This is an order!

I have a proposal for those who believe it is a good idea to make "English"* the official language of the United States. I agree with you that ALL IMMIGRANTS must learn the language native to the land to which they emigrate. I therefore put forward the follow executive order to be known as Yank in London Executive Order Number 1:

1) All immigrants to the region of North America now known as the United States of America have a moral and cultural obligation to learn the native language. This requirement applies to all immigrants and their descendants. Therefore each and every American citizen or resident whose family line is not native to North America must learn the local language.

2) These families will have the choice of learning the native language that is appropriate for the region in which their family first settled, the native language that is appropriate for the region in which they currently live or a default language of Cherokee. (I have chosen Cherokee as it was the first Native American language to develop its own written form.)

3) Each family member of sixteen years and older will be required to learn this language in the twelve months following this announcement. Should they fail to do so they will be deported to the country of their origin following the paternal line. If that can not be traced they will be sent to Iraq, Afghanistan or North Korea. Individuals who risk torture or murder in the country of their origin are exempt from the deportation penalty and will instead be sent to the luxurious government run holiday destination known as the Guantánamo Bay Beach and Leisure Resort. (Note: for the purposes of this programme we are using the "I'm a Big" Dick Cheney definition of "torture" so don't even try to beg off using "enhanced interrogation techniques" as an excuse!)

4) Twelve months from the date of this announcement all communication with federal, state and local governments will have to be communicated only in the language selected. No translations or translators will be available to assist you.

5) All political discourse including but not limited to legislative or campaign debates, newspaper commentary and television and radio talk shows must be conducted in one or more of the approved languages.

6) All new legislation must be written in one or more of the approved languages; no English, Spanish or Latin phrases may be used.

7) Election ballots can be written in any of the approved languages but no translation assistance or poll support in other languages may be provided.

8) Exemptions: any and all American citizens or residents who can trace any of their bloodlines to an individual who was forced, under duress or imprisonment, to leave their native land and come to America are exempted from all of the requirements of this order and may use the language of their choice.

9) Non-exemptions: George Walker Bush (aka "The Decider(TM)", aka "The Commander Guy", aka "Captain Codpiece")and Richard Bruce Cheney (aka "I'm a Big Dick", aka Mephistopheles) as well as all heterosexual members of their families are explicitly NOT TO BE EXEMPTED from any provision of this order under any circumstances.

Well I'm going to sign off now as I reckon you all will need to get cracking on the revision straightaway.

*Note: it is recognised that these misguided souls do no actually mean "English" and are referring instead to the primitive and intellectually deficient English dialect known as "American".