Lady with Torch Abducted

DATELINE: NEW YORK 29 SEPTEMBER 2006

The Statue of Liberty has been reported missing this morning.

Several witnesses reported that they saw, in the early hours of the morning, the famous monument being bundled into the back of black Chevy Suburban with tinted windows and government plates by burly, crew cut men in dark suits and sunglasses. One of the men was reported to resemble Keifer Sutherland.

Further reports that the famous French woman was spotted at a small private airfield in New Jersey, hooded and handcuffed, being loaded onto an unmarked Lear jet sparked rumours that she had fallen victim to an extraordinary rendition. News that became available later on that the plane had filed a flight plan for Algiers amplified these concerns. (You know what the Algerians think of the French!)

US government sources were not forthcoming on the matter. Presidential spokesman Tony Snow would neither confirm nor deny the disappearance nor even discuss whether the statue may once have existed.

Coming on the heels of yesterday's passage of the so-called Foreign Rendition Enablement and Enforcement Debriefing Optimization Modus Operandi (FREEDOM) Act in the Senate many concerned citizens are concerned that the shrine to humanity could be subject to aggressive interrogation techniques and even torture. No methods that could be dangerous or even fatal to a bronze object are prohibited in the bill as approved yesterday.

A CIA official, speaking off the record, would not be drawn on the status of the statue. He did however say the famous woman was: "known to have been visited by both al Qaeda operatives, known Communists and people of color on multiple occasions. She has been known to make public statements that are likely to be of aid and comfort to the Freedomhaters(TM) with whom we are at war. Also she is French".

Calls made to the Department of Defense, the Department of State and the National Parks Service have not been returned.

In other news vistors to Monticello this morning reported the sounds of weeping emanating from Thomas Jefferson's grave.