Because its raining

Breaking news!

Former US astronaut, and frighteningly possessive lover, Lisa Nowak did not wear a nappy when she drove from Houston to Miami to sort out her love rival. I am glad that is finally put to rest. I thought you would want to know!

Show me the money

This US State Department press releases extols the virtues of voice guided ATMs and their usefulness to the blind. Of course once blind people get banknotes from a hole-in-the-wall they are at the mercy of those surrounding them and we all know how that generally works out.

So what progress has this self-same American government made on making banknotes suitable for the blind since a court ordered them to about six months ago? Not a lot apparently although it seems that they are thinking of adding more colour.

We must fight them on the beaches!

Why is everyone trying to destroy the fabric of Protestant Christian America? First we had to face up to "metrosexuals", see also Howard Dean, and as it that were not bad enough there now seems to be an infestation of "promo-sexuals" that must be destroyed and driven from the shores if America is to be saved.

A second amendment question

According to my copy of the Second Amendment to the US Constitution reads

"A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed".

You will note that the text does not refer specifically to gun. So why aren't fireworks covered and why is the US National Rifle Association doing more to prevent these obvious infringements of human rights in the Garden State?

The hearts and minds campaign continues

Early Friday morning US and Afghan forces who were on a joint operation in the Eastern part of Afghanistan attacked and killed four Afghans all of whom where evil doers, or perhaps not, dependent on whom you have asked.

In which I discover that the US government has been listening to me

When I suggested a while back that the best way to calm the fears of the good people of Texas that the border fence was going to unnecessarily disrupt their lives was to build the bloody thing in Mexico the last thing I expected was for the government to go out and do just that.

Not that I'm paranoid but first thing Monday I'm getting someone in to sweep the flat for bugs.

Maybe he can share a cell with Scooter Libby or Ken Lay

I'm not sure how you define "scumbag" but I certain that irrespective of the nuances in your definition this bloke, or should I say scumbag, qualifies.

I man can dream, can't he?

I confess that my heart skipped a beat, in a good way, when I saw this headline only to start up again once I realised it wasn't the right one!

What's in an alphabet?

The US run agency, Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers (ICANN), finally seems to be moving forward on the use of non-Latin characters in domain names although it looks at though it will probably take another two years or so before any substantial changes take place.

I am not sure that having Americans in charge of these changes is a good idea. At one point in the not so distant past I was working for an American company, whilst I lived here, on a project to adapt a bespoke IT application for use in Europe. There were two things that they really didn't get and I was assigned the responsibility for their education; as a European-ised Yank it was believed that I would understand their difficulties. These two areas, to which I devoted an unbelievable and frustrating amount of time, were valued added tax (VAT) which I shan't discuss here and the various diacritical marks used in non-English languages. I can remember discussions that went something like this:

Me: "French has five specials characters that we have to allow for: accent acute (´), accent grave (`), circumflex (ˆ), the cedilla (¸) and the diaeresis (¨)."

Them: "Is this really necessary?"

Me: "Would you have put this system into the states without including the letter 'a'?"

Them: "But that's a real letter?"

Me: "Sigh."

Them: "Can't we just spell these words and names in a different way?"

Me: "Sigh."

I finally convinced them but only at a high personal cost to me and the consumption of copious amounts of alcohol after these phone calls. It didn't help that this happened roughly simultaneously with the Great German Spelling Reform of 1998. You can well imagine how the conversations related to the legality of spelling went.

So I am not sure that Americans in general get the importance of the use of one's own language and alphabet is to others acroos the globe. Maybe someone should nudge them a bit and hurry them along.

A theory that will make Bill O'Reilly's head explode

The murder rate in Philadelphia is soaring but it is not the only East Coast city that is suffering from a wave of gun driven death as Baltimore, Newark and Boston see killings increasing. Robert J. Sampson, a Harvard sociologist, thinks he may know why: not enough immigrants.

Tee hee!!

Strange fact of the week

At least three alligators have been found in Philadelphia's Pennypack Creek. What is to blame? Climate change, space aliens, satanic cults or perhaps Scientologists? Who knows? Who cares?

From the department of "not really news"

A new Zogby poll finds that support for the GOP amongst Arab-Americans has fallen to nearly zero and the vast majority of Arab-Americans want the US to pull out of Iraq.

It is hard to believe that one can make money out of polls like these.

Ruining ganja for everyone!

Politicians are always seeing fit to stick their noses into things where they don't belong and interfering with the all-knowing, infallible and invisible "hand of the market". Whenever they do this things always go wrong and the constrictions on the market often prevent a handful of worthy people from becoming filthy rich.

Now we find that the state of New Mexico has enacted legislation that requires the state government to take over the cultivation and distribution of marijuana. The economic history of cannabis over the past forty years or so, protected from needless government regulation and control, is one of the great success stories of the free market. What other product has seen its quality increase by several orders of magnitude whilst the price declines in real terms? Obviously the evil socialists at the helm of the New Mexican government could not allow this to continue and instead will put an end to this testament to the genius of Adam Smith.

It's a miracle!

Stories abound that less than successful Polish Formula I driver Robert Kubica could be called to give testimony to the Vatican as to how the ghost of Pope John Paul II saved him from certain death after he drove his car into a wall in Canada. It is alleged that he has claimed that the late Pope saved his live. This of course would count as a miracle and would help to "speed" the late Pope on his way to saintdom.

The former Pontiff's powers from beyond the grave however do not seem to have been strong enough to either prevent Mr. Kubica from driving into the wall in the first place or to actually win a Grand Prix whilst driving for Sauber.

In which I bid adieu to Mitt

His campaign for President has been up and down in any case but I do not see how Mitt Romney is to survive the news that he strapped the family pooch to the roof of his estate car and drove twelve hours to Canada. Of course it is entirely possible that the story is a complete fiction and he has only allowed it to be circulated so that folks will take him seriously when he struts to the bar and orders a Double Guantánamo.



Of course I do have to remember that the US is a country that used to have a president who thought that picking up his mutts by the ears was a good idea so it is possible that I am wrong in dooming Mitt for this seemingly minor infraction.

A small step for womankind

The Egyptian government has taken steps to finally outlaw the horrific practice of female genetic manipulation by closing a loophole that allowed the practice for "medical reasons". Last week the country's Grand Mufti had made a statement that said that the process was forbidden under Islamic law following the death of an 11 or 12 year old girl whilst undergoing the procedure. There is still quite a ways to go until this barbaric practice is eliminated.

A very, very bad idea

Am I the only one who believes that arming robots and using them as police is not an idea that we should be pursuing?

The oppression of Ann

Shameless anorexic fascist hag-ette Ann Coulter continues to self promote herself and has chosen Bill O'Reilly's completely unbiased TV show* on the forum where she will bravely defend herself against the brutal ad haginem attacks from the Godless serpent that is Elizabeth Edwards. Billo and pale Annie agree that she is being shamelessly used by the manipulative and Machiavellian Edwards’s.

*The Faux News website notes that this transcript has been "edited for clarity". When dealing with a conversation between O'Reilly and Coulter it must take a cast of thousands to provide that service; if the task can be accomplished at all!

Is the US Turkey's enemy in EGWOT?*

The Turkish military is making an increased amount of noise about the likelihood of an incursion into Iraq and accuses the Americans of failing to take Kurdish terrorism seriously. An election in coming in Turkey and it would be no be surprising if at least a low level incursion of some kind occurs before the poll. And what then? Will we fact the prospect of NATO troops fighting forces armed, trained and allied to another NATO nation or even worse direct conflict between two NATO members?

*Eternal Global War on Terra

Gone-zo watch (day 101)

There is an old cliché that life is lonely at the top. US Attorney General and Bush succubus Alberto "Gone-zo" Gonzales is beginning to understand what that means as yet another of his minions resigns. At this pace the Fourth of July picnic will consist solely of Sr. and Sra. Gonzales.

(To be continued - unfortunately...)

NewsMax headline modification service

Original headline: "Ann Coulter Says Her Mom Loved NewsMax, Hated TIME"

Corrected headline: "Ann Coulter Says Her Mom Loved NewsMax, Hated TIME, Has a Lot to Answer For"

OK Sweden - you're next!

Just as soon as we get done in Iraq we're coming for you. "Why?" I hear you ask. Because the Swedes are importing British labourers into Stockholm and then using them as slaves on construction sites. Many of the young men have troubled backgrounds and/or learning difficulties. The practice has been brought to light by a programme on Sweden's TV4 television station.

And the British labour scandal is just the tip of the iceberg apparently as it also seems that the Swedish authorities are kidnapping Americans and forcing them to claim asylum!

How "green" fuels will destroy civilisation as we know it!

According to the Christian Science Monitor farmers in Mexico are changing much of their acreage from the agave plant to maize. The change is being driven by rising prices for corn caused by demand for ethanol as fuel. Before you read this and go "whatever" you should remember that the agave plant is the source of that holiest of beverages - Tequila!

Clearly the all knowing and invisible "hand of the market" has got this one very, very wrong indeed!

Major scientific breakthrough

A team led by Dr. Craig Venter and working out of Maryland in the US has succeeded in transplanted an entire genome from one organism to another effectively changing the species of the second organism and paving the way for artificial life.

The scientists in Dr. Venter's team want to quickly move on to a more challenging project and are believed to wish to attempt, through a similar genome transplant, to turn US Vice President "I'm a Big" Dick Cheney into a human being.

I do not believe this to be possible but then science has surprised me before!

From the department of "not really news"

My friends over at Family Security Matters are all excited about a new MSNBC poll that they claim proves the media is hard left cabal. The poll analysed the political contributions of writers, editors and other staff members of the "mainstream media", but not publishers, owners or executives - more on this later, to political candidates, political organisations and political action committees. And guess what, the results prove to FSM that these journalists gave more to hard left wing organisations like the Democratic Party than they did to mainstream organisations like the Republican Party.

These results are nothing new. Analysis of the worker bees of journalism has always shown a minor tilt towards liberal or progressive thinking. Had the analysis extended to the publishers and executives, i.e. those who actually control the content and direction of the publication or broadcaster, it would have undoubtedly found that this sample leaned at least at much to the right as the other sample did to the left.

So the conclusions that I draw from these data is that the published and broadcast bent of the American main stream media will reflect the proclivities of those in charge and therefore will lean slightly or materially to the right.

Over to you FSM!

Hugo must die!

Once again the clinically sane Rt. Reverend Pat Roberson suggests that someone ought to off Hugo Chavez although he was much more subtle this time. He also seems to take credit for having made Sr. Chavez famous.

Isn't Mr. Robertson past the mandatory retirement age yet and if not why not?

West end bomb foiled

Last night the Metropolitain Police "made safe" a car containing nails, gas canisters and petrol cans on Haymarket in the West End after a smoke was seen coming from the Mercedes and a man had fled the scene. The car had been parked outside the Tiger Tiger Nightclub.

As yet no group seems to have claimed responsibility nor has there any suggestion from the authorities as to who they suspect.

Welcome to the darkness

The Supreme Court of the United States, so carefully molded by the Decider(TM), has now proven to us it has taken a great big leap to the right. Its earlier decision in this session all suggested that this was so but yesterday's incredible decision to essentially overturn precedent and rule that race cannot be used to assign students to schools even when the desire is to increase diversity and decrease racial or ethnic segregation. By the Roberts court standards we must all become colour blind and, by an extension to this logic, all segregation will cease to exist as we become incapable of seeing race at all. The strength and coded contempt that is to be found in the dissenting opinions at least suggests that the struggle will continue. We just have to hope that under no circumstances do any additional justices, other than Scalia or Thomas, retire until the Decider(TM) is unemployed.

Christianity, civilisation and marriage doomed in the UK

Since they came into effect in 2005 there have been more than 18,000 civil partnerships, code for gay people, in the United Kingdom. The vast majority of these took place in England.

The end is nigh indeed!

Staggering blow to human rights in the EU

BREAKING NEWS: a pair of British drivers have lost a momentous case before the European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg that sees our freedoms eroded just that much further. Yes the court held, and I have no idea how the case got this far, by a vote of 15-2 (I want to know who those two were) that it is not a violation on one's human rights to have to name the driver of an automobile who has been caught violating speed limits by a speed camera.

Why do they hate freedom so?!

A rough week for the Saxe-Coburg-Gothas

First we learn that Liz's townhouse is falling apart and she can't seem to find the dosh to get the builders in and now we discover that young William Saxe-Coburg-Gotha is qualified for some silly ceremonial job in the antipodes.

I almost forget that it has also come to light that young William's pater's root veg isn't up to standard either.

From the City of Brotherly Death

Philadelphia is a city awash with legal and illegal guns. The murder rate leads the nation at more than one a day and there is little hope that it will decline now that the long hot summer is upon us. What crimes do the Philadelphia Police take seriously then? Illegal flute playing.

As I've said before I promise to come back to visit just as soon as my new Armani Kevlar suit arrives; and ear plugs in case I am assaulted by a flute.

A word on the "evil of fornication"

One simply does not expect this sort of controversy to rear its ugly head in Nebraska but nonetheless it seems that the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Omaha and the Creighton Center for Marriage and Family at Creighton University, which a Roman Catholic institution have determined that they have irreconcilable differences and must go their separate ways. It is uncertain whether the relationship was ever consummated and, if it was not, it is likely that the two would approach the Vatican for an annulment.

What has caused this terrible and tragic discord in what must otherwise have been an idyllic relationship? It seems that two members of the CCMF family published an article that suggested that if two engaged people lived together before getting married they were not necessarily on the direct route to Hell and Damnation and could in fact get into heaven like those who buy their way in.

I wonder who will get custody of the children?

In which I wax philosophical about lucky numbers

I always used to try and get the number "13" when I played team sports. It was my lucky number AND it was usually, for some unknown reason, available!

Reading this article made me wonder if there is any way I can get a lottery pick out of "28301-016".

Hide & seek in the Green Zone

A member of the Iraqi parliament has accused American authorities of sheltering the country's culture Minister Asad Kamal al-Hashimi who is wanted on charges of murder. MP Mithal al-Alusi contends that Mr. al-Hashimi remains in the Green Zone where he is under the protection of the US Embassy. Should Mr. al-Alusi's charges prove true this would certainly be unprecedented because the American government has never protected anyone accused of murder before. Or have they?

Believe or die!

Mrs. Decider(TM) has travelled all the way to Africa, which is like another country almost, to extol the virtues of letting Washington push Christianity down your throat in return for aid. According to Mrs. Decider(TM) "religious institutions bring a personal healing touch to the fight against AIDS" and "know very well the healing power of faith." They are also particularly good at ensuring that you cannot access or even have information about things that could save your life such as condoms. I reckon if God wants you to contract HIV/AIDS then She will see to it that you do; condoms or not.

Bush-o-logic

Step 1) Allow horse to escape.

Step 2) Close gate.

Got it?

What a brilliant idea!

Now I think I know what the permanent bases are for. The Decider(TM) has decided to decide that he has a new objective for the New Iraq: be be more like Israel. It is entirely possible that this should not be considered good news for either the Kurds or the Sunnis.

Is he drinking again? If he's looking for an ideal why not Sweden?

"You can stick your subpoenas where the sun don't shine!"

American President George W. Bush is a bit like a transformer isn't he? I mean with a couple of clicks he can morph from one character into another virtually seamlessly. He can be virtually anything one wants him to be with the possible exception of a thoughtful leader or a statesman. In the past he has shown himself to be the Decider(TM), Captain Codpiece and the Commander Guy. Now it seems he can also be Senor Stonewall.

It should be noted that when I say "Stonewall" I am not in any way refering to this Stonewall. I want to be very clear on that.

Coulter: 'mean' or hot?

The Daily Torygraph, a bastion of right wing thought since 1855, offers the following headline to a story about the confrontation between Elizabeth Edwards and Ann Coulter on MSNBC the other day: "Edwards's wife takes on 'mean' columnist". The single quotes around mean ar meant to signify that "we don't think she is mean and in fact we think she's quite hot". Even though the paper is no longer owned by Baron Black of Crossharbour, who is currently otherwise engaged, little seems to have changed.

Not Anne's car!

Pity poor Elizabeth Saxe-Coburg-Gotha. Her town house is in terrible disrepair; bits are falling off of it and one nearly hit her daughter's car; and she doesn't know where the money is going to come from to pay for the repairs as all of the available funds seem to have gone for the local school's sports day.

I might suggest that the deprived Ms. Saxe-Coburg-Gotha and her family use public transport a bit more whilst simultaneously cutting back on the helicopter trips and in less than one year they should have sufficient funds to glue the house back together.

A terrible personal dilemma

Should I purchase a copy of the hated Mail on Sunday in order to get my hands on the new Prince-an-artist-formerly-known-as-the-artist-formerly-known-as-Prince CD, possibly also irritating music retailers along the way, or wait for it to come out in the shops and pay full whack for it?

Round up a posse

Someone in Panama City Florida needs to make a citizen's arrest of the town's sheriff Frank McKeithen for his method of pursuing illegal aliens. He shows up at a construction site with about a half of dozen cruisers, lights flashing I imagine, and waits to see who runs. He then chases them and arrests them on some specious charges such as trespassing or loitering (can one run and loiter simultaneously I wonder). He then turns the names and addresses of anyone he suspects of being an undocumented worker to the immigration authorities. For some reason there is no mention of any arrests of employers for hiring these folks illegally but I sure that is just an oversight by an inexperienced journalist.

My kind of news

As I don't watch American telly, and not that much British telly either, I know next to nothing about Mika Brzezinski other than she is Zbigniew's daughter but I am entirely improve of her giving the Paris Hilton "story" the attention it truly deserves and that is none.

The Brown Year* - Day 1

Newly appointed and undoubtedly jubilant Prime Minister Gordon Brown is to have a super secret meeting with advisers today to discuss how to restore trust to politics. I have a few suggestions:

1) Begin the process of withdrawing British forces from Iraq and apologise to the Iraqi people and to the British people for the illegal invasion.

2) See to it that a meaningful investigation is conducted into possible corrupt practices relating to BAE Systems arms deals with Saudi Arabia. Prosecute both BAE officials and Saudi officials if, or more likely when, illegalities are discovered.

3) NO MORE FUCKING SPIN, OK?

4) Pursue the development of a cogent and written Constitution for the United Kingdom including specific delineation of the rights of citizens and the responsibilities of government.

5) Re-nationalise the railroads.

There is an awful lot more but these would be a good start.

6) Start the process of nuclear disarmament.

*Note: the singularity attached to "year" in the post title is not, I repeat not, a typographical error!

Gone-zo watch (day 100)

Yes indeedy!.We have reached triple figure days in our monitoring of the last hours that Bush succubus Alberto "Gone-zo" Gonzales's career as US Attorney General. Whilst we have been waiting for the door to hit him the arse on the way out the England cricket coach has resigned, although the England football coach has somehow survived, the British Attorney General has resigned and the British Prime Minister has gone off to attend to his Blairgacy. Does this guy have photos of the Decider(TM) doing something untoward with sheep perhaps?

(To be continued - unfortunately...)

The good Phillies news

Ryan Howard hit his 100th career home run last night making him the fastest ever to that milestone having reached it in his 325th game; sixty better than Ralph Kiner had managed. I think he's a keeper.

Congrats!

This should lose them a big chunk of their base

A "Christian" web site has taken a decidedly unscientific poll and found that 197 out of 339 Christians or 58% believe that other Christians should not drink beer as it is wrong. There is no information as to the rightness or wrongness of NASCAR. Perhaps that will be the next poll.

Guns don't kill people...

...rocks do. A fifty year old man in Arkansas is alleged to have intentionally shot and killed a 9 year old boy because the boy was throwing stones at his house. In the words of Jonathan Watts: "I've had it with these kids and the rock throwing." Fair enough then.

Do we let these people vote?

Hurry - there is still time!

If you order now you could still get one of these lovely barbeque accessories in time for the fourth of July! Visit NewMax now!

So close I can almost taste it

It is going to happen very, very soon. Like the moon landing or the JFK assassination it will be a "do you remember where you were?" moment to share with you grandchildren. The Phillies need only 8 more losses to be the first professional sports team to reach the coveted 10,000 loss plateau (or is it a valley or crevasse of some sort?).

And as long as there have been Phillies, or even Quakers as they were originally known, there have been Stringers, surprisingly "Yank in London" is not my real name, there to support them going all the way back to 1883.

I am afraid to think what that says about my genes!

In which I thank the Heritage Foundation...

...for their helpful article "Twelve Principles to Guide U.S. Energy Policy" by Stuart M. Butler, Ph.D., who has worked for the Heritage Foundation for nearly thirty years and therefore has a balanced view of life in general and energy in particular, and Kim R. Holmes, Ph.D., who used to work for the Decider(TM) and therefore has a balanced view of life in general and energy in particular. These twelve principles, with my interpretations in italics are as follows:

1) Avoid costly environmental regulatory mandates that will achieve little environmental gain. In other words avoid all environmental mandates.

2) Rely on the private sector's research and development capabilities. This helps your mates make money and avoids the complications involved in gagging government scientists who refuse to see the truth.

3) Urge government agencies to learn from the private sector. This can be accomplished by top bureaucrats and other officials by leaving the government for highly paid private sector positions as lobbyists.

4) Make all sources of energy within U.S. borders accessible. Fuck the trees, the animals, the forests, the tundra and anything else that gets in the bloody way.

5) Remove artificial constraints on the domestic energy infrastructure, including unnecessarily severe environmental regulations See number 1).

6) Ensure that any effort to reduce reliance on foreign oil is grounded in policies that are best for the economy. Your friends at ExxonMobil have already determined what is best for the economy so that you don't have to bother working this out for yourself. "I'm a Big" Dick Cheney has all of the appropriate phone numbers.

7) Manage risks to critical energy infrastructure as a responsibility shared jointly by the government and the private sector. In other words anything related to energy infrastructure that generates profit is shared by the private sector and anything in the same realm that generates loss is shared by the taxpayers.

8) Establish effective risk communications for energy issues. Make sure you have friends on the inside who can provide you with the appropriate information to allow you to maximise your portfolio through the purchase of energy futures at just the right time.

9) Develop foreign policies that thwart the capacity of coercive regimes to employ energy supplies as an economic weapon. If they won't do your bidding invade their countries, convert them to Christianity and execute anyone in the government who knows to much.

10) Sustain access to the global marketplace. See number 8).

11) Discourage restrictive international regimes See number 8).

12) Recognize that not all trading partners are equal. See number 8).

I hope that this helps!

They can have any colour they want as long as it's abstinence

This US State Department news release helpfully reminds us that "Education is the first step in fighting HIV/AIDS".

Just don't mention condoms. Or abortion. Or, ick, homosexuality.

In which I offer fashion advice

If you are about to do something unpleasant to someone it is best to be wearing pastels. It takes all the sting out of deportation.

Please raise your hands

This story about the European VIRGO laser interferometer which is designed to test aspects of Einstein's Theory of Relativity dealing with gravitational waves made me think of an ideal question for the next Republican Presidential debate.

"Who doesn't believe in the theory of gravity?" After all it is just a theory...

Erotophilia* alert!

Scientists at the Universidad de Granada in Spain have found that there is a strong relationship between sexual fantasies and sexual desire. What has desire got to do with it? One is meant to lie back and think of procreation damn it!

*Noun: "A positive emotional response to sexuality."

A dictatorship would be easier

The illegal and illicit government of Thailand, a loyal American ally, has put forward proposals for a new security law that will increase the power of the military, allow for the stopping, searching and arrest of anyone suspected of "sabotage, terrorism, cross-border crime, violence, propaganda, or incitement with the intent to cause unrest" and make civilian and military government officials immune from prosecution.

American government officials were said to be studying the proposal to see what they could learn from this "forward looking legislation" but have otherwise remained silent.

In which I rejoice in the good news

A new poll of young Americans reveals that they are listing to the left AND they are paying more attention to Presidential politics than the same age group did in 2004.

About bloody time! (But keep up the good work.)

In which I blame Jesus

Imagine the uproar if an American Muslim had killed his wife and children and then, before killing himself, had carefully placed a Qu'ran next to their bodies. I can already hear the "Islam is a religion of hate" and descriptions of it as backward and violent.

Curiously when a "Christian" American does it the silence is deafening.

What frightenes a terrorist?

If these folks are to believed they are most frightened by other terrorists. Four (white, Christian, patriotic) members of an Alabama militia pleaded guilty to federal charges yesterday but denied that they were anti-government, anti-immigrant and that they only had the guns and explosives because they were frightened of terrorist attacks in rural Alabama.

Curiously none of the charges against them were of the "terrorist" variety. I reckon they were just the wrong colour and/or wrong religion to attract that kind of prosecution.

A veritable festival of smegma

All of it courtesy of the vile and offensive 24/7 wearer of little cocktail dresses Ann Coulter.

1) The anorexic one attacks John Edwards because she believes that his job is not as honourable as hers.

2) The blonde bimbette attacks Barrack Obama because she doesn't think his name is as American as hers.

3) The right wing hag lies to John Edwards's wife Elizabeth and is generally unpleasant.

Isn't it about time we did something to ensure she loses her access to the media; after all she is just promoting her scholarly books and thoughtful personal appearances.

My apologies to anyone who ended up here after a search involving the word "smegma". I am terribly sorry but I fear you probably didn't find what you were looking for!

I have a question

When I was much, much younger I had two friends that lived on the edges of this field, one of them lived in the original Birmingham Meeting House, and we used to sneak into the field to get stoned. Will that still be allowed do you think?

Struggling with change in Philly

The City of Brotherly Love has installed some new style parking metres, late 20th century technology apparently, and the residents of that fair city are struggling. Maybe it is time for a congestion charge as well - just to keep things interesting!

In a trap of his own devising?

It is possible that the White House and perhaps the Attorney General might be able to fight off these subpoenas from the US Senate's Judiciary Committee over the illegal wiretap scandal but I think that Vice President and sole member of the heretofore unknown Fourth Branch of the US Government "I'm a Big" Dick Cheney is in trouble.

Surely he doesn't have the unmitigated gall to claim executive privilege now that he has declared himself free of the Executive Branch.

OK - maybe he does have the gall to try it but who will let him get away with it? It is now like this Democratic controlled Congress to roll over is it?

Why does the American Foreign Service Association hate freedom?

Michael Zorick is a former political officer at the US Embassy in Khartoum and a border line traitor. He was working there in 2005 and 2006 after the Decider(TM) and his minions had decided to decide that offering weapons and money to warlords in Somalia was the way forward in the Everlasting Global War on Terra. Mr. Zorick in his infinite wisdom thought otherwise and, in violation of his vow of servitude to Emperor George the Last of America, the Known World and the Universe as We Know It, he spoke out nearly causing the collapse of liberty throughout the galaxy. Now he has been feted for this treacherous behaviour by AFSA which has given him its William R. Rivkin Award.

This is a stitch up!

In a move that is likely to prove unpopular with the British and American intelligence communities, who had provided much of the "evidence" that was utilised to convict him, the man convicted of the bombing of a Pan Am flight over Lockerbie Scotland, Libyan national Abdelbaset Ali Mohmed Al-Megrahi, has been granted the right to appeal his conviction for a second time. After a three year investigation during which much of the evidence against him was found to be suspect and additional evidence came to light the Scottish Criminal Review Commission ruled that Mr. Al-Megrahi "may have suffered a miscarriage of justice". He has already spent over five years in prison.

"I'm very sorry but you're dead"

A word of caution to the friends and relations of one Mary Welsby of Albrighton in Shropshire: her funeral has been indefinitely postponed due to the unfortunate fact that, despite the opinion of her bank, she is alive. After having difficulty accessing the funds in her Abbey account she visited her local branch where she was told by a friendly member of staff: "I don't really know how to tell you this Mrs Welsby but according to our records, you are dead". According to the 77 year old Ms. Welsby: "It really was quite a shock to me. I'm 77 years old, a widow, and I simply don't know how I got home from that interview."

Perfectly understandable. She has finally received an apology from the bank and is awaiting the delivery of a new toaster in compensation.

Lucy - the tour

The fossilised remains of an example of Australopithecus afarensi, affectionately known as Lucy, have been approved to tour American museums for the first time over the objections of the Smithsonian Institute that the fossils are too fragile to tour. Unfortunately, due to scheduling difficulties, the remains are not going to be seen at the splendid new Creation Museum where she was to be displayed washing her pet dinosaur and playing with Cain and Abel. I am certain that all of the vistors to the Kentucky attraction will be bitterly disappointed.

Let's make a deal

Israel's suspended President Moshe Katsav has pleaded guilty to a set of reduced charges of sexual misconduct; the major charge against him, rape, was dropped. He, unlike the unfortunate Paris Hilton, will avoid jail time. He claims that he only agreed to the deal because he "prefers to save millions on legal defense and admit to these acts that might have been committed out of affection." I am sure that he had no friends amongst the prosecutors either.

It is good to be a top guy isn't it? I wonder if he gets his old job back.

Saving marrige - the Catholic way

Roman Catholics in the United States are set to launch a campaign to ensure that marriage remains a preserve that can only be occupied by one Roman Catholic woman and one Roman Catholic man who promise to raise all of their innumerable children as Roman Catholics and send them to Roman Catholic parochial* schools. They also need to spend their weekends playing bingo.

*Am I the only one who has never been able to figure out why the Catholic (meaning "general" or "universal") Church runs parochial (meaning "narrowly restricted in outlook or scope") schools?

"We're sorry madam - wrong war"

An 83 year old Pennsylvania woman by the name of Allys Boyer, the mother of a soldier who was killed whilst serving his country, has been denied a tour of the White House after the White House discovered that son was killed in Vietnam and not in Iraq or Afghanistan.

An unnamed White House official has denied that the tour was cancelled over this and has instead insisted that Ms. Boyer had been given several poor performance reviews and was known to be "lazy".

Guns don't kill people...

...burglar alarms do, or least they see to it that people get shot in the head! Let April Moylan be an example to you; if you want to feel safe make sure that you sleep with a loaded handgun under your pillow. A note to men: if you want to feel safe don't marry April Moylan.

Coming soon to a desert near you...

...a bigger and better desert. Up to a third of the earth's population could be under threat as deserts grow and push into areas that are currently inhabitable and arable. Access to water is going to become a larger and larger issue as the population increases and climate changes. So think again before you move to an area, think Arizona or Southern California for instance, where the population already exceeds the land's ability to sustain it. And don't build fucking golf courses in the desert either damn it!

Regressive taxation

Noted radical leftist, probable terrorist supported and known freedom hater American multi-billionaire Warren Buffet has
spoken out against the inequities of the American tax system. The response from the White House is expected to be "well just fuck off then".

Reading Rummy

He has already been hailed as a great if unconventional poet but now that he has more time on his hands it seems that former US Secretary of Defense may may turn his hand to a more traditional written form and write a memoir.

It is thought that the working title How My Arrogance and Incompetence Led to the Deaths of Hundreds of Thousands and Ruined the Prospects of Peace in the Middle East (but at Least My Friends Got Rich) is unlikely to make it to publication.

Some might call it progress

Attention Senator John McCain! Iraqi police have discovered twenty beheaded bodies on the banks of the Tigris and another twenty people were killed in a car bomb attack at a station in Baghdad. Fortunately all of those killed were brown people who will therefore not be counted in any official statistics.

The great divide

He's hardly been Prime Minister for one day and already the radical left wing atheistic agenda of the new man in charge, Gordon Brown, is driving wedges into what had been up until now the insignificant gap between the United States and the UK. Yesterday the British Ministry of Defence apologised to the homosexual members of the armed forces whose lives were unfavourably affected by the policy of discrimination and punishment that existed until the year 2000.

Meanwhile across the pond in response to a new study published in the Duke Journal of Gender Law and Policy that examines the impact of the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy as regards homosexuality in the US armed forces officials at the Pentagon were said to have stuck their fingers in their ears and said "na-na-na-na-na-na".

Il Papa's populist agenda

In a move that is unlikely to have a material effect on attendance in Roman Catholic churches the Pope has indicated that increased use of the old Latin mass is to be tolerated if not actually encouraged.

Perhaps he is just trying to get Mel Gibson and his dad back into the Catholic mainstream.

A good time to be (really filthy) rich

The Bush effect is clearly taking hold as the wealth of the world's mega-rich soared upwards at its fastest rate in the past seven years, and the past seven years have been good ones for these lucky few. These folks have become so important to themselves that they now have an inflation indicator all their own; the Cost of Living Extremely Well Index (CLEWI*). Unfortunately for the extremely wealthy the cost of the things that affect their lives most, designer handbags, tuition at Harvard University and filet mignon, rose at nearly twice the rate of normal inflation during the same period but not as fast as their wealth did!

*In a nod to Paris Hilton's new found importance amongst this elite group next year's CLEWI is set to include criminal defence attorney fees and bail costs but is to drop knickers, no matter how posh.

We're all city boys now

Well nearly most of us anyway. Sometime next year more of the planet's population will live in cities than in the countryside with urban growth being most acute in sub-Saharan Africa.

What does this mean? Probably more hunger, more poverty and more disease. Climate change will also most heavily affect those living in urban areas so it is a good thing that it doesn't exist. (The preceding sentence has been brought to you by ExxonMobil - "better living through exploitation, deceit and truly obscene profits".)

The right man for the job

Captain Codpiece has gone envoy mad all of a sudden. First he sees to it that his buddy St. Tony has found gainful employment as the newly appointed envoy to the Middle East representing "the Quartet". Now he has announced that he is to appoint an envoy to the 57 nation Organization of the Islamic Conference.

There is no word as yet as to who will be given the job. The Decider(TM) probably hasn't decided to decide. However given his penchant for those who are loyal and unpopular and to his apparent desire to ensure that his friends remain continuously employed I think I have know just the man. His old friend Paul Wolfowitz is just about to be unemployed. I am sure that Wolfie would fit right in after a short period of adjustment and cultural sensitivity training of course; you know how Muslims generally feel about holely socks.

How are we doing?

Not so well if the "we" in question is the United States. The Pew Global Attitudes Project has published the results of another of its polls of international opinion and what did they find?

Nobody likes America,

The state of the planet is becoming a primary concern (probably because of America).

The good news for the Decider(TM) is that there are now two people on the planet who are less popular than him: Russian President Vladimir Putin joins US Vice President "I'm a Big" Dick Cheney as a member of the world's most exclusive club.

The full details of the poll are are to be found here.

Does this mean that Father Xmas is a Ruski?

Taking advantage of geological "evidence" uncovered by a team of its scientists Russia has a large portion of territory in the Arctic near the North Pole.

Why would they bother one wonders? It is just a bunch of ice, soon to be water. Probably some bears and some fish. Oh, and lots and lots of oil and gas.

Bush on Blair

I think that the Decider(TM) is really going to miss his good mate St. Tony now that he is no longer the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. I mean what if Gordo doesn't use the same toothpaste the he does?

In any case the American President said some nice things yesterday, undoubtedly fighting back the tears, in a final tribute to his dear friend. He said that it was "silly ridicule" that St. Tony was the President's poodle because "he's bigger than that". (I picture him as more in the line of an English Setter I imagine: somewhat inbred with a tendency to drool uncontrollably, slavishly devoted to his master, shedding hair everywhere and ultimately mad as a hatter). Mr. Bush went on to say that "somehow our relationship has been seen as Bush saying to Blair, 'Jump' and Blair saying, 'How high?'". I had always pictured their relationship as more along the lines of Blair cozying up to Bush and humping his leg at every opportunity.

Gone-zo watch (day 99)

US Attorney General and Bush succubus Alberto "Gone-zo" Gonzales has now been identified as the "Angel of Death" in testimony by former US Prosecuting Attorney Paul K. Charlton before the US Senate's Judiciary Committee. Mr. Charlton said that Gone-zo was overzealous in his desire to see the "ultimate penalty" applied in Federal cases. Then again Mr. Charlton was sacked so why should we believe him?

(To be continued...)

The Emperor's new car

Bryan Batulis Jr. was naked; and driving a car; and trying to run down police officers. All at the same time. He may spend so time inside.

This all happened in GONZALES Louisiana. What exactly did the Attorney General have to do with this?

This is not going to make them any friends in the Bush adminstration

The government of Brazil plans to make the morning after pill available to poor women. Murder AND socialism in one pronouncement! Haven't they seen the light?

Shorter Rudy Giuliani

"Only I am capable of fighting the Global War on Terra! None of the others can; especially not the cowardly Democrats!"

Now for the important stuff!

What a truly momentous week it has been. First Paris Hilton has emerged from her cruel and unjust imprisonment as a changed woman; one who might even wear her knickers occasionally and only get pissed if the chauffeur is available to drive her and Brittany home. Now the truly great news that the Spice Girls are back.

I can finally die a contented man!

Meanwhile in the City of Brotherly Death...

...the murder toll has 199 for the year. If you read the entire article you will notice that Philadelphia Police were quick to point to the fact that there have only been 199 murders, and not 201 as some fantasists contend, because of the Police Department's view that two of the killings were "justifiable".

I'm glad that everything is under control and I will come home to visit just as soon as my new Armani Kevlar suit arrives.

I don't see what the Germans are so upset about...

...I think that this is an admirable promotion for breast feeding.

"Je ne suis pas un citoyen comme les autres!"

Former French President Jacques Chirac has deigned to testify before a panel of judges about a fund raising scandal when he was the Mayor of Paris but only because it touches on events back when he was, in his words, "a citizen like any other".

Is he related to "I'm a Big" Dick Cheney in any way?

Since I am leaving

Suddenly, now that he is leaving office on St. Tony's coattails, British Attorney General is demanding that there be an inquiry into the use of torture by British troops in Iraq.

Perhaps on his last day, whenever that might be, US Attorney General "Gone-zo" Gonzales will demand an inquiry into illegal wiretaps, corruption in Iraq and no bid contracts, torture and any of 100 other things that his co-workers might have been up to.

Adieu St. Tony

Finally he is gone and he got a standing ovation on the way out. You can make up your own mind as to whether the ovation for him because he was leaving or simply because he was leaving. I hope there was some suitable music played on the way out, Elgar perhaps, as the forlorn members of the House of Commons reached out hoping to manage a touch of his magic robes.

Gone-zo watch (day 98)

US Attorney General and Bush succubus Alberto "Gone-zo" Gonzales is on the road this week and he is being stalked in Seattle and in, of all places, ever radical Idaho.

(To be continued and I fear we will reach triple figures in days - at least we can't reach four figures unless Bush declares martial law and never leaves office. We all know that that could never happen. Right? Right? Right?)

Running the government like a business

Good old George. Maybe he did learn something at Harvard Business School whilst he was being given his MBA. It seems that the government is becoming more and more like private enterprise by the day as bosses see their bonuses increasing, quite probably without any tangible results to justify the increases, whilst the actual work gets outsourced.

Well done. Now it is time for the private equity buyout I would imagine.

"I defect!"

Brown is off the mark with a bang. He's not even moved into Number 10 Downing Street as yet and already Prime Minister Gordo has increased his party's majority by one as it has been announced that MP Quentin Davies has left the New Tories behind and taken up the whip of New Labour. It also tells us how right wing New Labour is these days that this shift is even possible. Mr. Davies took a shot at Young David Cameron on his way across the floor by telling him that "under your leadership the Conservative Party appears to me to have ceased collectively to believe in anything, or to stand for anything". He has dealt with this problem by leaving a party that claims to stand for something but ultimately does not to join a party that doesn't even go so far as to make the claim in the first place.

The greeness of Prince Chuck

Prince Charles has disclosed his carbon footprint for the first time and revealed that his household has been carbon neutral since 2005.

A unnamed source within the Prince's household let it be known that efforts to make the Prince "talking complete fucking bollocks neutral" has proved to be a much greater task than at first thought and that it will "take many, many years" before that target will be met if it can be met at all!

Bush dreams crushed...

...as "RCMP tightens intelligence standard" thereby ending the Captain Codpiece's hopes of becoming a Mountie after he steps down in 2009 or, God willing, if forced out sooner.

Two bad actors

Tony Blair has decided to round out his last day in office by holding talks with the doyen of international diplomacy California's Gropenator Arnold Schwarzenegger. WTF? How is that going to help the Blairgacy Tony? Unless of course you are just lining up a part as a British villain in Terminator IV, V or VI!

Yank in London's investment advice

If you were thinking of selling off your shares in BAE Systems, the British merchant of death, I hope that you did so yesterday because today is not likely to be a good day to do so. The US Department of Justice (gee whiz Gone-zo is doing something!) has opened an investigation into alleged corrupt practices in their dealings with Saudi Arabia. The British government's investigation was killed by the Attorney General under orders from Downing Street using "national security" as the rationale. The US investigation is likely to go the same way once the Decider(TM) finds out the risk it will pose to his bestest boyfriend Saudi Prince Bandar.

Is the second Aboriginal War about to break out?

The mildly racist proposals by the Australian government to halt the sale of pornography and alcohol to Aborigines in the Northern Territory has led the native people of Australia to threaten a ban on the climbing of Uluru, aka Ayers Rock, unless the proposals are scrapped. Already some natives are fleeing their homes as they believe that the army is coming to take away their children and their land. The former is probably not true but I wouldn't be so sure about the latter.

"Your beating is not news I say!"

Former CBS Evening News producer Richard Jefferson is suing the network over claims that he was being prevented from speaking publicly about a meeting that he received because he is gay. Mr. Jefferson was on holiday in St. Maarten last year with another network employee when the two were beaten severely by locals and the police refused to investigate. When CBS expressed no interest in covering the story of either the assault or the lack of a criminal investigation Mr. Jefferson took the story to rivals ABC and MSNBC. He claims to have been told by a senior network VP that he had to stop speaking about the incident because it was "controversial".

I wonder what Bill O'Reilly's posture will be on this. Recently he has been quite outspoken about the coverage given to the Iraq War by networks other than Faux News. I suspects he would think that this story should not be reported because it will overshadow all of the good things happening in St. Maarten and that in any case it would only encourage the homosexuals.

With this snip I thee wed

Sadness reigns in Salt Lake City as the wedding of young lovers Layne D. Hess and Jody Johnston has been cancelled. After this terrible news the two had to go to court to settle a few odds and ends related to the unhappy break up and Mr. Hess learned yesterday that he could not recover the vasectomy he had given her as an engagement present.

It is just as well that these family haters, obviously not interested in the only reason to have sex with anyone - procreation, did not get hitched. It would have ruined all the other marriages in Utah if not the entire West of America.

Rich white's trash

I have rarely been surprised by the results that come back when I do a Google search for paris+hilton+trash, and trust me this is one of the small pleasures of my life, but today I was startled to find this article as one of my choices. I have to run now; EBay beckons.

Captain Codpiece v the high school kids

What is going on? Suddenly so many of my favourite people are being out flanked by high school kids. Yesterday, during a meeting that our President was having with a number of participants in the Presidential Scholar programme, he was handed a letter signed by fifty of the attendees, who are by the way the kind of kids who can get into Harvard and Yale without Daddy's help, urging that "violations of the human rights" of American detainees be stopped. There is no report of the President's response, it is possible that his earpiece wasn't working or that Karl Rove was taking a piss at the time, but later in the day White House spokeswoman Dana Perino said that the Decider(TM) told the young men and women that "the United States does not torture and that we value human rights". Ms. Perino went on to say that "the designation as a Presidential Scholar is one of the nation's highest honors for graduating high school students...the scholars travel to Washington each June for seminars, lectures and workshops". She apparently left the "and not to give the President a raft of shit" unsaid.

Snigger, snigger

Loofah Man gets out smarted by a 16 year old.

America, how are you feeling?

The US government's Centers for Disease Control have released data that show that the number of Americans living without health insurance jumped by two million people between 2005 and 2006. There are now approximately 43.6 million Americans, a number not far short of the population of England, uninsured.

I am sure that when questioned about this Tony Snow will reassure us that these 2 million folks are all taxpayers who have received so much benefit from the Bush tax cuts that they have decided that they are better off being self-insured now that they are living off the fat of the land. Alternatively we may find that the Wal-Mart payroll has gone up by 2 million year on year.

I wonder if green ham is good as well

According to a study carried out by David Benton, a professor of psychology at Swansea University, the best start to the day for students would be a German (or Dutch) style breakfast of ham and cheese. Students eating this meal in the morning had the best "memory, work rate and attention levels" according to Benton.

Unfortunately the students also experienced an overwhelming desire to find a pool at 7 AM and cover the chairs with beach towels.

The Decider(TM) isn't going to want to hear this!

St. Tony hasn't even moved out of Number 10 as yet and already the "special relationship" is starting to look wobbly. Yesterday the Foreign Secretary Margaret Beckett called on the US and Russia to reduce their nuclear arsenals and take steps towards disarmament. Why does she hate freedom so?

Don't they have schools of their own to go to?

Homosexual bullying is rife in British schools with upwards of 150,000 gay pupils experiencing some sort of intimidation or violence because of their sexual preference, often at the hands of teachers and staff.

Well if they don't like they should just change like that nice Ted Haggard did!

Yet another ship jumper

It seems that Captain Codpiece has now lost the support to Republican Indiana Senator Richard Lugar, a stolid conservative and loyal (until now) Bushie, at least as far as the war in Iraq is concerned. Yesterday he said that it was time to start drawing down troop levels in the country. He must have something else to do in September when we are supposed to be able to see the vast improvements brought on by the "surge". Luger is quoted as saying:

"In my judgment, the costs and risks of continuing down the current path outweigh the potential benefits that might be achieved...Persisting indefinitely with the surge strategy will delay policy adjustments that have a better chance of protecting our vital interests over the long term."

At least they knew who she was

Ex-director of the US Environmental "Protection" Agency and former Garden State Governor Christine Whitman was greeted with boos and catcalls when she testified yesterday before a Congressional committee. She was grilled about her service at the EPA just after the terrorist attacks in 2001 and her comments at the time that the air in NY was safe. I'm not sure but I think her defence was that it was safe but not necessarily for breathing.

I, for one, think this is progress...

...because in my day the schools used to gay our the blacks rather than blacking out the gays.

Well it's a step in some direction anyway.

A free market success story

It is a rare but beautiful thing to have the opportunity to see the benign and all-knowing "invisible hand of the market" at work. Now we have such a chance. We only have to look to Afghanistan where farmers, freed from the restraints that the ousted Taliban government put on their crop choices, have identified a need for high quality opium products for the world market and they have responded admirably. This huge increase in supply will cause worldwide wholesale and retail prices to fall allowing for ever greater profit margins and greater access to these fine products for all consumers.

It just doesn't get any better than this. When you are walking down the street in Philadelphia, London, Sydney or Berlin and you see a young and obviously learning junkie shooting up in a doorway you will have a deeper understanding of the magnificent forces that made his or her transformation possible.

"How do you keep your teeth so blonde?"

The state of Britain's teeth has long been a source of jokes for virtually any other nationality with the possible exception of the Irish but of late many Brits, especially the young have been taking better care of their choppers and work to attain that lustrous American whiteness. It seems some manufacturers have overstepped the mark in trying to meet the increasing demands of this marks as Trading Standards officers have found hydrogen peroxide levels up to 230 times over the legal limit in tooth whitening kits. In all 18 out of 20 kits tested exceeded the legal limits.

But at least the folks who used these kits had happy shiny teeth and that is all that matters. Image is everything.

How the American right can learn from Iraq

The Iraqi government has issued an arrest warrant for its own Minister of Culture Asaad Kamal al-Hashemi on charges related to terrorist offences. Mr. al-Hashemi, a member of the Iraqi Islamic Party, is believed to currently be sojourning in Syria and was not available for detention.

There are those on the right in America who have long been desirous of getting rid of the National Endowment for the Arts, an obvious hot bed of communistic atheist homosexuality. I suggest that they follow the lead of the Iraqis and build on this link between culture and terrorism. Once that association is firmly established in the minds of the American there should be little or no resistance to sending a group of balaclava-ed men in black SUVs with smoked windows to whisk the entire staff of the NEA off to the luxurious Guantánamo Bay Beach and Leisure Resort or other suitable holiday destination beyond the reach of the American courts. After all they are evil doers aren't they?

"Sie sind nicht hier willkommen!"

Pity poor diminutive Tom Cruise. He just wanted to make a film about the plot to assassinate Hitler and the production company wanted to use a German military base for some of the filming."Nein!" said the Bundeswehr. "Why not?" asked young Tom. Because you have "publicly professed to being a member of the Scientology cult". I reckon that settles it.

Meanwhile back at home things aren't going much better for him as he has been accused of being a Devil worshipper by a Christian group, called "The Resistance", of which I had not previously been aware. According to Mark Dice, author of The Resistance Manifesto, or the Resistafesto as I have lovingly nicknamed it:

"Yes, Tom Cruise worships Satan. I don’t say this as an insult, or as an ad hominem attack. I seriously and literally mean he worships Satan, although most occultists, call him Lucifer the light bearer."

Must be time for another Mission Impossible!

Africa's praiseworthy nimbyism

The United States, with an eye ever gluing to oil reserves, wants to build a massive military presence in Africa in order to stamp its neo-colonial authority on the a continent whose importance as a energy supplier is growing in leaps and bounds. But wait a minute; not so fast buddy. It seems that the Africans are all that excited at the prospect of hosting Africom*, as it will be called, despite the considerable economic stimulus it would provide.

Compare and contrast the headlines. TheWashington Post headlines its article with "North Africa Reluctant to Host US Command" whereas the Guardian chooses the more negative "Africa united in rejecting US request for military HQ". We report - you decide!

*Will Africom have a website at www.africom.com? I think it's available should anyone wish to make the investment.

A blinding start

Newly elected New Labour Deputy Leader Harriet Harman has gone far to prove her political gifts by executing a peerless volte face in her first 24 hours in the job. On the 14th of June, whilst appearing on a Newsnight gathering of the various contenders for the deputyship, she had said that the party should apologise for the Iraq debacle; yesterday she said that she had never said it. Well done Harriet; you will do well.

By the way as she is succeeding John "Two Jags" Prescott in the job she will need a nickname of some sort. Perhaps "Two Faces" might do until we come up with something better.

In case you were wondering it seems that the Daily Mail doesn't think that she is a good choice for the job; at least I think that's what "bleating, hectoring and finger wagging vote loser" means.

St. Tony's Poison Grail

There was a time when you could have convinced me that Tony Blair could have acted as an honest broker in peace negotiations in the Middle East. Now that he is clearly viewed, by the Arab community at least, as a mouthpiece for GW Bush those days are long behind us and this idea that he should be a peace envoy based in Jerusalem clearly ought to be a non-starter. I can only imagine that the former Prime Minister will snatch at the opportunity with one eye on the Blairgacy and the other on a Nobel Prize.

I hope it works out for you Tony now just fuck off out the country will you mate?

Gone-zo watch (day 97)

US Attorney General and Bush succubus Alberto "Gone-zo" Gonzales has been awarded the coveted "Sitting Duck Award" by America's newspaper columnists. Well if he is such a sitter why the hell is he still employed. He joins "Anorexic" Ann Coulter and former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld who are former recipients of the award.

(To be continued...)

This is an order!

I have a proposal for those who believe it is a good idea to make "English"* the official language of the United States. I agree with you that ALL IMMIGRANTS must learn the language native to the land to which they emigrate. I therefore put forward the follow executive order to be known as Yank in London Executive Order Number 1:

1) All immigrants to the region of North America now known as the United States of America have a moral and cultural obligation to learn the native language. This requirement applies to all immigrants and their descendants. Therefore each and every American citizen or resident whose family line is not native to North America must learn the local language.

2) These families will have the choice of learning the native language that is appropriate for the region in which their family first settled, the native language that is appropriate for the region in which they currently live or a default language of Cherokee. (I have chosen Cherokee as it was the first Native American language to develop its own written form.)

3) Each family member of sixteen years and older will be required to learn this language in the twelve months following this announcement. Should they fail to do so they will be deported to the country of their origin following the paternal line. If that can not be traced they will be sent to Iraq, Afghanistan or North Korea. Individuals who risk torture or murder in the country of their origin are exempt from the deportation penalty and will instead be sent to the luxurious government run holiday destination known as the Guantánamo Bay Beach and Leisure Resort. (Note: for the purposes of this programme we are using the "I'm a Big" Dick Cheney definition of "torture" so don't even try to beg off using "enhanced interrogation techniques" as an excuse!)

4) Twelve months from the date of this announcement all communication with federal, state and local governments will have to be communicated only in the language selected. No translations or translators will be available to assist you.

5) All political discourse including but not limited to legislative or campaign debates, newspaper commentary and television and radio talk shows must be conducted in one or more of the approved languages.

6) All new legislation must be written in one or more of the approved languages; no English, Spanish or Latin phrases may be used.

7) Election ballots can be written in any of the approved languages but no translation assistance or poll support in other languages may be provided.

8) Exemptions: any and all American citizens or residents who can trace any of their bloodlines to an individual who was forced, under duress or imprisonment, to leave their native land and come to America are exempted from all of the requirements of this order and may use the language of their choice.

9) Non-exemptions: George Walker Bush (aka "The Decider(TM)", aka "The Commander Guy", aka "Captain Codpiece")and Richard Bruce Cheney (aka "I'm a Big Dick", aka Mephistopheles) as well as all heterosexual members of their families are explicitly NOT TO BE EXEMPTED from any provision of this order under any circumstances.

Well I'm going to sign off now as I reckon you all will need to get cracking on the revision straightaway.

*Note: it is recognised that these misguided souls do no actually mean "English" and are referring instead to the primitive and intellectually deficient English dialect known as "American".

Lurching ever right wards

Get used to it. The Bush legacy may be written in Iraqi blood but it is written on bench at the US Supreme Court. In a 5-4 decision this morning the Roberts court ratcheted down controls on free speech just a wee bit more in the "Bong Hits for Jesus" case. I haven't read the opinion or the dissents as yet.

Very sad local news

I just cannot believe that this happened in genteel, middle class Beckenham.

Next stop disbarment

Custom Cleaners of Washington DC have won a court case in which they were sued by Judge Roy L. Pearson for 54 million USD because they lost a pair of his trousers; obviously his "lucky" ones. Judge Pearson also has to pay the cleaners' costs.

Now it is time for the District of Columbia Bar Association to nudge him into genteel retirement.

Repent and ye will be saved - just stay over there - you can't be saved over here

Ex-Judge Roy Moore explains to us how Jesus loves those dang immigrants but only if they stay on their side of the dotted line!

Off the chart nuttiness!

I do enjoy my weekly email from Alan Keyes's Renew America organisation. There is always something of interest if not always, or even often, something sensible. This week's gem is the argument that somehow Bush is not right-wing-nutty enough because of his approval for research using pluripotent* stem cells because one John Jalsevac believes that they can (Presto! Changeo!) somehow morph into full grown humans.

Perhaps it explains the "immaculate conception".

*Note: watching the Commander Guy's statement after he vetoed the stem cell bill I was amused at how hard he had to work to pronounce this word the same way each time he said it. Clearly he had heard the word used for the first time not long before he went on camera and at the last minute his aides couldn't find a reasonably synonym in the Oval Office Thesaurus.

JK Rowlings secret paln to undermine America's youth!

At least that's how Steve Wohlberg of Fresno California sees it. According to Wohlberg:

"There's plenty of real occultism embedded in Rowling's fantasy works...and in spite of naïve popular opinion, Pottermania is aiding Wicca's growth...Occultism has a dark side and practitioners can easily become trapped like a fly in a spider web."

You have been warned.

Now I've off to play a little quidditch and perhaps summon up some "nature spirits". Do you reckon they can do anything about the weather?

A taste of evil

This week the Washington Post is running a series on the influence and power of US Vice President "I'm a Big" Dick Cheney who the paper rightly describes as the "most influential and powerful man ever to hold the office of vice president". Yesterday's article focused on how he, like all of the great villains of the past, prefers to work in the shadows out of the light of day. Today's, which I have not yet read, features his contribution to the creation of America - the Torture State.

Yet to come pieces on his influence on the budgetary process and Cheney's stranglehold on environmental policy or, perhaps more accurately, the lack thereof.

Any entomologists out there?

I don't know how to break this to the Chimp in Chief but I have uncovered conclusive proof that the Decider(TM) is not a member of Pan troglodytes. It seems that chimpanzees are altruistic so we will have to look elsewhere to find a home for the current White House resident.

It's June....

...it's cold. It's wet. It's windy.

Is something going on in SW19? Good thing they are getting a roof!

The Republican Presidential candidates - a British view

I think it only fair to do for (to?) the Republican Presidential candidates what I have already done for (to?) their Democratic counterparts and speculate as to where these candidates might fall on the British political spectrum. The Republicans are more difficult as so many of them take positions that either simply don't exist in British politics or exist only on the periphery. Well here goes anyway. The sequence is alphabetical.




Senator Sam Brownback (KS) - already a tricky one - if he were not Catholic one could fit his bizarre attitudes and positions into the Ulster Unionist Party. As he is a Catholic I can only suggest that he stay away for what would otherwise be a possible fit and instead hang about on the distant far right reaches of the Conservative Party; he will of course be lost on the back bench in David Cameron's new user friendly (practically socialist) Tories. Additionally any politician who holds his hand up when asked if he doesn't believe in evolution would be laughed off of the political stage.




Former Governor Jim Gilmore (VA) - I know very little about him but from what I have just read on the web he would seem fit as a right wing or far right wing Tory and firmly on the backbench.





Former Mayor of New York and America Rudolph Giuliani (NY) - Rudy presents difficulties fitting into British politics for a number of reasons. First there is virtually no platform from which a local politician can leap onto the national stage. The one exception to this might be the Mayor of London but this is "Red" Ken's territory and he is not likely to give it up. In any case Rudy's "No Tolerance" approach would never fly in London which according to the United Nations is the most ethnically diverse city in the world. We like tolerance. We want tolerance. We are not giving up on tolerance. The upside for Rudy in London would be that no one would give a shit about his penchant for transvestism and there should be no problem finding him a flat share with a couple of queers in Soho. Secondly his views, as you probably already know, are all over the place; running the gamut from mildly liberal to hard right. He could be on the far right of New Labour - sort of a David Blunkett without a guide dog on somewhere in the middle of the Tory party. In any case he would be considered well right of centre here.





Former Governor Mike Huckabee (AK) - again a relatively unknown quantity to me - my internet research tells me he would be an obscure backbencher on the right of the Tories. Like Brownback he has a fatal evolutionary flaw.













Congressman Duncan Hunter (CA) - again I don't know a whole lot about Congressman Hunter either but I am spotting a trend after a bit of internet research. I am afraid I must exile him to the right wing Tory back benches as well.





Senator John McCain (AZ) - like Rudy he can be all over the place but in British terms he is only all over the right. At his advanced age there would be no place for him in Young David's Nouveau Tories so off to the right wing back benches with him!





Congressman Ron Paul (TX) - Britain really hasn't got a libertarian party although there is a libertarian element in both the Tories and in the United Kingdom Independence Party, an anti-Europe, anti-immigration isolationist party. Mr. Paul would either be on the far right of the libertarian Tories or in the centre of UKIP.













Former Governor Milt Romney (MA) - it might be possible that Young David could find some minor front bench role for the Governor but he wouldn't be prominent and would be considered probably just to the right of centre within the Tory party.








Congressman Tom Tancredo (CO) - given his bizarre anti-immigrant bent, he is obviously not native American, there is only one place for Tom - UKIP - although it is possible that he has had a flirtation with the British National Party. His rightness is practically off the British scale. He also suffers from the aforementioned fatal evolutionary flaw.






Former Senator and former actor Fred Thompson (TN) - obviously Fred has been following the career of Coronation Street's wannabe-MP Adam Rickitt with great interest. He would probably make Young Dave's front bench if only for his booming voice. Even so he would be well to the right of his leader and most of the party.






Former Governor and former cabinet secretary Tommy Thompson (WI) - as I have grown tired of this plethora of Republicans I will only say he would be right wing Tory and too old and unattractive for the front bench.

Incoming PM Brown blasphemes St. Tony

He calls Blair's divinely inspired decision to illegally invade Iraq "divisive"! This will not do! This will not do at all!

Life outside the "reality based community"

Captain Codpiece attends an Xmas show in June; asks why there's never a white Xmas anymore.

Why does Elizabeth Edwards hate marriage and want to destroy America?

I think that is a legitimate question to ask of anyone who has the temerity to say, out loud, "I don't know why someone else's marriage has anything to do with me".

Well if she doesn't understand the answer to that and her husband does not make her submit to him "as to the Lord" (Ephesians 5:22) then his candidacy is toast.

Misleading headline of the day (part the second)

The venerable Financial Times tell us in a headline from today's paper "Blair to face down calls for referendum" without actually mentioning that he only has to do that through Tuesday at which point he becomes a Roman Catholic backbencher!

Misleading headline of the day

I don't mean to pick on the Daily Torygraph, although I do find it relaxing, and I could have picked almost any story about the the Canadian Anglican Church from any publication and got the same result. Nonetheless I have chosen the Torygraph for their headline in today's paper that crows "Anglicans vote against same-sex blessings". In fact Canadian Anglicans, in the form of the laity, DID VOTE FOR the blessings as did the Anglican clergy. It was only the vote of the church's bishops, undoubtedly worried that they won't get invited to the best parties the next time they visit Africa, that prevented the proposal from being adopted.

Local churches are almost certain in some cases to ignore the prohibition and proceed with the ceremonies anyway.

Mission dis-complished

The non partisan think tank the International Crisis Group has said that American and British political efforts in Iraq are failing and that the country faces collapse unless the coalition of the fleeing learns from its mistakes and helps to build a "functional and legitimate state". And now for the bad news....