10 job prospects for Tony Blair

As the date of his redundancy (er, resignation) nears Tony Blair is not to be chided for considering, with great angst and uncertainty, how he will spend the rest of his career. After all young Leo is only six and Tony has one hell of a mortgage to pay off. I shall ignore the more obvious choices (corporate director, after dinner speaker, the First Earl of Sedgefield) which have already been mooted by more prominent commentators. Instead I shall concentrate on options that either specifically utilise his unique abilities or that will bring him into contact with those whose lives he has changed (for the better of course!). I hereby provide a substantial selection of career alternatives that he may wish to consider:

• Cockle picker on Morecombe Bay.

This will give the ex-prime minister a chance to experience life a member of the "new economy" and enjoy the benefits that being a flexible worker has to offer.
In his political career he has spent to much time indoors. Imagine Tony in the great
outdoors; the call of the sea birds, the brush of a gentle sea breeze, the rush of the incoming tide...

• Taxi driver in Baghdad.

In his battered, stolen Mercedes Tony will have the opportunity to meet and get to know those ordinary Iraqis who will, undoubtedly, wish to thank him for his largesse. By cruising through Sadr City he will experience all the peace, security and prosperity that life outside the Green Zone has to offer. I am unsure what Iraq's current naturalisation requirements are now (quite possibly they haven't seen the need to establish any) but a some point Tony could become a citizen and thereby participate in determing who will govern this youngest of democracies.

• Arsenal boot boy.

We know he loves football and, although he is a Newcastle supporter, I think that he will wish to remain in London (whilst he pays off the aforementioned mortgage anyway). Where better to enjoy the delights of the Premiership than the brand new Emirates stadium. (To those would suggest Chelsea might provide him a better chance of European glory I think that it will be best for Tony to avoid the Russian connection so soon after leaving office - at least until the furour over Gerhard Schröder dies down.) In addition he'll be able to bone up on his French whilst he cleans the mud off Thierry Henry's boots.

• Call centre worker in Mumbai
  Once again this will put Tony at the heart of the new economy. Who wouldn't want to be a fly on the wall as Mr. Blair explains to Posh why her overdraft has been severly restricted and why it will bloody well stay that way until either she gets a real career or David's endorsement income recovers.

• Cliff Richard's house boy

Once he's no longer resident at number 10 one can only assume that he will no longer be invited to holiday at Cliff's villa in Barbados; such invites undoubtedly going to Tony's successor. By going into Cliff's service he will therefore have a chance to stay near the reins of power and by surreptitiously listening in on Gordon's phone calls when he pops up from the beach he will be able to keep in touch with the ongoing political situation.

• Chat show host

Rupert Murdoch has long had an interest in young Tony's career. It is possible that he may wish to continue this patronage and offer him a chat show slot on Faux News. Whilst he waits for a show of his own he could perhaps fill in for Bill O'Reilly rudely upbraiding anyone who opposes the war. (He should, however, not expect to equal the $15 million a year reportedly being paid to Katie Couric by CBS.)

• Human guinea pig

He has shown courage in the past in his willingness to sacrifice the lives of others in order that they fight the "War on Terror". By offering himself up as a human guinea pig he could confirm his willingness to sacrifice himself as well in the betterment of humankind. The lives of countless lab rats could be saved and he would earn the undying gratitude of the animal rights lobby. Although the trials of TGN1412 would seem to be complete for now perhaps there are tests of anti-delusion or anti-arrogance drugs which are eagerly awaiting volunteers. I suggest that he contact Parexel International straightaway.

• Test umpire

We know that Tony's diplomatic skills are unparalleled. As it is likely that David Hare will be unavailable for the foreseeable future he can put these talents to good use by taking charge of the next test series between India and Pakistan.

(Note to Tony - before making of accusations of ball tampering or other such heinous crimes it is very important that you be absolutely certain of your intelligence - remember what happened last time.)

• Anti-plagiarism investigator (Oxbridge)

With the ready supply of prepackaged papers and articles now available on the internet universities must be ever vigilant against plagiarism these days and they have had to take measures to ensure that work submitted by students is original. Tony's experience in claiming the work of another without attribution (ref. Ibrahim al-Marashi) should prove invaluable.

• Heathrow security guard

Fighting the war on terror is a thankless business. As a BAA employee at Heathrow Tony will, at last, be in the front lines of this noble endeavour. He will bring with him the inate talent necessary to be able to explain to the likes of Diana Ross why she cannot take such dangerous liquids as contact lens solution or holy water with her on the flight back to New York.

• Tea lady

(I know I only promised ten- think of this as a
bonus!)

Tony can validate his credentials as a 21st century man and
husband by devoting his remaining years to assisting his wife in her chosen
career (as she once did for him!). By taking up the duties of preparing
beverages for the busy partners (and other employees) of Matrix
Chambers he will be doing his little bit to further the career of Cherie
Booth, QC. After all she's always been the primary bread winner in the
family.

Tony - if you're listening I hope you will find this helpful. Love to Cherie.