Bonne année

Americans (and Canadians) of a certain age know that it's just not New Year's without Guy Lombardo.




Try not to drink any more than absolutely necessary!

Today in science

Scientists at the Max Planck Institute for Human Cognitive and Brain Sciences in Leipzig may have accidentally stumbled on the secret to Captain Codpiece's success; a mutated gene that can cause those who have it to be "stubborn and never..,learn from their mistakes. Calls for this to be known as the "Bush mutation" have so far gone unheeded.

Vote Huckabee!

He's the only self declared prophet running for President.

Uh-oh!

I think we might be in trouble!

Let there be light...

...and there was light. The residents of the Scottish Isle of Eigg are to get mains electricity for the first time; all 87 of them. Good on 'em, I say.

A note of warning

The reign of Captain Codpiece has shown us that the "wall of separation" between church and state in America is crumbling. (After all God told him to invade Iraq didn't She?) Another taste of this comes in the form of this story from the Salt Lake City Tribune that former Utah governor Mike Leavitt overtly discussed injecting Mormon theology into his governance of the Beehive State.

To me this is not about Mormonism or Christianity but a warning that any candidate for high office who takes his religion to seriously, who considers his obligations to his church or his God(s) greater than those of the electorate he serves, must be considered a danger to American democracy.

You have been warned!

Will he or won't he?

A couple of months ago most of America's pundits would have said that there was no chance that New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg would make an independent run for the US presidency in 2008. Now that no longer looks a safe bet.

If he does, who will it damage most? On the face of it one would think the Republican candidate, especially if they pick someone too far right or excessively Christian, would lose the votes of more centrist, sensible party members but there is always the risk that a Bloomberg bid could through New York's electoral votes into play and I can't see anyway for the Dems to win without New York.

This will have to be watched.

Today in infamy - fast boat to china edition

On this day in 1999 the United States turned control of the Panama Canal over to the government of Panama, the country from which it was stolen. There is still no word on when Panama is to be returned to Colombia.

One might ask how this anniversary affects the race for the US Presidency in 2008. That is still unclear but I do know that at least one Republican hopeful was against it at the time.

Progress report

Well the Iraqi government is finally learning. It isn't the news; it's the way you present it. They have announced that they are increasing the "hours of lack of electricity".

Getting better all the time.

For your listening pleasure

Capercaillie - "Coisich A Rùin"

In praise of Chicago

From Tuesday the city will start collecting a five cent a bottle tax on what is conceivably the world's most ridiculous and wasteful product, bottled water. Now I am not averse to a bottle of proper, naturally effervescent mineral water with a good meal and understand that in some circumstances one needs to buy a bottle when one is out and about but when I see people at the supermarket buying dozens of bottles to take home to drink, possibly to avoid the arduous trek from the settee to the kitchen tap, it makes my head want to explode.

What I won't be getting for my birthday

A shuttle launch.

In which I agree with Fred Thompson

It seems that the ex-actor and current Republican presidential hopeful is "not particularly interested in running for president" and I am not particularly interested in Fred Thompson running for president.

Headline of the day

"One-legged man caught running away after robbing German bank"

Today in infamy

One year ago todaySaddam Hussein al-Tikriti was rather hastily executed. Now there are so many things we will never know.

A word to the wise

Now I am not a lawyer but I am nearly certain that if one is a 73 year-old pastor who has already pleaded guilty to sexually abusing a 4 year-old girl one is probably not going to avoid a custodial sentence by claiming that the little vixen was just begging for it.

It's a Kristol-ganza!

Now that we know that His Smugness, neo-con "pundit" Bill Kristol has been hired by a newspaper he once wanted arrested for treason, even if no one is sure how one goes about arresting a newspaper, Media Matters provides us with a virtual smörgåsbord of his most insightful moments Enjoy.

For your listening pleasure

Perhaps the greatest cover version of all time from Jimi Hendrix (who I have accepted as my personal saviour) and "All Along the Watchtower"

Today in infamy

One hundred and seventeen years ago today a lawless group of heavily armed illegal immigrants masacreed over one hundred and fifty loyal Americans at Wounded Knee.

All Rudy - all of the time

One of his campaign workers tells us that he is the only man who can chase dem crazy Muslims back to their caves.



And he himself has a cozy little chat with us. ("Did I mention 9/11? I think I forgot to mention 9/11? I didn't forget to mention 9/11, did I?")

did i mention 911

Who does he think he serves?

The American people or the Iraqi government? He doesn't seem to understand the concept of a client state. And it's not even a real veto (his magic veto pen must have run dry); he's claiming that the Congress is adjourned when it isn't! If only there were some way to get rid of this guy.

First came the iPod...

...and it was good...then came the iPhone...and it was good...now meet the iSnake (not an Apple Corporation product).

A Catholic Church for the (first) millennium

On the explicit orders of Il Papa Roman Catholic Bishops are setting up rapid deployment exorcism squads to fight back against the legions of Satan!

(Note: I may have made up the "rapid deployment" part - but the rest is true!)

A man can dream, can't he?

Am I getting overly excited at the prospect of Crystal Palace heading up into the promotion zone soon? With today's win away at Sheffield United we've managed 16 points from our last 6 matches.

Meanwhile in Iceland...

...Dagrún Thorsteindóttir accidentally swallowed an Xmas decoration and had to be taken to casualty. See - Xmas is dangerous!

Philadelphia: your attention please!

If you are not otherwise engaged tomorrow, and it's not as if the Eagles are going anywhere this year, you might want to join John Nirenberg outside Independence Hall (13:00 - 15:00). Mr. Nirenberg is walking from Boston to Washington to confront Nancy Pelosi and demand the impeachment of Captain Codpiece. Go on. It's worth a couple of hours, isn't it? You can always pop down to Jim's on South Street for a cheese steak afterwards. (If you do - please don't tell me how good it was! I have a serious craving.)

The Pakistanis are coming! The Pakistanis are coming!

Thank God for Mike Huckabee. If it wasn't for the former governor of Arkansas we would be blissfully unaware of the dangers of unusual Pakistanis trying to infiltrate the United States in the wake of the assassination of Benazir Bhutto.

In praise of Battleboro VT

The Vermont town is being asked to make Captain Codpiece and his evil sidekick "I'm a Big" Dick Cheney subject to arrest should either one visit the town in the future. For reasons that may now be self-evident Vermont is the only state that Captain Codpiece has not visited since stealing the Presidency in 2000. This is unlikely to change but it is a perp-walk that I would pay big money to see!

Bhutto death ruled a tragic accident

Government cover up suspected.

And to think I fucking missed it

Somehow I didn't get a chance to see the Catherine Tate Xmas Special on BBC 1 and only now do I find out that it is being hailed condemned as the "most offensive programme ever broadcast by the BBC on a Christmas Day". I hope they've still got it on the website!

Today in Infamy

Nine hundred and thirty seven years ago today the Archbishop of Canterbury Thomas à Becket was murdered near the altar of Canterbury Cathedral by knights in service of Henry II.

What's wrong with Britain?

Apparently 78% of the populace believe that Britain should continue as a monarchy after Queen Liz (the Second of England and Wales and the First of Scotland) kicks off although most of them do think that we should give Chuck a pass and go straight to King Willy. Perhaps the prospect of changing the country's name and the national anthem simultaneously is just too much to face. Alternatively they've looked westward across the Atlantic and realised that a President can work out worse!

The Gong Show

So who has been singled out for celebration in this year's New Year's Honours List?

Kylie Minogue gets an OBE for services to surgically enhanced buttocks

Michael Parkinson is knighted for services to chat shows

Ian Wilmut (creator of Dolly the Sheep) is knighted for services to making right wing Christians bat shit crazy

Stuart Rose (boss at Marks & Sparks) is knighted for services to affordable lingerie and pre-packaged sushi

Ian Anderson gets an MBE for services to rock and roll salmon farming and flute twirling

Did someone change the Chinese calendar and neglect to inform me?

It seems that next year is the Year of the Potato. Perhaps Dan Quayle should be made honorary lexicographer.

"The next thing I remember there was cheese everywhere"

The Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents is warning British consumers to tread carefully when using new or unfamiliar appliances after a freakish incident in Shedfield Hampshire involving an exploding fondue set.

Be careful out there!

Maybe he should run for Vice President

Crooks and Liars has a clip of Republican presidential hopeful Mike "Holier Than Thou" Huckabee going pheasant hunting in which he expounds his "vote for me or die" platform. But it the Republicans are really paying attention they will want to ask the former Arkansas governor why he hates American gun makers. When asked about his shotgun he replies "It's a Benelli".

Juan Cole asks a silly question

"With Bhutto gone, does Bush have a Plan B?"

I am generally surprised when he has a Plan A!

Terrorists strike in America's heartland

Unfortunately because they attack an abortion clinic they are described as vandals. Well God is on their side, right?

Don't know what to do with the jumper (that you hate) that was given to you by a aunt (that you love)?

Perhaps the Oxfam Xmas Gifts Amnesty might be of use.

Meet the GodMen

Think Jesus on steroids. For those of you for whom mainstream Christianity is just too girly.

The War on Xmas

Israeli style.

Of course this only affected brown Christians so it is less of an issue. Fortunately St. Tony's express lane saw to it that wealthy, white Christians were not similarly inconvenienced.

Progress report

The Iraqi government is to reduce the monthly food ration by 50% to a level lower than that provided under Saddam Hussein during the sanction years. Over 10 million Iraqis still rely on these basic supplies to feed themselves. This will have a favourable effect on the hearts and minds agenda that we haven't got.

Today in infamy - Captain Codpiece likes to pretend it never happened edition

Thirty four years ago today the Endangered Species Act was signed into US law by Richard Nixon. I wonder what the odds would be if Bush were sent this exact legislation to sign.

From the department of "if we told you we'd have to kill you"

The US Central "Intelligence" Agency has held back data about its budget and staffing over fifty years ago from an official government account of the US "intelligence" community.

I thought America was supposed to be litigious...

...and therefore can't understand why they haven't emulated gay and lesbian groups in Spain who plan to sue a protestant minister who is claiming that he can cure homosexuality. Marcos Zapata, whose organisation runs a number of youth centres in Galicia, contends that gayness is a disease like alcoholism and can be healed. He stresses masculine role models for boys and in order to provide this he watches pro wrestling with his sons. Somehow Sr. Zapata seems to have missed all of the repressed homosexual imagery buried not very deep inside his chosen "sport".

Dangerous evil doer soon to be loose in Oz

Australia is set to release confessed terrorist David Hicks from jail tomorrow. I know that there will be those dangerous, freedom hating cynics who point out that Mr. Hicks only "confessed" as that was the only means at his disposal to leave the Guantánamo Bay Beach and Leisure Resort but clearly that is a red herring. After all we have the expert testimony of Captain Codpiece and his sidekick "I'm a Big" Dick Cheney who have repeatedly assured us that everyone held at the luxury resort on the shores of the Caribbean is in fact an evildoer. The Captain and "I'm a Big" Dick are in a position to know these things and we must trust them.

"Red alert! Nan's gone off the map again."

It is a difficult subject but Britain's Alzheimer’s Society has come out in favour of electronic tagging for Alzheimer's sufferers to ensure that they can easily be located via satnav should they wander off and get lost. Probably a good idea but I wouldn't want to be the one that has to explain to a grandparent or parent why they've got an anklet that they can't ever take off.

Everyone panic!

Experts predict that Americans will continue to pay ridiculously low prices for petrol and diesel as early as next spring!

In case anyone is interested current prices in the UK are about 7.80 USD per US gallon for unleaded and 8.34 per US gallon for diesel.

"Wait'll next year"...

...or how not to cross the Delaware dressed as George Washington. I hope it didn't ruin his Xmas.

When they say "shop till you drop"...

...they generally don't mean it literally. The fact that the women are Brummies probably explains a lot though.

Great news!

The Israel Defence Force did not commit war crimes by using cluster munitions against civilian areas during it (undoubtedly extremely legitimate) invasion of Lebanon last year after an exhaustive inquiry by the Israel Defence Force. There could hardly be a more impeachable source.

Whither Pakistan?

Former Pakistani Prime Minister and opponent of the country's current head of state Pervez "The Ex-General" Musharraf has been assassinated in Rawalpindi. In Islamabad four aides to former Premier Nawaz Sharif have also been killed by gunfire. Who is responsible for either of these incidents? I doubt we will ever know for sure. (UPDATE: I should like to point out that Jason Burke has drawn the same conclusion.) It is likely that the violence will escalate and, if it does, can the military government survive?

There are very few answers to these questions that can be viewed as being favourable for the Pakastani people, for American interests and for the world.

Pastafarians 1 - Polk County (FL) School Board 0

With the aid of the Flying Spaghetti Monster proposals by the school board in this Florida county to teach school children about "Intelligent" Design appear doomed to failure.

As a pagan I realised I didn't know much about the Church of the FSM so I went over to their website and discovered that their beliefs, whilst not to my taste, are eminently more sensible than Mormonism.

Understatement the the year

Courtesy of Robert Schoff of Des Moines Iowa:

"It wasn't good".

Mr. Schoff was referring to the fact that he spent an hour of Xmas Eve stuck upside down inside of his septic tank. Preferring less excitement in my life I just went down the pub.

Today in infamy

176 years ago today the HMS Beagle left Portsmouth harbor with Charles Darwin on board. Fortunately the famous voyage carefully avoided any contact with the public school systems in Florida, Texas, Kansas and Dover PA.

Now this just breaks my hear

Surely there must be some law to prevent the grandfather of porn actress wannabe and talentless TV "star" Paris Hilton from cheating her of her richly undeserved inheritance by just giving it away.

Why Americans make lousy engineers

They can't even tell when their own kids are so fat that their health is in danger for Christ's sake! 43% of parents of an extremely overweight or obese child, aged 6 - 11, said that they kid's weight was "about right". Another 37% thought their little angel was only "slightly overweight" and a few geniuses thought their child was underweight.

Now that America's cities are entirely safe...

...due to the high incidence of gun ownership in the country's urban areas the National Rifle Association wants to bring this peace of mind to National Parks. I feel safer already (as I don't live anywhere near an American National Park). I think that they should start with the Mall in Washington DC.

Things get complicated

Those evil Russians have announced plans to sell Iran an advanced antiaircraft system, said to be superior to its American counterpart, that is capable of shooting down both missiles and aircraft up to 100 miles away. I can assume that this will only increase the neo-con drumbeat for an attack on the Islamic Republic's nuclear sites by Captain Codpiece or his Israeli surrogates. I mean why not? What's another war between friends?

An interesting idea...

...but I really don't see how Egypt's plan to copyright its antiquities, such as the pyramids and the Sphinx, is going to be practical. Don't copyrights usually expire "x" years after the death of the creator? One would think that that would have passed already. Will the Mayans owe a fortune in back royalties?

Norway - closed for business?

Nearly 25% of firms in the Scandinavian country face possible closure on Monday for failing to meet legally mandated quotas that require the 40% of board members to be women. Nonetheless the programme has been a relative success as 37% of board members of publicly held companies are now female. The US, in comparison, still has a very long way to go.

You have been warned

From the CBC comes an excellent interview with author Chris Hedges on the fascistic American Christian right wing.



For more read his book American Fascists.

Sometimes democracy works

Despite heavy pressure from the government it seems that only about one third of MPs support changes to anti-terror regulation that would allow, amongst other things, an extension of the time that terror suspects can be held without charge to 42 days. Hopefully this will be the last we hear of this but somehow I doubt it.

In case you missed it

I certainly did (for the 14th consequetive year)!

Today in infamy

Three years ago today was the Boxing Day tsunami that so devastated South and South East Asia. There are still many homeless and suffering.

Headline of the day

"Santa in G-String Arrested on DUI Charge"

Is this a blow in the War on Xmas?

R.I.P.

Oscar Peterson - 1925 - 2007. I saw him many years ago but can't recall where.

For your listening pleasure

The Theolonius Quartet with "Round Midnight"

Today in infamy - "so you think Mitt Romney is a Christian" edition

Two hundred and two years ago today founder of the "Church" of Later Day Saints Joseph Smith Jr was born.

They're making a list; they're checking it twice

For having the unmitigated gall to let the world know that the United States government was almost certainly violating international and domestic law by torturing some of those it was illegally holding as evil doers former CIA agent John Kiriakou has now be declared an enemy of the Empire state.

Headline of the day

I probably shouldn't spend so much time reading the personal ads. If I didn't I probably would not have misinterpreted the following headline: "Saudi Arabia plans world's largest SWF".

Now the rest of the world is as lucky as we are

Queen Liz is going to put this year's Xmas message on YouTube so that they rest of you are not cheated out this important and truly wonderful cultural experience.

Surely there has to be a crime in here somewhere

Kidnap. Torture. Concealment of evidence of torture. Destruction of evidence of torture.

Now if only someone had smoked a bit of cannabis they might get serious about this.

What do you know!

Apparently I live in the city with the greatest economic and cultural significance on the planet!

Suck on that New York!

Big Brother is watching you

Big brother is mapping you. Big Brother is filing you away.

You have been warned.

For your laughing pleasure

The late, great Bill Hicks on Christ & Christians.

Headline of the day

"Contraceptive maker seeks protection"

Peak whiskey?

Don't anyone panic, at least until I've had a chance to get to the offie and stock up, but the world could be on the brink of a vintage Scotch shortage. They really know how to ruin a man's holidays, don't they?

Can beatification be far behind?

Speaking of St. Tony he has, as has been long anticipated, taken his first baby steps towards sainthood by converting to Roman Catholicism.

In a surprising turnabout...

Martin Luther King's oddest daughter, Alveda, is praising (not very) poor white trash Jamie Spears for having underage non-abstinent sex outside of the sacred bonds of marriage. At least that is my interpretation.

Today in infamy - nice boy from Bromley edition

On this day in 2001 former Bromley resident Richard Reid tried to blow up an American Airlines flight over the Atlantic by lighting a bomb in his shoe. He failed but you will undoubtedly be inspired to remember him every time you have to take off your shoes before a flight.

It ain't necessarily so

Is it possible that St. Tony lied to us (once again)? When the government quashed an investigation into BAE Systems and allegations of widespread bribery and corruption in its dealings with the Saudi government they swore to us that this was done for security purposes and not for commercial reasons. Now a previously unreleased letter between then Prime Minister St. Tony Blair and the Attorney General Lord Goldsmith rather explicitly shows that statement to be a complete and utter falsehood. And he seemed like such a nice boy.

Some might say that this vibrating mouse is a clever approach to RSI...

...but I think it is just an attempt to sneak sex toys into Alabama under cover of darkness.

Is Milo Minderbinder back at work for the US Defense Department?

It turns out that the United States helped to plan a Turkish military attack on a country that the United States is currently illegally occupying. Joseph Heller would be so proud.

A pat on the back for Gordo

Cabinet ministers have been ordered to cease and desist externalising the greenhouse effects of government projects and will have to calculate and consider the carbon cost of all government initiatives. This will have the effect of favouring renewal ables over the use of fossil fuels but will also add some impetus to nuclear efforts.

Battery quail

Today's Guardian carries a story about the rearing of "game" birds for the marketplace in battery conditions similar to those used to raise chickens and turkeys. Will this mean that we will soon see free range pheasants and quail on the supermarket shelves?

(The article certainly didn't give me an appetite for these birds but it did give me an idea of places for "I'm a Big" Dick Cheney to go hunting the next time he visits this green and pleasant land.)

Preserving shareholder value!

What can one say about the death of 17 year old Nataline Sarkisyan? I have no words. She died yesterday after a protracted fight with her insurance company, CIGNA, over a liver transplant. Shortly before she died CIGNA "decided to make an exception in this rare and unusual case" and agreed to pay for the procedure. Unfortunately this happened too late for Ms. Sarkisyan and her family.

I hope that at some point America wakes up and realises that the multi-billion (or is it trillion) dollar health insurance industry adds absolutely no value to the process and deserves no place in the provision of health care to all Americans.

Your tax dollars at work

Protecting rapists. What not send these evil doers, without benefit of a trail, to the Guantánamo Bay Beach and Leisure Club or some other appropriate leisure facility? (Note: I don't really mean that. They should of course be given a fair trial. Any and all government employees or contractors who were responsible in any way for breaking the chain of evidence and turning it over to KBR should and must be held accountable. They should pay at least with the loss of their job and preferably criminally for obstruction of justice.

Bush - the legacy

From the early nineties until 2002 the number of armed conflicts declined and since then have held steady according to the Uppsala (Sweden) University Department of Peace and Conflict Research. Their annual report "States in Armed Conflict" notes that most of the current conflicts are "intractable" and the absence of peace negotiations, especially in the Middle East, is notable. But don't worry. Captain Codpiece still has time to start one or two more before he leaves office so that he can exit with an upward trend line.

Bill-o descends into self-parady

Is Bill-o O'Reilly on drugs? If not, why not? Discuss.

The blubberer in chief has personally picked the highlights from his show this year. For some reason in each and every clip he appears a complete and utter buffoon and is bettered by his guest. One has to wonder what he would have picked for the year's lowlights.

Schadenfreude alert

I've never been able to make up my mind whether Bill Kristol or Charles Krauthammer is more annoying and more smug than the other. So I reckon it is appropriate that they both lose their jobs at Time magazine simultaneously.

Mitt has been telling porkies again!

Somewhere in his brave and bold speech in which he defended his religious beliefs by not talking about them Mitt Romney proudly told the world that his father had "march[ed] with Martin Luther King". He has repeated this assertion in interviews as well. There's only one problem, his father didn't march with Dr. King. Even for a politician he seems to have considerable difficulty with facts.

Fortunately for the ex-Governor and occasional Mormon his staff have come up with a gloriously implausible explanation. The ex-Governor was speaking metaphorically.

I, for one, am relieved that this little oops has been cleared up.

So what's St. Tony been up to lately?

So has our former Prime Minister and Captain Codpiece's second favourite lap dog, St. Tony Blair, brought peace to the middle east as he settles into his role as a peace envoy. Well, sadly, no. He has however managed to arrange for a special express lane to Bethlehem for Christians so that they do not have to suffer the indignities that the unfortunate but sub-human Palestinians have to in order to pass from the illegally occupied territories into Israel. This is especially important at this time of year as the Christmases of these wealthy and predominately white "pilgrims" should not have to be ruined by their have to look on the suffering of others. This approach will obviously be effective as we all know that in order to be truly evil one must be either Muslim or brown; preferably Muslim and brown.

Clearly St. Tony is thinking inside the box.

In some ways you have to admire Captain Codpiece and his evil minions

They don't miss a trick and everything is political. Surely at some point very soon this all adds up to at least a misdemeanour doesn't it?

Today in infamy - anti-anarchist edition

One hundred and sixty five years ago today "The Anarchist Formerly Known as" Prince Kropotkin was born in Moscow. He was once a resident of Bromley and has one of the borough's few blue plaques on Crescent Road which I pass on my way to my doctor's surgery.

She made it!

As of 1700 hours yesterday our own much loved Queen Liz (the Second of England and Wales and the First of Scotland) became the oldest ever British monarch. Now if she will only become the last British monarch we will be getting somewhere.

Things that wouldn't happen with socialised medicine

Whilst millions of American children (and adults) are denied access to health care to real and serious conditions a extremely wealthy Republican presidential hopeful get hospitalised for flu-like symptoms! But not to worry he was never in is out of danger.

No mention of onanism and cecity though

medical myths debunked including turkey makes you sleepy, reading in poor light ruins your eyes and shaved hair grows back faster.

Today's Xmas recall

All copies of "It Never Rains In Southern California" as it's pissing down in LA (and because the song is shite).

Why hasn't anyone mentioned...

...that this California family, whose rescue from the elements has America in thrall, were clearly out there stealing an Xmas tree? Have there been any arrests as yet?

Xmas comes for the Archbishop

The Archbishop of Canterbury has once again courted controversy, and the inevitable hatred and vitriol of right wing Christians, by suggesting that the three magi might just be a story. Doesn't he know that the Bible is the literal and unalterable word of God and that She doesn't like people "interpreting" it?

Nice work if you can get it

Russia's President and soon to be Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, who is also Time Magazine's person of the year, has managed to salt away at least 40 billion USD from his annual salary of around 80,000 USD. He must have a hell of an aggressive savings plan.

Romney picks up 10 supporters in Iowa but none in New Hampshire...

...as Tom "The Xenophobe's Xenophobe" Tancredo pulls out of the race for the Republican presidential nomination and endorses factually challenged sort-of-Mormon Mitt Romney.

I am sure that there will be many heathens who say that...

...this new evidence of the whale's evolution from a deer-like critter is yet another nail in (not-so)Intelligent Design's coffin. They just don't get it do you. This is just another of the red herrings that God has planted to lead those without faith from the path of true righteousness. She does have a great sense of humour, doesn't She?

I thought I smelled a rat

I was wondering why, now that he has gotten so veto happy, Captain Codpiece actually signed the recently passed energy bill. Now it seems as he is going to use it as cover to try and prevent the states, especially California, from moving forward whilst he sits and does sod all.

"Now get the fuck off our land!"

The Lakota tribe has seceded from the United States and about bloody time too!

(Link fixed!)

Department of not exactly news

A study from the American Cancer Society finds that people without access to health care don't do so well when they get cancer. I hope that they didn't spend a lot of money on this.

I am certain that this will get me in trouble with PETA...

...but I would rather that the US embassy in Iraq spend its resources on investigations of all of the dodgy circumstances in which mercenaries from Blackwater USA or any other kill-for-profit mercenary firm killed human beings in Iraq (yes - Iraqis are human beings!) before it dedicates any time to investigating whether Blackwater hired guns killed the New York Times' dog. I am sorry Hentish but that is just how I feel.

Enough is enough!

Clearly it is time that the United States battened down her hatches and secured her porous borders. If you think I am just being xenophobic you will most certainly change your mind after you read this article that explains how illegal immigrants are blatantly and openly discriminating against real Americans in the Garden State.

The importance of pure science

With winter just about upon us it is important that you not only know that you shouldn't put your tongue on a frozen flag pole but also why you shouldn't put your tongue on a frozen flagpole.

Should anyone be interested one drunken night in my university years I did some basic research on this and their conclusions are certainly correct.

Radical left wing NYT columnist admits he hates families

Paul Krugman confesses that the only reason he has no son working for Hillary Clinton's campaign is because HE HAS NO CHILDREN.

Q.E.D.

No work left to do for White House...

...so they've taken to editing the New York Times. Note that they have only objected to the headline and not to the story. I reckon that they long ago realised that no one who has ever voted for them has ever read deeper than the sub-heading to a story. I particularly love that in her written statement Ms. Perino describes of the offending line, "White House Role Was Wider Than It Said", as "pernicious". Is this description of this story, on which she refuses to comment, truly evil?

They do operate under a curious moral code.

Today in infamy - Illegal Invaders Anonymous edition

On this day in 1989 the United States illegally invaded a sovereign nation, without any authorisation, to topple a former ally and dictator who the US had helped to gain and retain power who was no longer dancing to their tune.

Invasion? I thought we invaded Iraq like in the springtime or something.

We did. This was some other dictator who the US had helped to gain and retain power who was no longer dancing to their tune.

Good ole white boy innocent till proven guilty

Former baseball Hall of Fame certainty Roger Clemens still wants to speak to the Texas High School Baseball Coaches Association despite being prominently mentioned in this week's report on performance enhancing drug abuse in the sport. The initial scuttlebutt was that his appearance had been cancelled by the THSBCA but now that he has denied these allegations all may be forgiven.

I was just wondering

About this fire at the White House - does anyone know where they store the visitor logs?

Holy precedent Batman

Citing unimpeachable intelligence that Kurds in Iraq have large scale programmes to develop weapons of mass destruction and that these weapons could be deployed in under 45 minutes against Ankara and Istanbul, that the Kurds in Iraq are a danger to their neighbours and an overwhelming desire of the free peoples everywhere for regime change in Iraqi Kurdistan Turkey has invaded Iraq. (And the oil. Did I mention the oil?)

When does this all add up to impeachment?

According to this article in the NY Times the four top lawyers in the Bush administration met several times over two years to discuss the destruction of the CIA torture interrogation tapes. The article says that

"It was previously reported that some administration officials had advised against destroying the tapes, but the emerging picture of White House involvement is more complex."

I think that is code for "we should destroy them if we think we can get away with it". Seriously this fucker and his coterie of sychophants and assorted evil doers just has to go.

With God as his running mate

Mike "Holier Than Thou" Huckabee has a new ad running in Iowa. Note the cross effect immediately behind him. Apparently his campaign claims that is just a window.

How do you say "poor white trash"?

Is it too late to nominate Lynne Spears for grandmother of the year? As if the parenting skills of her eldest daughter Britney weren't totally laughable we now learn that her 16 year old daughter Jamie Lynn is pregnant. Probably another abstinence only sex education success story. As the age of consent in Louisiana is 17 might there be some jail time coming?

I reckon if young Jamie Lynn is luck her big sister might stump up for a trailer for her and the daddy.

Man on a mission

US Federal Communications Commission chairman Kevin Martin is certainly doing his damnedest to ensure that government of the people, by the people, for the people, will soon perish from this earth.

Have the shredders broken down?

It seems that they have taken to burning the evidence instead.

Today in infamy - how much did Ken Starr cost edition?

Nine years ago today the House of Representatives impeached Bill Clinton and there were millions of spontaneous right wing orgasms across the country.

In praise of...

...Nick Clegg. First of all our congratulations to Mr. Clegg for being elected as the new leader of the Liberal Democrats, even if that is somewhat of a poisoned chalice. However I am singing his praises for admitting that he does not believe in God. Can you imagine this happening in America? Yeah, neither can I.

Why don't you slip into something more comfortable?

Make sure your fags are at hand, perhaps some tissues if you plan to be alone. Saturday is the second annual World Orgasm for Peace Day. I wouldn't normally partake but it is in aid of a good cause. It will certainly be preferable to braving the last minute Xmas shoppers in the High Street.

Note: if your are abstinent this is definitely not for you!

The road to Wignan's queer

It's tough up north. Witness the tragic story of June Jones of Wigan. On 7 December she was given a restraining order by which she was forbidden to harass or even speak to her neighbour, a drag artiste. She immediately home and harassed her neighbour. Do not pass go. Do not collect 50 quid. Go directly to gaol. Next case!

Conservatives under attack!

And where else but in the heartland of the hard left, the Ivy League!

Unfortunately it turns out that Francisco Nava, a junior at Princeton University, was not attacked by two men in ski masks for his conservative views. In point of fact he was only attacked by one man, himself. The police have not indicated whether Mr. Nava was wearing a ski mask at the time. Mr. Nava has also admitted that he did not receive any death threats via email and that his bruises were as a result of undisclosed personal issues.

I hope that David Horowitz isn't already en route. It would be a truly tragic waste of his valuable time and money.

Your attention please!

A completely fair and balanced study from the American Beverage Institute has concluded that sobriety checkpoints are bad for your and make for a boring Xmas. I hope that helps but take the train anyway.

Shades of Ricky "Man on Dog" Santorum

My former junior Senator famously argued that allowing gays to marry would inevitably lead to the legalisation of bestiality or something to that affect. I never could follow his logic. Now the camp of Mike "Holier Than Thou" Huckabee is having to explain remarks by one of their staffers that equated homosexuality with necrophilia. They have rather cleverly come up with a position that whilst both activities are evil they clearly occupy "opposite ends of the spectrum", whatever the fuck that is supposed to mean.

But what about homosexual necrophilia Mike? What exactly is your position on that?

Merry Xmas your arse!

The BBC's Radio 1 has surrendered in its War on Xmas! The popular music station has reversed itself and will now play in its entirety the only Xmas song I can still tolerate, "Fairytale of New York" by Kirsty MacColl and the Pogues. And what an excellent excuse to share it with you!

Today in infamy - backyard barbaques have never been the same edition

Nineteen years ago today the US Product Safety Commission (remember when there used to be one) banned lawn darts. A very sad day indeed.

Hold the Rice

Increasingly irrelevant US Secretary of State Conocoleezza Rice has made a surprise trip to northern Iraq undoubtedly so that she can have the same pacific effect on the region that she has already had in Israel/Palestine and in Africa. However the President of Iraqi Kurdistan Massoud Barzani is refusing to meet with the great and powerful woman just because a few Turks (and their bombs) have accidentally crossed the border!

In passing

Today's Guardian features an opinion piece from one Rustum Roy, of Arizona State University, that I wouldn't normally mention as it is about "homeopathy" which I don't believe I should waste my time with. It is full of the usual "memory of water, blah, blah, blah, I'm a scientist, blah, blah, blah" and, as usual, neglects to mention even one peer reviewed study that shows that homeopathy has any measurable impact. The piece is notable for Mr. Roy's invention of a new word, "homeophobia".

I am disappointed however that Mr. Roy fails to suggest that "homeophobia" be including in any future hate crimes bill.

But he's an evil doer!

It would seem that Military Commission Judge Keith Allred hates freedom and doesn't want America to win in the Eternal Global War on Terra. He has ruled that Salim Ahmed Hamdan, who was once a driver for evil-doer-in-chief Osama bin Laden, is entitled to a hearing to determine whether he is a Prisoner of War. Should he be found to be a POW that would mean that the Geneva Conventions would have to be enforced and yet Captain Codpiece has clearly stated that they do not apply. Just exactly who does this guy think he is?

Things that are pissing me off today

I have a pay-as-you-go mobile phone that I don't use very much. Once a month the provider sends me a text message to tell me whether or not I've topped up enough to get free minutes or texts but why, oh why, do they have to send it at quarter to five in the morning???

I'm a bit grumpy today because I got woken up at quarter to five this morning and also because I am bloody sick of Xmas!

Don't know much biology

They're havin' a spot of bother down in Pinellas County FL trying to work out just what to teach ya'll. There seems to be move afoot that if the kids are gonna have to learn about that "theory" of evolution they ought to learn some other stuff. Or perhaps not. Key quotes (from school board member Peggy O'Shea):

"I'd probably ideally like to keep it all out of the classroom...If it's going to create this much controversy, how important is it?"

Isn't it about time the rest of us decided that Florida is just more trouble than it's worth?

Where's Mitt's machismo gone?

Is it just me or of late is Mitt Romney acting too metrosexual-like for the normal tastes of the Republican Party? First he choked up when he described how he choked up when he heard that his church had finally decided that Negroes were humans and now he says he wept watching the coffin of a fallen soldier returned to the US.

"And I put my hand on my heart, and tears begin to well in your eyes, as you can imagine in a circumstance like that. I have five boys of my own. I imagined what it would be like to lose a son in a situation like that."

And Mitt we hear your pain and your fear because we all know the danger that your sons face everyday as they save the country by fearlessly campaigning for you in the incredibly dangerous wilds of Iowa and New Hampshire.

This is just too easy

There was a small chemical explosion at Faux News headquarters this morning. (Did the get open flame too close to Bill-o?) No actual news was damaged in the incident as there was no actual news in the vicinity. According to the AP Faux News "is in the basement and continued broadcasting without interruption" which made it a sad day for American civilisation.

Lie back and think of Redwood

Former Tory cabinet minster and leadership contender John Redwood seems to think that date rape isn't a serious crime. Some things never change.

Do you think he knows?

Sixty four years ago today Keith Richards was born in the ever lovely Dartford in Kent.

Now this is just a damn shame!

It seems that Captain Codpiece's former political advisor and worshiper of Satan Carl Rove is having a flogging his memoirs. Since the derivation of the term "memoir" is from the Latin memoria (via the French memorie) which means memory do you think this reluctance might have something to do with the lack of faith in Mr. Rove's memory or at least his memory of the truth?

All-American hero of the day

Chris Dodd. (Congressman Kucinich still has my endorsement but well done anyway - and thank you and Senators Kennedy and Feinstein.)

Just in time for Xmas

The prefect Xmas present for so many Americans: the pinhead Bible.

And his hair was perfect

A lone (not were-)wolf popped into a cafe in Villetta Barrea province in Italy, had a quick burger and then skipped out on il conto. It would appear that the wolf was not necessarily satisfied with the meal because it has yet to return.

If your husband has thoughtfully volunteered to pop down the mall and finish up the Xmas shopping...

...and you live in Boulder CO you may want to think twice about his unexpected altruism.

The upside of Gore being cheated of the Presidency in 2000

Joe Lieberman never got within a heartbeat of being in charge.

Be afraid, be very afraid

Elizabeth Edwards is and so should you be.

"He seems like a nice charming guy... doesn’t believe in evolution and has some nutty views about what it is we should do about ending violence in our inner city — we should make sure all of our young people are armed. Republicans scare me."

R.I.P.

Dan Fogelberg - (1951 - 2007) (OK - most of his songs were a bit sappy but this really isn't time to be a critic is it?)

Mitt just makes it up as he goes along

Now he's claiming he got an endorsement from the National Rifle Association in a year that the NRA didn't endorse anyone. At least he has nice hair. I wonder how much his haircuts cost. (Are we allowed to ask that question about anyone other than John Edwards?)

Just in time for Xmas

Jesus on a meteorite or so says Terrence Cotton. Speaking for myself I can barely see a face, any face, even with the aid of the arrows but then I am a heathen. I reckon this ought to bring a higher price than your average Jesus in a pizza or Jesus on toast due to projected longevity.

For your listening pleasure

Miles and the Trane - "so What".



(Editor's note: this is best when viewed between 2 AM and dawn!)

Not so much "cut and run" as "run and hide"

Now that Captain Codpiece's grand vision, utilising an elaborate system of bribes and ethnic cleansing, has brought peace to the outlying provinces of Iraq the plan is to hunker down in Baghdad and hope for the best. Well at least it is a plan.

An expert opinion

Former British Tory Prime Minster John Major, whose government gave us scandals involving Neil Hamilton, Jonathan Aitken and David Mellor, tells us that the level of sleaze in the Labour government is superior to that his Tories provided. Let us not forget that he was shagging Edwina Currie as well.

I think that we must trust his judgement.

What is this?

Suddenly West Chester PA is all over the map. First the knowledge tree in front of the Chester County courthouse that was put up by the Greater Philadelphia Freethought Society caused Faux New's faux priest to become even more unhinged than he already was and now some geezer from MTV is going to open a theatre there. (Am I showing my age if I confess I have absolutely no idea who Bam Margera is?)



Well this can only be a good thing but West Chester's not been the same since the great old Warner Theatre shut down nearly thirty years ago.






http://www.thepeoplesvoice.org/cgi-bin/blogs/news.php/2007/12/17/us_army_loses_another_12_000_guns_and_tr

Credt where credit is due

I am not a big fan of the Israeli government but there are some things that they do get right. Instead of allowing Christians who think they have seen God, that they are God, that they talk to God or any of a variety of other Biblically derived delusions to run for President the lock 'em up with the aid of a special police squad.

How do we get one of these and can they visit Pat Robertson first?

Progress report

Turkey is bombing Kurdish freedom fighters/insurgents/terrorists (pick one) in Iraq again. Whatever happened to the no fly zone?

Get your loofahs out!

It is O'Reilly - The Opear. (Warning: sensible human beings may experience significant levels of nausea if they actually pay attention to the libretto.)

A small clarification

The American Bar Association Journal would like you to know that when they named former US Attorney General and continuing Bush succubus Albert "Gone-zo" Gonzales as their "Lawyer of the Year" they actually meant "Arsehole of the Year".

That is all.

How do you say "Lady in Red" in Farsi?

If sanctions don't bring Iran to its knees we'll just have to send in Chris de Burgh. So President Ahmadinejad I would proceed carefully if I were you. We're not bloody bluffing!

This should work out well

A home schooling mother has been elected as the head of the South Carolina Board of Education which oversees the state's public schools. Kristin Maquire is also an active member of a group that "pushes for abstinence education, taxpayer dollars spent on private schools and the teaching of intelligent design".

If you live in South Carolina and you have children in the public school system there may still be time to move.

Maybe I should retract all those things I said about abstinence only education

Perhaps, if done properly, it could work after all.

Happy birthday Mr. Clarke

As I noted yesterday today is Arthur C. Clarke's 90th birthday. He's sent us a message.

Does this make me a male chauvinist pig?

I think of myself as liberated as the next guy. I just don't think that there is any reason to start fucking about with real ale just to make it more attractive to women. I think that the Campaign for Real Ale should take up the defence.

Has the coup happened already and I didn't notice?

Apparently not content with having turned the US Department of Justice from a professional organisation charged with upholding the law and the Constitution into a instrument of partisan political hackery and unhanded dirty tricks Captain Codpiece and his evil minions want to exercise direct control over the military legal apparatus, the Judge Advocate General. A new regulation would require the approval of politically appointed Pentagon henchmen lawyers before any member of the JAG Corps could be promoted.

I think it is time to seriously reconsidered my objections to having to swear an oath to the Queen and become a naturalised British citizen.

101 reasons not to drink with a creationist

Reason 37: Despite being a "person of good character" unless you agree that the universe is 6,000 years old he (or she) may kill you, quite possibly to stop you from evolving.

Let's evacuate! Republicans and Christians first

It looks like it could be an all Texas, all the time day today. The new head of the state's Division of Emergency Management wants to do criminal background checks before people are allowed on evacuation buses. That should work don't you think? It's not like there's a fucking time factor to consider or anything.

What a feckin' ejit!

What do they teach them?

The Institute for Creation Research, a misnomer if there ever was one as they don't research anything, is close to gaining accreditation to train "science" teachers in the not-so-great state of Texas. The Institute wants to use an on-line curriculum and I say why not. An advisory group has already approved the request and the Texas Higher Education Coordinating Board is due to rule before Xmas. The entire course must consist of "here - believe this".

I am sure that this will help the state's standing the education derby. Where does Captain Codpiece's beloved No Middle Class White Child Left Behind Act stand on this? Are the evolution questions optional on the standardised tests?

Quote of the day

"You have got to be careful about stealing a car that close to a doughnut shop, at least according to Joilet IL Police Chief Fred Hayes.

Stereotypes exist for a reason. When I used to live in King of Prussia PA there was a Dunkin' Doughnuts at the intersection where I used to get on 202. There was never a time in the nearly five years I lived there that I passed the shop, at least twice a day, when there wasn't a cop car there.

If I hear...

...that fucking Slade Xmas song one more time I might have to hurt someone.

I'll be back as soon as the little red pills kick in.

What do you know?

Palace won!

Whatever happened to fiscal prudence?

The current administration's spending on document shredding has increased more than 600% during the Bush/Cheney years. I suspect that we would see similar increases, or worse, in spending on accidental destruction of email.

Has anyone seen Fawn Hall of late?

Does anyone here know the Heimlich maneuver?

I was eating a sarnie and reading this article about our new Attorney General's refusal to cooperate with a congressional inquiry into the destruction of the torture water boarding tapes. (La plus ça change, eh?) Everything was going swimmingly until I got to the point where Mukasey indicated that he couldn't possibly submit any materials or information to the House because to do so would make it appear as if the Department of Justice was "subject to political influence." Now I think I'm choking to death.

[weakly]Help....

My fellow Americans...

...by Imperial Fiat Presidential Order this year's Bill of Rights Day has been cancelled. Please stay at home, away from the windows and don't make any sudden movements.

That is all.

Headline of the day

From Sweden's The Local: "Woman catches fire during hemorrhoid operation"

Who says nothing exciting ever happens in Scandinavia?

From the department of "does anyone care?"

The 3,487th inquest into the death of Diana, ex-Princess of Wales, is still underway. I do wish someone would explain to me just exactly what relevance her love letters have. Before this is over it will likely have cost the British taxpayer about £10 million. And for what? To keep Mohamed Al Fayed from being even more annoying that usual?

No deal is better than this deal

It seems that media outlets across the globe are heralding a "U-turn" by the United States that has allowed an agreement of sorts to come out of the Bali climate change negotiations. I've read a dozen articles at least and I can't even find the slightest change of direction from what the US position was only a couple of days ago. The only bloody thing that's been agreed is that they are going to talk for two more years as greenhouse gas levels continue to worsen and the United States does sod all to addresses its profligate ways. Some progress, eh?

I am certain that Captain Codpiece and his evil minions are already spinning this to prove what a green little shit he is and will describe this as a great victory attributable to his genius alone.

Cue the "War on Xmas" indignation

Noted "radical left wing media outlet"* the British Broadcasting Corporation is to broadcast a reworking of the Xmas myth story tomorrow night in which Jesus is a Scouser. The show will be filmed in the streets of Liverpool and its environs and broadcast live and in real time. Only one scene, on a Mersey ferry, has been prerecorded. The story line goes something like this:

Mary is a waitress in a cafe (and a virgin). Joseph is an asylum seeker who has to go to Liverpool to get his visa renewed. Joseph is less than happy with her pregnancy irrespective of its divine source. The baby is born in a pub (real ale available for traditionalists) and the shepherds are homeless and sheepless. There is also music and dancing (I may have made up the dancing) with songs by The La's, The Shack and John Lennon.

I for one will not be watching.


*I confess that I have shamelessly stolen this designation from Bill-o O'Reilly

Attention: UN Security Council members

If you would just pay attention for a moment or two you might notice that it is surely time for a Security Council resolution condemning Israel's crimes against humanity in the Gaza Strip. If you would consult your copies of the Geneva Conventions, I am certain that you must have them somewhere, I think you will find that collective punishment is a severe violation. I am certain that you will not need to follow up the initial resolution with sanctions against the state of Israel because they have never violated a SC resolution before!

When they came for the toilet cursers I did nothing because I was not a toilet curser

A judge in Pennsylvania has acquitted Dawn Herb, a woman from Scranton who was charged with disorderly conduct when she screamed profanities after her toilet over-flowed. Judge Terrence Gallagher cited First Amendment protections in discharging her case.

Too fucking right, I say.

What can we say now?

Today's Guardian front page carries a story about the aftermath of the democracy demonstrations in Burma/Myanmar and their brutal suppression by the military junta. The following is a description by one of the the demonstrators of his treatment at the hands of the police during his detention.

"I was sitting on the floor of the interrogation room," said the man, an art shop owner in his 20s. "There were five of them asking questions. The first day I was beaten very hard and they asked: who organised the monks? I told them we were following the monks, respecting the Buddha, they weren't following us."
"I was interrogated all night for three nights. They kicked and punched me on the side of my head with their fists. They asked me the same question over and over. I told them: you can ask anything, my answer will always be the same. I don't know who organised the monks. They didn't like that answer."

So the interrogators forced the young man to half-crouch as though he were sitting on a motorbike, made him put his arms out as if gripping the handlebars and demanded he imitate an engine, loudly.

The initial humiliation gave way to intense pains in his legs, arms and throat after several hours. When he fell over he was beaten again. He was held for a month and is still not sure why he was detained. He suspects the police identified him from photographs of civilians who marched with the monks. But he was not alone in the cells of police station No 14.

Isn't this a clear enough demonstration of the total loss of any moral authority that the United States might have once had? What indeed can we as a nation say in disapproval of these methods of torture intensive interrogation against an innocent man held illegally when our own government does the same things to innocent men held illegally and claims to do so in the name of freedom?

What indeed.

Finally, after nearly seven years, it turns out that...

...Captain Codpiece IS a uniter and not a divider after all. If you don't believe me, ask an Iraqi. It seems that the only thing that the Iraqi people now have in common is a hatred of the United States!

If only they spoke English

Down in Sout' Philly the proprietor of Geno's Steaks is having a spot of bother over his "English Only" sign. The next time one of my middle class English friends, one who speaks in perfect received pronunciation goes to Philly I'll make sure they head down to 9th and Passyunk to see if anyone there can actually speak and/or understand English.

Speaking of birthdays

Hamas is 20 today. I would wish them luck on their anniversary but then I would probably end up on that bloody no-fly list wouldn't I? So I shall just note it as news and leave it at that. (Nor shall I note that Israel supported them in the beginning as an alternative to the dangerous PLO!)

They're havin' a party

Should you happen to be in Colombo today you probably already know that tomorrow is Arthur C. Clarke's 90th birthday. There is little doubt that his science fiction helped get me through a troubled adolescence. (I've had to get through a troubled adulthood on my own!) The Sri Lankan government is having a bit of a do for him.

Happy birthday Art.

He's not exactly Roger Ebert is he?

Noted theologian Santa Claus (aka Father Christmas aka Sinterklaas aka Saint Nicholas) weighs in on the "evil" film Golden Compass. I don't think he liked it.

Well at least he won't be dead anymore

Confused ex-canoeist John Darwin who claims that he can't remember being dead, or anything else, for five years is to spend Xmas is jail as will his wife. This story just gets stranger and stranger.

Today's question for liberterians

Is Zionism an appropriate role for government?

Discuss.

Get your asterixes out

Well the Mitchell report on drug abuse in baseball has been released and it isn't good news for the sport. The reports cites rampant abuse of performance enhancing drugs in the 90s and the 00s including steroids, human growth hormone and more exotic substances.

What may be the most interesting thing to see play itself out, after the brutal condemnation of Barry Bonds, is how the baseball community and America as a whole reacts to the inclusion of one of the sports lily-white favourites, pitcher Roger Clemens, on the list. If he is not treated with the same anger; if is not suggested that he be stripped from the record books; if it is not vociferously argued that the be barred from the Hall of Fame then those who argued that there was a racial element to the vilification of Bonds have some evidence to support their position.

In the meantime the list of drug abusers named is available here.

My own team, the hapless Phillies who I love in a sad and desperate sort of way, got off rather lightly with only Lenny Dykstra and David Bell listed. Dykstra is no surprise; who can forget the shots of him with his mouth stuffed full of chewing tobacco, with the juice just dribbling out of his mouth, sneaking out of the dugout for a crafty fag between innings. This was a guy with an addictive streak. As to David Bell, did ever actually play for the Phillies? I can only recall him being on injured reserve for about three years. It would seem that steroids are no good for your back!

More on this later after I get a chance to work through the names.

In praise of New Jersey!

When have I said those words before? (OK - I don't think I've ever said those words before.) Nonetheless as the Garden State moves to eliminate the death penalty in the state I have nothing but praise. I can't see this happening in Pennsylvania anytime soon. They can't even deal with addressing the issue of guns.

This is just so appalling

It is hard to believe that this "charity" that distributes shoes to needy children in South Carolina's schools has ever been allowed to operate. Even if one disregards the reprehensible and manifestly unconstitutional religious aspects do you think that these children will be better off after the humiliating experience of having their feet washed?

Have they no understanding of the pressures on a young child and what this might do to their self esteem?

I am sure that this was just an oversight

The Anti-Defamation League has been quick to applaud the news of arrests in the attack of four Jewish students on the New York Subway. They even applaud the "courage of the fellow subway rider who attempted to defend the victims from their attackers" but somehow fails to mention that the heroic non-bystander is a Muslim.

He may be tall but has he got a jump shot

Apparently Manado in Indonesia is now the site of one of Asia's tallest Jesuses (sic?). I am assuming that the artist must be a Catholic as they skip that pesky "graven image" nonsense.

Hey - look what I'm getting for my 52nd birthday

A space shuttle launch. Maybe.

This doesn't sound like cricket

But then I don't suppose many Mormons actually play cricket.

Is Mitt Romney about to buy Clear Channel and its massive portfolio of radio stations? It sure looks like it. Isn't there some sort of rule against something like this? If not, why not? Explain.

Are America's rich getting much, much richer?

In a word, yes! Well it's not as if Bush actually knows any poor people.

Veto pen on standby Captain!

The House of Representatives has passed a bill that would US intelligence agencies from torturing winning the Eternal Global War on Terra drawing the immediate threat of a veto from the White House saying that the measure would "would prevent the United States from conducting lawful interrogations of senior al Qaeda terrorists to obtain intelligence needed to protect Americans from attack" by making them unlawful!

I don't see what a veto is necessary. Couldn't they just do one of those signing statement things, simply just break the law as they are wont to do or, most believably of all, Captain Codpiece could just claim that he didn't understand what they meant.

Today in infamy - what international law edition

On this date in 1981 the Israeli Knesset illegally annexed the Golan Heights but we shall just pretend that they haven't OK? Along with all of the other international law violations of which they are guilty or at least accused. None of this ever happened, OK?

Absolutely Fabio

Now that the England football team has a new manager (maybe( is it too soon to start counting down to his sacking? I think not. Of course Sr. Capello has little to worry about, assuming his employment is confirmed, until the World Cup 2010 qualifiers start sometime late next year. In the meantime he will be busy lining up friendlies to fill the time whilst the good European sides are actually playing for something. I suggest Lichtenstein, Aruba and perhaps the The Holy See as possible opponents that are unlikely to trouble Sr. Capello's prima donnas!

Oh the hubris

In the process of scuttling the chance any meaningful outcome from the the UN climate conference in Bali James Connaughton, the senior US negotiator in Bali, provides us with the quote of the century:

"The US will lead, and we will continue to lead, but leadership also requires others to fall in line and follow."

This strikes me as leadership lemming-style.

The main American resistance is to any mandatory reduction targets for greenhouse emissions. The Yanks prefer "voluntarily" targets which you can think of a proposal as put forward by your average teenager. "I'll do it if I feel like it. Or I'll got skateboarding."

Nationalise it?

Is the British government on the verge of nationalising troubled mortgage provider Northern (but not quite as solid as a) Rock? Don't anyone tell the Yanks OK? If they find out there are socialists in the government it could ruin that special relationship.

Yes, you too can be President

Now that the American people have spent the past seven years with a complete moron in the White House it seems that every complete moron in the country believes that he should be the Republican Party nominee for President. At least that applies to most of the morons who are either white men in suits or Alan Keyes. As a demonstration of this point go over to Crooks and Liars and view this clip from last night's "debate" in Iowa between a bunch of white morons in suits with a special guest appearance by (Ex-)Ambassador(?) Alan Keyes. (Why do we have to refer to this people by the titles that they used to have? If I run for President will you all have to refer to me as Class Clown Stringer?)

Extremely approximate transcript below:

Ms. Interlocutor: "I'd like to see a show of hands. How many of you believe that global warming is a serious threat."

(Ex-)Senator Thompson: "There weren't any hand shows in the script. I've gotta talk to my agent."

Unidentified white male: "Hey. I haven't got an agent but I'm with him."

(Ex-)Governor Romney: "I can not talk about this issue in less than half the time it took Fred to not talk about this issue."

Ms. Interlocutor: [repeats question]

[General cacophony]

Senator McCain: "It's good to talk."

Senator McCain: "As someone who has been travelling the world for the past hundred years actually causing climate change I am the only candidate with actual experience on this issue. My policy is to pretend that climate change is not real but to do something about it anyway. Technology! Capitalism!"

(Ex-)Mayor Giuliani: "Me too! Energy independence! Let's embrace." [Staccato burst of subliminal 9/11s.]

Ms. Interlocutor: "What price should we be willing to pay?"

(Ex-)Governor Romney: "It'll be free and no foreign oil sold to us by evil doers. Did I mention it was free? Just don't call it America warming. I will do it globally AND unilaterally."

(Ex-)Ambassador(?) Keyes: "I quite mad you know (and I don't mean angry). There are some people that these white men in suits don't want you to hear from but that can't be me because I'm here. (Why am I here?) Betrayal! Border! Vote for me! (Have noticed that I am black on the outside?)"

(Ex-)Senator Thompson: "Is this a good time for a joke about the guy who's black on the outside?"

(Ex-)Ambassador(?) Keyes: "If the bunch of us idiots would just shut up there probably wouldn't be any global warming."

Not that you would want him to be your lawyer

Former US Attorney General and continuing Bush succubus Alberto "Gone-zo" Gonzales has been named Lawyer of the Year 2007 by the journal of the American Bar Association. They are careful to point out that Gone-zo's selection was no for his qualities as a legal adviser.

Destroying the traditional family - one pachyderm at a time

I certainly hope that no American government aid is being used to fund putting South African elephants on birth control. Why can't we just send them an elephant whisperer who will instruct them in the Christian principles of abstinence only?

R.I.P.

Yes Ike Turner was a shit. But he was also a wonderfully talented muscian and he has died at the age of 76.

For our next trick....

I am mixed emotions about genetic modification of living organisms. I believe it has great potential to help feed the world and that we are going to need to avail ourselves of that potential before the planet's population hits 9 billion. However I also believe that it requires significant testing and safety protocols and that all aspects of this require government, as opposed to self, regulation.

All of that aside I am fascinated by the news that scientists are Tokyo University have managed to create a mouse that is (stupidly) unafraid of cats.

I can bring you exclusive news and tell you that these same researchers plan the exponentially more difficult task of creating a Democratic politician with a spine. I will keep you posted.

The Bush that stole SCHIP at Xmas

Captain Codpiece has once again vetoed the extension and expansion of SCHIP, the federal/state programme to ensure that children have access to medical insurance.

I say keep sending it back until the intellectually challenged twat signs it.

Meet the new war

Much like the old war (minus one or two). How long before the shit hits the fan in Kosovo once again? Maybe it will wait till spring. It's pretty cold in Priština in the wintertime.

Premature electrocution

Two undoubtedly vastly experience sheriff's deputies somewhere in Florida are having to undergo remedial Taser training after "accidentally" firing their Tasers into the carpet and walls of their homes*.

I guess we should be thankful that they don't give these folks guns. What's that? What do you mean they have guns too?

*The wall was unharmed but the carpet is still in hospital. Taser International says that any injuries to the carpet were caused by misuse of the weapon and that all members of the Taser weapons family are safe to use on floor coverings of all kinds.

Not for the faint of heart

I have only one question: why is "malicious castration" only a class C felony in North Carolina?

Xenophobic splintering

The other day the founder of the Minutemen, a group of anti-immigration nuts who like to dress up in faux uniforms, arm themselves heavily and pretend to protect America from the Hispanic hordes that wish to destroy her, sort of half-heartedly endorsed Mike "I Hear Voices in My Head" Huckabee for President. Now, à la the Irish Republican Army, this seems to have created factionalism inside of this noble institution. A statement from folks referring to themselves as "Real Minutemen has disavowed this support.

I eagerly await the announcement of the creation of the Continuity Minuteman and the American National Liberation Army (Minuteman Division).

Ethnic cleansing nears completion

The razing of thousands of units of public housing in New Orleans is underway. What few plans exist to replace the homes consist of so-called the building of "mixed" housing, which in and of itself is not a bad idea, but the number of units of social housing would be less than half of what it is now. This should help NO stay Republican.

DO NOT PUSH THIS BUTTON!!!! (Part the second)

I reported the other day that a 10 year old kid had been unable to resist a "Do Not Push This Button" sign at Philadelphia's Northeast Airport and had created quite a mess. It turns out that he has been falsely accused and the actual problem was an equipment malfunction. He will however remain on the "Do Not Fly" list as there is no process for removing anyone.

He should count himself lucky that his name isn't Mohammed al-Tikriti. If it had been he would be enjoying an all expense paid holiday at Guantánamo Bay Beach and Leisure Resort. Nonetheless I don't see any reason why he shouldn't be waterboarded before being sent home. It can't do him an harm and there is no way of knowing what fiendish plots he might subconsciously be aware of. Perhaps thousands of lives could be saved.

All his lap dogs

Barney, the White House pooch and Captain Codpiece's other house pet, ex-Prime Minister St. Tony Blair co-star in this year's White House Xmas video.

In praise of the House of Lords

I generally don't have much good to say about Britain's upper house but I think even libertarians will agree with me that it is an appropriate role of government to ensure that budget airlines provide adequate leg room for passengers and the Lords is trying to use its powers to do just that!

Having difficulties keeping up with the discussion?

Today's Guardian contains a handy, dandy primer from Jon Henley on the euphemisms currently in use in the torture debate.

Stress position Detainee is forced to stand erect for several hours. Or forced to stand erect for several hours, with his arms held out to the side. Or shackled to the ceiling with his arms extended, sometimes without his feet touching the ground. Whichever, it's certainly stressful.

Note: Faux News viewers will find the meaning of "euphemisms" here.