continues without pause. The father of a soldier who is now stationed at Fort Bragg, NC after returning from 15 months in Afghanistan has posted a video on YouTube of the wonderful housing that these brave lads get to live in; peeling paint, mildew and overflowing sewage are all part of the package. Not to worry though, even though the Army won't stump up for off base housing until the conditions are improved to live-able, there will be new barracks for everyone by 2013!

Is Rush Limbaugh a Clash fan?

It seems the chunky drug addict is either calling for, or looking forward to, white riots in Denver during the Democratic National Convention this summer.

For those of you who have forgot the song here's the Clash performing it in Victoria Park in 1978.

"No, no chile it wasn't me!"

Douglas Feith, neo-con extraordinaire, current favourite for this year's "dumbest fucking guy on the planet" and leading architect of Captain Codpiece's Iraq Cluster Fuck has announced that whatever problems there may be in Iraq today, they are somewhere between none and legion depending on your source of information, none of them are his fault.

Thanks Doug! Don't call us; we'll call you.

Now this didn't take long

Petrol forecourts are already running dry as an occasionally rational British public begin to panic buy in anticipation of a strike at one of Britain's largest refineries that begins this weekend.

Progress report

US forces have killed 800 people in Sadr City over the past three weeks; some of whom may have even been terrorists!

A good cup of joe

The chairman of Starbuck's has warned of falling profits and blamed the problem on thehomes crisis and energy costs. A business model that calls for shops every 50 metres is blameless!

Good idea, very bad reason

Like a junkie scoring "one last fix" on his way the The Priory Congressional Democrats are threatening to scupper OPEC arms deals unless they pump more oil. If only they would threaten to scupper arms deals to repressive regimes but then how would these poor politicians raise funds?

In the meantime OPEC is expected to counter this "offer" by threating to pump less oil unless they get more weapons!

Chutzpah, but not in a good way

One line merchant of death completely legitimate gun dealer Eric Thompson, who sold the weapons and/or ammunition that Seung-Hui Cho used at Virginia Tech and Steven Kazmierczak used at Northern Illinois, visited Virgina Tech last night to drum up business encourage students to arm themselves!

He is also now offering a student discount.

He must be a real charmer.

American Family Association promotes open-mouthed HO-MO-SEXUAL snogging!

I received the following in a rather strident and often hysterical email from the American Family Association this morning:

Procter & Gamble promotes explicit open-mouth homosexual kissing.

Scene included in this alert!

April 24, 2008

Dear Yank in London,

Procter & Gamble has resumed using explicit, open-mouth homosexual kissing in their soap opera, "As the World Turns." P&G decided to include this type of content as a commitment to "diversity." P&G stopped showing such scenes some months ago, but has now decided to again help promote the homosexual agenda which includes homosexual marriage.

Gay activists are hopeful that the P&G effort will desensitize viewers to the homosexual lifestyle and help make the unhealthy and immoral lifestyle more acceptable to society, especially to children and youth.

View a scene from the April 23, 2008 episode by P&G. WARNING – content is repulsive!

"As the World Turns" is owned and controlled completely by P&G. No network made this decision. P&G alone made the decision to support the homosexual agenda.

And, in order to demonstrate the depravity of Proctor and Gamble, they have embedded the clip on their web site where it will undoubtedly get tens of thousands of views from sexually repressed but "not now nor never have been gay" Christians. Should you not wish to grace the AFA with your presence you may watch the hotter-than-hot (not) clip below.

Not good enough Senator

I am afraid that John McCain's attempt to slough off the most recent homophobic comments by his arch-support religious nut John Hagee as "nonsense" don't meet my demands! Care to try again Senator?

For you afternoon enjoyment

Thomas Friedman gets pied at Brown University.

Life imitates Doonesbury

No wonder Gary Trudeau is taking a (richly deserved) holiday. Instead of his strip parodying the real world we find that the real world is parodying his strip as highly trained and motivated Iraqi troops fail to show up for an operation outside of Baghdad because they overslept.

Shorter John Ashcroft

"Japanese waterboarding - bad, evil, criminal, torture.

American waterboarding - fun for the whole family*!"

For this he probably has to cover Justice's eyes and ears rather than her breasts.

*(Note: See also Alberto Yoo.)

Today Yesterday in infamy - special Bier edition

Four hundred and ninety two years ago yesterday Germany first instituted the Reinheitsgebot and the rest is Oktoberfest!

Shorter Senator Grassley (R- IA)

"Let 'em eat rice; my Hummer's thirsty!"

"Welcome to Florida...

...the "Teach What You Want" State. It shouldn't be too long before it's a 3rd world nation at this rate.

"May we see your permits please?"

The brand spanking new and seriously over budget American Imperial Palace embassy in Baghdad is finally ready to open. I just don't remember the US ever getting planning permission though. I have this recurring dream in which the Baghdad planning authorities show up at the gate and, finding no planning permission has been given, say "this has all got to go".

Well a man can dream, can't he?

One for the consumer?

British High Street banks have lost their High Court battle over whether the Office of Fair Trading could contest their fees and customers of the banks could be able to claim billions of pounds back.

A government bail out plan for these distressed institutions and their under paid management is expected to be announced shortly.

Compare and contrast

News (via Reuters): "Experts say US sex abstinence program doesn't work"

Not News (via Faux Business): "Waxman Sham Hearing Distorts Abstinence Education Benefits"

We report - you deride!

Jail all ticket cheats!

Start with this one!

I think I'll just sit back a while and let the Schadenfreude flow over me.

Isn't this rather missing the point?

Allow me to preface this by I saying I love books. I hope that books exist forever. Nothing can, for me at least, the unadulterated joy of roaming through a truly first class bookshop. (Make a note: must get to Foyles!)

Irrespective of all of that I think that the German publisher Bertelsmann's planto release a book based on Wikepedia is patently absurd!

Have arms, will travel

The Chinese ship An Yue Jiang which has tried, and failed, to deliver arms to Robert Mugabe's Zimbabwean government is heading back to China. The armaments are expected to be diverted to Tibet where they will be beaten into flag lapel pins to assist in the Great Patriotic Tibetan Re-education Campaign.

Q: "Do you, John McCain disavow,...

...deny,refute and refuse to accept the endorsement of the decidedly un-Christian and un-American John Hagee?"

A: "Well no my friend"

Whose side are we on? (Silly quesition)

Is there, or is there not, a secret agreement between the US government and Israel granting Israel the right to continue to expand illegal West Bank settlements? The Israelis claim that there is whilst the Bush administration claims there isn't.

It is a difficult choice as to who to believe. Both side are what I would call "veracity challenged". If I had to pick one I would pick the Israelis. Does it really matter anyway? We all know that the Palestinians are going to (continue to) get screwed and that nothing will change that.

Panic in the aisles!

There's been a run on rice supplies in the US and some large retailers, including WalMart owned Sam's Club, are restricting purchases. Now just imagine how these dramatic rises in food prices are affecting those hundreds of millions of people across the globe who spend upwards of 50% of their income on food.

"Happy birthday dear Adolph, happy birthday to you!"

Meet Indiana Republican Congressional candidate Tony Zirkle.

Watch Tony pose in front of Adolph Hitler and to a handful of Adolph's friends on Adolph's birthday.



See Tony defend his attendance at the birthday event as a harmless bit of fun.

If he told us he would have to kill us

Yesterday Congressman Robert Wexler (D - FL) had the opportunity to question FBI director Robert Mueller about his knowledge of torture by other government agencies. He had less of an opportunity to get any answers but Directory Mueller more or less admitted that he and his organisation were aware of violations of law by the CIA (and perhaps others) and, despite being the US government's chief legal investigators, did absolutely nothing about it. I would call that dereliction of duty at best and complicity in the crime at worst.

With one eye (the good one) on his legacy

There may only be 270 days left in Captain Codpiece's reign but, in arranging promotions for his most sycophantic generals in order that they will run the entire Middle Eastern theatre, he is locking his sights on Iran and tying the next President's hands, whoever he or she may be.

Welcome to "Disneyland" Baghdad...

...where the rides are not nearly as "exciting" as real life. Well, it's not exactly Disney but Llewellyn Werner of California is trying to develop an amusement park in central Baghdad. Some might call him an optimist. I call him a visionary. Clearly this means we are winning, right?

"Is that a banana in your pocket...

...or are you just searching for an extra chromosome?" Expect banana prices to soar as families in India and China go in search of that elusive male heir!

Did Hillary do this?

She says she can fix anything! Well last night the Flyers managed to win the seventh game of their first round series in overtime down in Washington AND the Phillies win finally gets them above .500 which means that I can talk about them again! (I do miss hockey and baseball.)

Quote of the day

"It must be very strange to be President Bush. A man of extraordinary vision and brilliance approaching to genius, he can't get anyone to notice. He is like a great painter or musician who is ahead of his time, and who unveils one masterpiece after another to a reception that, when not bored, is hostile."

(John Hinderaker via the inestimable Tbogg. Where can I get some of what he's been smoking?)

Shut it down!

It was bad enough when we discovered that the "so guilty that they can't even be tried" enemies of freedom living in luxury at the Guantánamo Bay Beach and Leisure Club have access to dental care we now learn that they may have been given free drugs as well! This must stop now!

So just exactly where does the Bible stand on trademark infringement anyway?

A Florida Christian organisation is being oppressed sued by Little Little Baseball for violation of its trademark "Little League". The group calls itself Christian Little League. I think that I shall let the groups founder Jay Kaplan speak for the group:

"GOD is the ultimate judge and has the final say...Christian Little League was GOD's idea and it is a great and wonderful idea...I have no plans on changing the name GOD gave me."

So little doubt how this will turn out then.

"Cheap shot my arse!"*

Elizabeth Edwards responds to John McCain's "cheap shot" claim. Expect Senator McCain to repeat the same.

In the meantime I think we should all get behind my big health care idea and work to strip elected Federal officials and their political appointees of Federally funded health care until such time as all Americans have equal and affordable access!


*Note: this is my somewhat liberal paraphrasing of Elizabeth's Edward's response to John McCain's complaint.

Liars, liars, liars

Once again the administration has been caught out not "supporting the troops" as they have denied that there was an epidemic of suicide amongst veterans whilst simultaneously working to cover up the fact that there is an epidemic of suicide amongst veterans!

Well - he was warned

It can only be a matter of time before former US President and Nobel Peace Prize winner Jimmy Carter is "extraordinarily rendered" to somewhere unpleasant after yesterday's thinly veiled threat from increasingly irrelevant US Secretary of State Conoco-leezza Rice. After all, talking to the party that the Palestinian people voted to represent them is certainly no way peace!

"And I will appoint no activist citizens!"

According to a new poll from AP/Yahoo nearly two thirds of Americans think that the 1983 Supreme Court decision in Roe v Wade should remain in force. That's 66%! Perhaps these folks ought to do a little research into where John McCain stands on the issue before November. Hint: it is a long ways away from leaving Roe v Wade in force!

Happy St. George's Day

I am unsure how we are supposed to celebrate but I imagine a pint or two wouldn't go amiss.

In which I eat humble pie

OK. So I was wrong about Pennsylvania. What the hell do I know about the state? I only spent the vast majority of my (American) life there!

King Abdullah's big surprise!

Largely unnoticed by the western media Saudi monarch King Abdullah has recently stated that he has ordered some new oil discoveries to remain unexplored and unexploited in order to retain some wealth for future generations of Saudi princes!

He doesn't really believe that it is actually HIS oil, does he?

1,000 reasons John McCain shouldn't be President

Number 9: He's just way too fucking rich (and the money comes from selling addictive drugs)!

mccain high life too fucking rich

Today in infamy - 144 years of religious oppresion!

On this day in 1864 the US Congress passed the Coinage Act that resulted in "In God We Trust" first appearing on American coins in order to better oppress the atheists amongst us!

If only he had sodomised an alter boy instead

Fernando Lugo, the newly elected centre-left President of Paraguay, who is also a Roman Catholic bishop may be defrocked by the Pope. Sr. Lugo resigned from the priesthood before he entered politics but the Vatican refused to accept it.

Did they think to bring a cheque?

Excuse me whilst I gloat over the news that Exxon has lost in the US Supreme Court in its bid to have a 112 million USD court award over the Exxon Valdez oil spill reduced.

(I should note that, many years ago, I worked for Exxon in what was probably my first real job. Not in oil or chemicals of course. We made electronic typewriters for a while. Then we didn't anymore and I found another job.)

Is Washington DC another planet?

I only ask because Professor Stephen Hawking, who is a really smart guy despite his refusal to believe that the Earth is only 6,000 years old, seems to think that unintelligent life is common on other planets.

"Man on Dog" Santorum waxes eloquent

For those of you who didn't know Little Ricky Santorum, my ex-Junior-Senator, has a column in the Philadelphia Inquirer. He devotes his current on to explaining what rabid right wingers like him should suck it up and support John McCain. His argument boils down to the following (and I quote): "He's not Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton".

He does have a gift doesn't he?

It never hurts to ask

Royal Dutch Shell, whose last financial year set a British record for profits (£13.9bn / 27.56bn USD), wants the European public to stump up and pay for CO2 sequestration.

Class war comes to Colorado

During debate on a guest worker bill in the Colorado state legislature Rep. Douglas Bruce (Do I Have to Tell You Which Party?) referred to Latin American farm labourers as "illiterate peasants". Ah for the good old days of feudalism. I can hardly wait for Rep. Bruce's efforts to re-introduce droit du seigneur!

Decline and fall?

There are many signs that America's dominance of the world has reached its acme. None perhaps more disturbing than the fact that for the first time in nearly 100 years life expectancy is falling in much of the country driven by a combination of deplorable diet, insufficient exercise and lack of access to basic and preventative health care for many.

Dear Chemical Ali

Please do hurry up and get well soon! We need to kill you. Thanks.

Paging the Internal Revenue Service

Hurry on down to Jonesville SC.Someone clearly needs to lose their religious tax exemption. Seriously. I mean it. This is blatant politicking and should not be tolerated. Full stop.

What goes up....

...just keeps on going as crude oil hits 118 USD a barrel. Oh, and the price of petrol in the US still isn't nearly high enough.

Well that's what Faux means damnit!

If we can't have their licences taken away for brazenly shilling for whoever is the furthest right isn't there an American equivalent of the Trade Descriptions Act which could be used to shut them down over their specious claim to be "Fair and Balanced"?

The doctors will see you now.

Both Senator McCain and Senator Obama weigh in on the wrong side in the MMR vaccine / autism non-debate. Senator Clinton was too busy digging up muck to comment.

The appropriate response to enquiries such as this is something to the effect of:

"I am hardly an expert on this subject and neither is my opponent. We need to leave this to the scientists and follow their advice."

Why doesn't anyone ever try this?

What do you reckon the odds are?

The King of Jordan has asked Captain Codpiece to delay his upcoming visit to Israel, to celebrate the country's 60th anniversary, unless there is a substantive agreement between Israel and the terrorists Palestinians.

I can only imagine that King Abdullah's entreaty will be ignored. After all the Captain has a legacy to think of!

My PA prediction

Hillary wins but by a lesser margin than polls indicate; probably 3 - 4%. She only gains a handful of delegates. She refuses to quit.

Yearning for the old west?

When the range was free, the men were men and the sheriff ran a white slavery operation out of the jail. Well yearn no more!

(For the record: Sheriff Burgess appears to be a Democrat.)

The true Il Papa unmasked!

Incredibly informative, or at least entertaining, website Accuracy in Media identifies the true and traitorous nature of Pope Benedict as he "genuflects before the United Nations. Just in the nick of time.

Hey, what about Americans' fundamental right to keep and bear faux arms?

I am sure that is only a matter of time before Philadelphia Councilwoman Donna Reed Miller hears from the National Rifle Association over her clearly unconstitutional plans to ban the sale of toy guns in Philly.

I have a tip for Ms. Miller; banning the real ones will probably be much more effective.

An utter waste of Parliament's time

Plans afoot to alter the alter the line of succession to the British throne to give women equal treatment in the name of "equality" are senseless at best and ludicrous at worst. Does anyone really believe that Britain will still be a monarchy when this might become an issue. We are talking about the children of the as yet unmarried Prince William.

Will there be flag lapel pins?

The Chinese government is set to launch a two month long programme of "patriotic education" in Tibet to counter the salacious influences of the Dalai Lama and the western press. Unlike the rest of us, the Tibetan people are to be given the opportunity to learn the truth about the riots in Lhasa and elsewhere last month.

1,000 reasons John McCain shouldn't be President

Number 8: He hates America; as demonstrated by his seditious refusal to wear a flag lapel pin on telly yesterday. Of course, at his age, it is entirely possible he just forgot he was going out. If we could see under the desk he's probably wearing his slippers.

Department of unintentional irony

Increasingly irrelevant US Secretary of State Conoco-leezza Rice called Iraqi cleric Muqtada al-Sadr a coward yesterday for calling for war against the Iraqi government unless attacks against his followers cease from a safe haven in Iran. Said Ms. Rice: "I guess that's the message; his followers can go too their deaths and he's in Iran." Ms. Rice made this statement whilst cowering in the relative safety of the Green Zone in Baghdad before returning to Washington and leaving the American troops to their fate.

Damned with faint praise

Barack Obama has boldly come out with the assertion that John McCain would make a better president than Captain Codpiece. Phillies fans everywhere will understand that this is like describing a baseball played as being a better hitter than Bobby Wine.

Christianity - the religion of peace...

...comes to the Holy Land!

David Brooks's almost good idea

On Meet the Press on American telly yesterday David Brooks suggested that having presidential candidates play war games was a better idea than debates. There may be a glimmer of truth here. I say let them play war games and any candidate who is incapable of resolving "gamed" situation without resorting to war must immediately withdraw from the race! (Sorry Senator McCain.)

My big health care idea!

On the telly yesterday John McCain said he understands not having healthcare but that having government funded healthcare is not the answer even though he has had government funded healthcare all of his life. He even said that Stephanopoulos's reference to this fact a "cheap shot".



I hereby propose that the first act of the next Congress and the first law signed by the next President should strip all elected Federal officials and all political Federal appointees of their evil Federally financed healthcare plans until such time as all Americans have equal access to affordable or free care. After all these folks can afford what many Americans cannot.

Sorry George!

I know you think that the Saudis run OPEC and that the Saudis do what you wish, at least as regards oil policy, but I think that you are, as usual, entirely off track. Despite record prices for crude oil OPEC has refused to raise output and expects prices to exceed 120 USD per barrel in the near future.

Happy motoring!

In case you weren't watching...

...another right wing, pro US-business government in Latin America has fallen to the centre left. The new Paraguayan President, former Catholic bishop Fernando Lugo, is devoted to helping the indigenous and the indigent rather than corporate powers in the Anglo north. When do we invade?

In praise of America's greatest ex-President*

Having met with Hamas Jimmy Carter says that the Palestinian group will support the existence of Israel within the 1967 borders. Whether Israel will accept that is open to question. He also stated, absolutely correctly, that:

"the problem is not that I met with with Hamas in Syria. The problem is that Israel and the United States refuse to meet with someone who must be involved."

Because if no one talks to Hamas, who we must remember were elected by the Palestinian people in polls deemed to be reasonably free and fair, what the hell is the alternative?

*There is little doubt that he will continue to hold this title for at least another four years as George W. Bush will not be a contender.

Democracy at work?

New Labour party whips are afraid that the government will lose the Commons vote over the extension of detention without charge to 42 days with as many as 50 backbenchers, including 10 former ministers, set to rebel. The government can't even rely on their good friends the Tories this time as the Conservatives are opposing the bill.

It couldn't happen to a nicer bunch of guys or on a better issue.

OK, I understand internet porn...

...but can someone please explain to me how an internet brothel works? Isn't some physical contact required.

Fr. Michael Pfleger - my new hero

The clip below (found via Brad Blog) shows the good father making mincemeat of one of Bill-O O'Reilly's evil minions.



This clip shows the 10 seconds that Bill-O and his evil minions choose to use during the six minute segment that the thought Catholic theologian Bill-O had to discuss why Fr. Pfleger should be punished.

Dear Mr. Stephanopoulos,

Given your less than stellar performance with the Democratic candidates the other night it seems not very many people are looking forward to your meeting with John McCain this morning but there are lots of good ideas floating around in the Internets, perhaps you could use some of them.

Robert Greenwald thinks your interview ought to go like this.



And Keith Olbermann has a number of excellent suggestions.

If you're bashful about nicking questions from these two you could just pretend that they are Sean Hannity!

And don't forget to get The Food Network's Cindy's recipe for tuna. I hear it's excellent!

Shorter Reverend Swank

"I just don't get this separation of church and state thing!" He seems have a hard time understanding why a science teacher in a public school should have to remove a copy of the Christian Bible from the top of his desk. Apparently it is all the fault of the Mount Vernon (OH) School District where both the school's principal and the superintendent are "non-God fearing" infidels.

How do you spell P-R-O-P-O-G-A-N-D-A?

A "free press" does not mean that the network's military analysts are financed and run by the Pentagon in order that the "right" message gets out there. Or does it these days?

A near perfect Saturday

A man CAN dream. My much loved Crystal Palace FC managed a famous 0-2 win at Watford yesterday to cement their hold on the fourth, and final, playoff spot. The win puts them only a point behind Watford with two matches remaining. Perhaps Neil Warnock, despite my early cynicism, is the answer (and his record IN the playoffs is exemplary).

Everyone should bone up on the lyrics to "Glad All Over" just in case!

WILL LIE FOR FOOD!

Won't you please help this man find a job; any job! He's a top notch arse licker, has very poor recall and is Hispanic so you get diversity points. I think if we all work together we can make it happen.

Any port in a storm

The Chinese ship An Yue Jiang, carrying weapons from China to the government of Robert Mugabe in Zimbabwe has left South African waters and and is believed headed for Mozambique where it may meet less resistance. South African longshoremen had refused to unload the ship and a human rights organisation had received a court order prohibiting transhipment of the armaments on to Zimbabwe.

Does my President look fat in this?

I confess to getting a chuckle out of this column from the NY Times about Captain Codpiece's bold initiative to stop global warming in its tracks; someday not very soon. I am looking forward to watching footage of the 26 and half stone Captain bending the frame of his mountain bike as he attempts to mount it.

This fills me with confidence, this does

One would think that in replacing disgraced and under investigation former Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Alphonso Jackson in a time when the country's housing market is, at best, in turmoil and when record numbers of American families are losing their homes it would be important to pick a replacement based on experience and competence, or not.

Instead Captain Codpiece has picked a man with no housing experience whatsoever, current head of the Small Business Administration Steve Preston formally of Steve's Roach Away Lawn and Pest Service.

Traitors in our midst

No I am not talking about soon to be ex-American as well as ex-American President Jimmy Carter who met with Hamas leaders in Syria yesterday I am talking about Israeli deputy Prime Minister Eli Yishai who used the American Judas to carry his own message to the terrorists!

Alright - I've fucking had enough

There seem to be enough members of the House of Representatives who think that Captain Codpiece should not be impeached for lying in order to provide justification for an illegal invasion, for condoning and approving torture, for using the Justice Department for political ends or for continually violating the will of the people through the use of extra-Constitutional "signing statements"

Well whoever you are I have only three words to say to you. Are you ready?

FUCKING GAME SHOW.

Time for some righteous indignation about the "dignity of the office" perhaps?

What exactly do they know?

In what has to be considered an ominous sign for Hillary Clinton's chances yet another former Cabinet Secretary under Bill Clinton, in the form of from Secretary of Labor Robert Reich, has abandoned the Clinton family and chosen to endorse Senator Obama instead. Reich is said to be annoyed with the increasingly negative approach his former boss's wife has taken of late.

Stern Report debunked!

In a stunning turnaround Sir Nicholas Stern has admitted that he got it all wrong about climate change in his highly publicised report on global warming. He now admits that he "underestimated" the scale of the problem.

Who'll take the high road?

Radar Magazine presents a sampling of political attack ads from American history.

My favourite? "Millard is a pussy name".

I also learned a new word: psephology!

"C’est magnifique, mais...

...ce n’est pas le Camembert."

(Apologies to Marshal Bosquet)

Huis clos

Non-Jewish residents of Gaza and the illegally occupied West Bank will be confined to quarters for the duration of Passover, a major holiday in the Islamic calendar. Why has the Israeli government down this you ask. Probably just because they can.

Is our Preznits winning?

A new report published by the Pentagon's own National Defense University and authored by a former assistant to Donald Rumsfeld, one Joseph Collins, has branded the war in Iraq "a major debacle and argues that it may never be won. Why does Mr. Collins hate America and want her enemies (and the Muslims) to win?

It's not quite impeachment....

...but maybe it will do. A candidate for California's first congressional district, Mitch Clogg (New Broom Coalition) has called for Il Papa to exorcise Captain Codpiece. It can't really do any harm, can it? Maybe he'll finally get rid of that disturbing voice in his head.

If you thought you were the only one who didn't think much of the recent debate...

...you were wrong. One Senator from Illinois didn't seem to think much of it either.

Shorter ex-Judge Roy Moore

"The champions of buggery are intolerant of my intolerance!"

Feeling safer yet?

The US government's General Accounting Office does think you should. The title of their report?

"The United States Lacks a Comprehensive Plan to Destroy the Terrorist Threat and Close the Safe Haven in Pakistan's Federally Administered Tribal Areas."

I don't think I'll even bother reading it!

Faux and Balanced?

They seem to love themselves some Hillary.

We embed - you decide.

I'm still waiting

There has still been little outrage after a lunatic Middle Eastern politician declared 11 September attacks on America to be a good thing. I find this curious.

Your tax dollars at work

The US is busy building a new Berlin wall, in Baghdad, to wall off Sadr City for "security" reasons. Yes. They did and will continue to greet us as liberators.

But how will we fill all of those private prisons?

US Representative Barney Frank (D - MA) has introduced a bill to decriminalise cannabis. Not that it's likely to get very far but it is the thought that counts, eh?

Did I forget to mention that the bill is being co-sponsored by some bloke named Ron Paul?

Of Arms and the Mugabe

Surely even the thuggish government of China is smart enough to understand that four days after a highly contested, and probably soon to be stolen, election in Zimbabwe is not the best time to send off a load of weapons to the Zimbabwean government. With a little luck the shipment made be prevented for reaching its destination by one of those evil trade unions. Just in time for May Day.

Today in infamy - "has it been three hours already?" edition

On this date in 1967 the final episode of "Gilligan's Island" was broadcast. I'm sure I was watching. (What the hell else was I to do at the age of 11?)

R.I.P.

Aimé Césaire - poet of Martinique and human rights activist - 1913 - 2008. I shall have to re-read Cahier d'un retour au pays natal which I think I can still get through in the original; just.

Not so bullish now I suspect

Twas a bad day for Merrill Lynch yesterday and even worse days ahead for up to 4000 Merrill Lynch staff.

Unhappy with the choices for US President?

(And I suspect that covers an awful lot of us.) Why not roll your own?

Please forgive me if I start to cry

10% of registered American voters STILL think that Barack Osama Obama is a Muslim. 16% of white evangelical protestants think so.

[Sigh]

Middle Eastern lunatic says that 9/11 attacks were a good thing!

But since the Middle Eastern lunatic in question is right wing Israeli politician Benjamin Netanyahu don't expect a chorus of outrage anytime soon. I just thought you ought to know.

Credit where credit is due

Commenting on Captain Codpiece's commitment to continue to do absolutely nothing about America's extreme emissions of greenhouse gases Sigmar Gabriel, the German Environment Minister, congratulated Our Great Leader on his innate ability to demonstrate "losership instead of leadership". I think that requires no further amplification.

Addressing the top issues of the day

As I was comfortably asleep during yesterday's Democratic debate in Philly, at least until that fucking car alarm went off, I was spared having to watch it. I did, however, find the strength to read through the transcript and I can only say - WTF? Did these guys really think that these are the sorts of questions that would be useful in determining who ought to be President of the US?

I took a few notes. The most popular theme seemed to be "why won't you admit guns are sacred gifts from God" with three questions from the annoyance that is Charles Gibson and one from the suave Greekness of George Stephanopoulos. This was closely followed by Mr. G's deep concern about his capital gains tax rates. (He must have some property that he can't unload until there's a new president.) He asked three separate questions about this whilst Mr. S. had one wimpy question about raising taxes when the economy's in the shitter.

Branching out from there we find Obama's choice of pastor to be a popular topic with two questions from Mr. G and one from Mr. S. focusing on why Obama would listen to such a madman and allowing Hillary to admit that she would have honourably run screaming from the church at Rev. Wright's first utterance.

Then Iraq was also popular as Mr. G. wanted to know why these two would even consider pulling out of Iraq as it was obviously the wrong thing to do as the generals on the ground would tell them! Three extremely leading questions here (I wanted to jump out my chair and object but then realised I was three thousand miles away and it wasn't a courtroom.)

I also liked the "why can't you two just get along and pick each other as VP" questions along with the "you don't really think you can beat McCain" enquiries.

But my absolute favourite was the voter video question, selected by Mr. G., that asked "are you and your wardrobe patriotic enough to be President".

Anyone who made their mind up based on this dismal performance from ABC ought to be barred from voting!

Note: Will Bunch isn't full of praise for the performance of the interogators moderators either!

A Boss-dorsement

Bruce Springsteen has come out and officially endorsed Obama for President. Well it was never going to be Hillary was it?

I assume that this means that he will be allowed to use "Born in the USA" as theme tune if he wishes; unlike some others in the past who used it without permission. It would also be an inappropriate tune for John McCain for rather obvious reasons.

You shall be hearing from my attorneys!

Alternet has shamelessly, if almost certainly unknowingly, stolen the title of my post about Alberto "Gone-zo" Gonzales's difficulty in finding gainful employment outside of the Captain Codpiece arse-licking sector: "Will Lie for Food"!

I am shocked.

1,000 reasons John McCain shouldn't be President

Number 7: Some One's in the Kitchen with Cindy.

How desperate (or lazy or stupid - you choose) is this?

How not to be loved in Pittsburgh

Filming from Philadelphia Stephen Colbert adopts the Phillies, Flyers, Sixers and Eagles in order to condescend to Pennsylvanians apparently quite forgetting that there is another, albeit inferior, city in the state; not to mention the slightly superior record of their sporting clubs.

Mine eyes have seen the glory!

With no apparent sense of irony the White House greeted a message of peace (or "an awesome speech" according to some partially evolved simian) from the Pope with a rendition of the "Battle Hymn of the Republic". Nice, eh?

Condi we hardly knew ye

Film maker Robert Greenwald has increasingly irrelevant US Secretary of State Conoco-leezza Rice in his sights over torture.

Peak potash?

Modern intensive commercial agriculture requires, in addition to lots of cheap energy, lots of cheap fertilizer to replace nutrients lost through the crops and through erosion. I have been hearing rumours of concern over global potash sources for some time and this deal between China and Canada, with China paying well over the odds, makes me wonder if there isn't something serious to worry about here; as if we needed new and serious things to worry about.

That freedom thing

After nearly two years being held without charge AP photographer Bilal Hussein has finally been freed by the US military on orders from the Iraqi government. He's probably still on the no fly list though I reckon.

Captain Codpiece meets Il Papa!

But what did the talk about?

Maybe they had a chat about the incredible success of the illegal invasion and occupation of Iraq, or not.

Perhaps they discussed the Captain's illustrious record as the Great Helmsman of Texas and how he meted out Old Testament punishments, or not.

They might have then had a wee chat about Bush's economic philosophy centred on unfettered "free" market capitalism, or not.

Given what Our Great Leader planned to talk about later in the day they could have touched on the American crusade against action against climate change, or not.

At the very least they must have traded opinions on the New 7 Deadly Sins given Dubya's exemplary record combating pollution and ensuring that wealth creation does not create a new mega-rich elite at the expense of the poor, or not.

I reckon that just leaves abortion then.

It's a good thing that the Pope's a busy man and there wasn't much time to kill.

"Hey! We said stop counting."

Consistency is the hallmark of the Bush administration and they continue to demonstrate it through their opposition to a recount of the Presidential ballot in Zimbabwe. Jim Baker is apparently on standby to fly off to Harare.

It should be noted that, in this case at least, I agree with them wholeheartedly. I believe it is safe to assume that this will not occur again.

Enough with the $4 gas already...

...we may be headed to £1.50 a litre! In case any Yanks are interested that's just shy of 11 USD a US gallon.

Dear NASA,

Please check your maths. I did and they're wrong.

Sincerely,

Nico Marquardt
Aged 13
Potsdam

Blame China, I do!

The United States is officially off the hook. China, not the US, is now the planet's largest greenhouse gas emitter. So what are they going to do about it, eh?

What can you learn for £12.5 million?

Not much that we didn't already know if the cost of the inquiry into Princess Diana's death is any indication.

Well it is about time!

Captain Codpiece looks set to stun the nation and the world as he prepares to discuss "realistic" targets for lessening greenhouse gas emissions. He is expected to speak in generalities rather than specifics (who would have guessed) but several ideas have been discussed around the White House inner circle including:

Getting at least 10% of American household to voluntarily agree to walk to the mail box at least once a week rather than driving, pushing McDonald's and other fast food outlets to offer McSteak Tartare Burgers to reduce fossil fuels used for cooking and a bold new plan to use dead Iraqi children to make bio-diesel.

I wait with bated breath!