An anti-manifesto

Here we bloody go again. Some Republicans are trying to shift the ground in the immigration debate to something completely irrelevant and in fact idiotic by insisting that English be declared America's official language! Clearly this is just posturing to the worst elements in the electorate and a material waste of legislative time.

But if they insist on pushing forward with this I have a few demands of my own:

1. As an American living in the United Kingdom I insist that you cannot claim "English" as the official language as you bloody well don't speak it! Just come over here and inform your young daughter in public that if she doesn't start behaving you are going to "spank her fanny" and see how quickly you get banged up to rights! The language will have to be called either "American English" or preferably just "American". Should you desire I am also willing to accept it if you make Ebonics the national language.
2. Should you continue in this senseless endeavour I insist that part of the legislation be that for any American to hold any public office he or she must pass a test of their competency in "American" including spelling, pronunciation and grammar. You will probably need to seek immigrants from Scandinavia, the Netherlands or China to fill lower level positions such as local policemen and city hall clerks as most of the current incumbents in these positions will fail to qualify. The difficulty of the test will increase the higher the position sought. Of course if this were in place in the year 2000 Al Gore would be President, the Decider(TM) having been disqualified; we would stand a chance of responding to the threat of global warming in time and a few thousand young Americans along with tens, if not hundreds, of thousands of Iraqis would still be alive.

Until these issues are addressed by your good selves I suggest you not raise the suggestion again.

Thanks very much indeed,

Yank in London