Through a network of anonymous but well placed sources I have managed to acquire a preliminary course prospectus. Lecturers and instructors will consist of the glacticos of UK government, including representatives of all UK parties, as well as a number of international statesmen and diplomats.
Course: Managing fast track immigration
Instructor: David Blunkett (former UK minister for Work and Pensions Secretary, former UK Home Secretary and current Labour MP for Sheffield Brightside)
Course précis: Mr. Blunkett will discuss the need to develop an immigration process that meets the needs of all parties involved and, within which, applications can be expedited for those with critically needed skills, such as nannies and au pairs. (Note: students with an allergy to dogs should not avoid enroling in this course. )
Course: The role of government in the maintenance of urban open spaces
Instructor: Ron Davies (former Welsh Secretary and ex-Labour MP for Caerphilly)
Course précis: The course will include discussions on the importance of government in the preservation of urban open spaces which should be made available for a wide range of activities. Class will be held outside the lecture hall on Clapham Common. The class will meet from 11 PM to 1 AM on Fridays and Saturdays.
Course: Leveraging party financing and the management of rewards in the 21st century
Instructor: Lord Levy (Labour party fundraiser & former pop impresario)
Course précis: Lord Levy will explore the ever more complicated world of party finance in the modern era. Topics to be discussed will include how to gain access to those with the level of funds required and how to manage donor expectations re the appropriate quid pro quo. Students deemed having promise may be invited to tennis with the former Prime Minister and patron of the University.
Course: Alternative approachs to the housing of legislators and key government employees
Co instructors: Peter Mandelson (Commissioner for the European Union on Free Trade and former Labour MP) & Geoffrey Robinson (former Paymaster General and former Labour MP)
Course précis: Messrs. Mandelson & Robinson will focus on the difficulties faced by MPs and government bureaucrats in managing the costs of a home whilst living in expensive capitol cities. Alternative sources of mortgage funds will be investigated and may be made available to students as appropriate.
Course: The unappreciated art of being number two
Instructor: Gordon Brown (Chancellor of the Exchequer and MP for Kirkcaldy and Cowdenbeath. Note by the time the course is first offered it is expected that Mr. Brown will either be Prime Minister or unemployed.)
Course précis: The course will consist of a round table discussion of how to be a useful subordinate whilst all the while maintaining a favourable profile in the public eye. Mr. Brown will contrast his style with that other famous number twos such as US vice-President Dick Cheney and Microsoft's Paul Allen. Mr. Brown will highlight the importance of getting agreements made over dinner in writing (preferably before the bill arrives). If time permits the secrets of coup plotting will be reviewed.
Course: How to be a reliable witness
Instructor: Lord (Jeffrey) Archer (Baron Archer of Weston-super-Mare, former Tory MP and former Deputy Chairman of the Tory Party. Lord Archer also writes largely unreadable pulp fiction.)
Course précis: Members of government are often called on to testify before Parliament, in official enquires and in court actions. Lord Archer’s extensive experience in court will be the basis for a hands on exploration of techniques that may be utilised to prepare oneself for the witness stand. Lord Archer will also conduct students on a tour of Belmarsh Prison in order that they may understand the consequences should anything in their preparations fail. Champagne and shepherd's pie will be served after the final class.
Course: Principles of fair and equitable local taxation
Instructor: Baroness Thatcher (former Prime Minister and Tory MP for Finchley)
Course précis: Lady Thatcher will explore the various means that a government must avail itself of to ensure that local taxation is fair and equitable. Methods of tax collection and enforcement will be reviewed. Police instructors will be on hand to demonstrate the appropriate techniques for baton charges and the use of tear gas to disperse any troublemakers and miscreants who do not wish to contribute their fair share to society.
Course: The sex industry, alternative life styles and life in (permanent) opposition
Instructor: Mark Oaten (former Liberal Democrat spokesman for home affairs & MP for Winchester)
Course précis: Mr. Oaten will explore the relationship between the sex industry and good government. He will also discuss how to manage confused sexuality whilst living in a politically charged atmosphere. Mr. Oaten may be assisted by David Mellor, Piers Merchant, Jeff Gannon, or any number of surprise guests.
Course: Government's impact on religious and ethnic intolerance
Instructor: Rev. Dr. Ian Paisley (MP for North Antrim and leader of the Democratic Unionist Party)
Course précis: Dr. Paisley will call on the experience of his tireless efforts to make Norhern Ireland, one of the world's longest lasting trouble spots, a more peaceful community with tolerance and respect for all citizens irrespective of their religion, ethnicity or sexual preference. Dr. Paisley had asked Pope Benedict XVI to join him as a instructor in this course. Unfortunately the pontiff's schedule would not allow it.
Course: American methods of government - the management of commercial interests, fund raising and the controlled alteration of constituency boundaries
Instructor: (Tom Delay – former Republican member of the US House of Representatives for Sugarland, Texas) Note: at the time of the issuance of this preliminary course schedule Mr. Delay's availability is uncertain. Should Mr. Delay be unable to conduct this course an wide array of alternate US Republican luminaries will be considered including, but not limited to: Newt Gingrich, Ron Reed, Jack Abramoff and Grover Norquist.
Course précis: Congressman Delay’s course will begin with a discussion of how a party in government should leverage its power relative to the business community. There will be strong (arm) focus on management of commercial lobbying interests, the need for secrecy in fund raising arrangements and the use of electoral districts to ensure perpetual power. At the conclusion of the course students will receive a souvenir hammer engraved with Mr. Delay's signature courtesy of the Texas Association of Business.
Course: Media & the government – a partnership
Instructor: Silvio Berlusconi (former Italian Prime Minister, leader of the Forza Italia party, owner of scandal ridden AC Milan and Italy's richest man)
Sr. Berlusconi’s premise is simple – if the government cannot directly or indirectly control at least 75% of the media governance will be awkward and immunity from prosecution hard to come by. He will lend his expertise to the construction and passage of legislation that ensures a part in power can make this occur and that its legality is guaranteed. A schedule of the fee’s required for specific grades will be made available before class begins.
Course: Government in the age of the internet
Instructor: Ted Stevens (Republican & senior US senator from Alaska)
Course précis: Senator Stevens will avail the class of his in depth technical knowledge of the internet and on line media in order to explain the impact of this new sphere on government policy and execution. Students will be required to provide their own tubes.
Non-credit seminar: Addressing the media and the management of the press conference
Seminar leader: George W. Bush (US president, former Governor of Texas, former baseball and failed oil executive and The Decider(TM))
Seminar précis: This will be a half day event in which President Bush will demonstrate his extraordinary techniques for dealing with the hostile, Liberal media. Students will be allowed to prepare and ask the questions to which Mr. Bush will respond. The following rules will apply:
Interested students should address their enquires to:
The Foundation for the Preservation of the Reputation of the Right Honourable Tony Blair Esq.
c/o Ms. Cherie Booth QC
10 Downing Street
London
SW1A 2AA
United Kingdom
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